Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, my wonder dog,
at Wal-Mart and was in the check out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse,
I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I probably shouldn't, I continued, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.

I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your
pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been poisoned by the dog
food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit both of us.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!


WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

 

[m3830431]

 

[scubagal28]

A blonde and a brunette are catching up after having not seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruff?"
"Yeah," answered the brunette, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

 

[m3830431]

Drinking with a Redneck Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

' God Bless America

 

[sandshaker]

lmao ... poor dude!!!

YouTube - Football Fans

 

[micklock]

Redneck bass boat

Redneck yacht

Redneck pickup truck

Redneck weather station

 

[ScubaSteve]

Now these I enjoyed a lot. Hilarious.

Redneck bass boat

Redneck yacht

Redneck pickup truck

Redneck weather station

 

[davidr]

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife
says, 'Now don't be silly dear, you know
this car doesn't have cruise control!


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you
please keep your mouth shut for once??!!'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You
should be thankful your radar detector went
off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'DAMN it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
shut?!!!!!!'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that
you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah,
well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL
YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!!!!!'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I LOVE THIS PART....)


'Only when he's been drinking.

 

[Calle Roo]

LMAO, I made it through pages 1-5 than 17-20, and Im dying. My coworker is going crazy cuz I keep sending them to him. Bwah ha ha

 

[sandshaker]

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife
says, 'Now don't be silly dear, you know
this car doesn't have cruise control!


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you
please keep your mouth shut for once??!!'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You
should be thankful your radar detector went
off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'DAMN it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
shut?!!!!!!'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that
you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah,
well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL
YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!!!!!'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I LOVE THIS PART....)


'Only when he's been drinking.

omfg that is sooo awesome!! funny!!!!