Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR:

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Ro d ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod! , he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod..'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . .LONG SILENCE . . . .. . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep ****.

 

[Rhone Man]

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a
tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.


About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.


'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.


A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle
and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with
myself and I shot the dog.'

 

[Rhone Man]

A Kiwi, was in Australia to watch an upcoming Rugby Test match, for
which he had tickets. He wasn't feeling well, so he decided to see a
Doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he
had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure
was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised
him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly he refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the rugby match just around the corner
he found an expat Kiwi doctor working in Australia , and decided to get
one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv
prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your
balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted
to take my test tickets off me!"

 

[sandshaker]

this is hilarious.....

The best Chuck Norris fact, ever!

Two cowboys and Chuck Norris were sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie. A night of their tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, "I'm the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second cowboy can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp." Chuck Norris remained silent, ......slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ lol wat i viz i have now lmao^



not as good as that one but pretty funny

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.


Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.


' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic , but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bas%$ds should remember fairies are female!

 

[pidgiepoo]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over it anytime I want The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge'?

 

[pidgiepoo]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

 

[Veronica]

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: " Hi, how are you?

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At that point I am trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. " Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No.....I'm a little bit busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my question!" LOL LOL

 

[Hockeynut]

Buttercups & Golf Balls

Towards the end of the golf course, Jack hit his
ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the Patch. All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and
puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother
Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just
for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn
for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for
your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll
never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!! Then POOF!
. . She was gone! After Jack recovered from the shock, he hollered for
his friend, 'Joe, where are you?' Joe yells back 'I'm over here in the
pussy willows.' Jack shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Joe; FOR THE LOVE OF
GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

 

[pidgiepoo]

Happy Butt!


It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.

She replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"

And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.

After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Proof Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.