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As the Newbie diver is flailing around on the surface (gear floating, half undressed) he says out loud "No one told me I didn't have to take off my wet suit to pee"

MMMMPH!! Just about spit water all over my keyboard when I read this!!

Adam
 
On a Laguna shore dive-"Isn't it your turn to carry the weights up the stairs". (OK I am the only one I ever hear saying it...)
 
Are there going to be any sharks on this dive?

Have you ever seen a shark?

What do I do if I see a shark?

Lady in the shop:OOOO I wan't to try that it looks like fun! Do I have to know how to swim to go diving?
Russian Instructor:No you just need to know how to breathe....

Some jerk of a diver actually said this to me: God your buoyancy is SO bad you are constantly swimming backwards into me and the currents from your fins are knocking me into the bottom all the time.
(I offered to teach his PPB spec after that comment)
 
Things I thought I'll never hear in public.

Obese diver... I need more weight!

My nose is too big!

Lady diver... please help me take it off.

Mine is bigger and brighter then yours, wanna see?

Your sausage isn't big enough.

I love to pee in my suit.

More to come when I remember lol!
 
While DMing an AOW years back I had a student that was always in a rush and preoccupied with checking his watch. During the SI after the deep dive I asked him what he was so anxious about. He replied that he was worried he was going to miss his flight back home in three hours...
 
I dove there once. There's nothing to see. (OPEN YOUR EYES AND MIND MORON! that's what I really want to say)
 

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