mike_s
Contributor
Q: How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?
A: Four skin divers.
A: Four skin divers.
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mike_s
Contributor
A dive boat runs into a terrible storm.
Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat.
The divers are quiet but really scared.
They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.
Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her.
As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision.
He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her:
here, Iron this!"
Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat.
The divers are quiet but really scared.
They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.
Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her.
As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision.
He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her:
here, Iron this!"
mlkco
Contributor
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A Biker's Story
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the little girl, at which time the biker returns her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A NY Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have ever seen a man do in my whole life.'
'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars, I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt it was right to do.'
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for the New York Times and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page, I can assure you! What do you do for a living, sir, and what political affiliation are you?'
'I am a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if the reporter was serious. It indeed brings news of his actions, and he reads on the first page the following:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the little girl, at which time the biker returns her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A NY Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have ever seen a man do in my whole life.'
'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars, I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt it was right to do.'
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for the New York Times and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page, I can assure you! What do you do for a living, sir, and what political affiliation are you?'
'I am a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if the reporter was serious. It indeed brings news of his actions, and he reads on the first page the following:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
mlkco
Contributor
^ I'd expect no less from the NY or LA Times.
good one
good one
m3830431
Contributor
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really
big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom.
'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!
The woman chose to ignore her husbands comments
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little
frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
'What's wrong?' he asks.
She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
big-arse grill for one little weenie? .pffffffffttttttt
((now you can't say that aint funny))
man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really
big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom.
'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!
The woman chose to ignore her husbands comments
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little
frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
'What's wrong?' he asks.
She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
big-arse grill for one little weenie? .pffffffffttttttt
((now you can't say that aint funny))
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
lmao .. this is fuhn - knee
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist!'
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist!'
santafejoe
Contributor
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