Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sandshaker]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[m3830431]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable *******!" she screamed.

That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"

 

[Deefstes]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.''

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

 

[The Anchor]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it
on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the s--t out of all of
you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

 

[sandshaker]

Here is a lil trivia brain teaser thingie someone told me when I was a Bartender..


How can you use the letters in NEW DOOR to make one word?

 

[ReefGuy]

lol you already did.

 

[sandshaker]

May be so.... May Be NO??? lol

 

[m3830431]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

 

[Rhone Man]

A gay man walks into a bar in Liverpool, saunters up to a large muscular man at the bar and whispers in his ear: "Hey gorgeous, how would you like me to give you a blow job?" The muscular man looks around ferociously, drags the gay guy outside and beats the stuffing out of him, leaving him in the gutter.

When he goes back inside the bartender asks him: "Jeez, what did that guy say to you?"

"I didn't exactly hear him," replies the muscular man, "but it was something about giving me a job."



Explananation for non-Brits: At the risk of unfair generalisations, all people from Liverpool are lazy b*******s who would rather sit on welfare rather than actually seeking gainful employment.

 

[sandshaker]

Can't 'member if I posted this b4 either way sooooooo fuhn-knee

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