Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[m3830431]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might
never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say
one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

 

[sandshaker]

Funny One-Liners

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.

 

[ohmdiver]

7 days with no diving makes one weak....

 

[m3830431]

The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.

It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.

The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

 

[sandshaker]

7 days with no diving makes one weak....

I likes!!!

 

[sandshaker]

Mom Test

***************************************************************************************************************************

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from
her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,

'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly.

'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mom.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you
don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'

''Exactly,' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

 

[augk]

One hot summer day a piece of string was walking down the street when he came to a bar.
Thirsty he decided to go in and get a drink, when he gets up to the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender replies no I’m sorry we don’t serve your kind here you will have to leave.
Incensed the string scrambles out of the bar shouting profanities at the bartender.
Totally enraged he sees a costume shop across the street and buys a hat and glasses a fake moustache.
The string puts on the garb and goes back in the bar walks up and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the string and asks aren’t you the guy we just kicked out?
Yah you are get the h*## out of here you punk before I kick your butt.
So now the string is shouting this is discrimination I’ll call a lawyer etc…
Suddenly he gets one more idea as he’s standing out in the hot sun; quickly he bolts around the corner.
Back in the ally he loops himself around a few time pulls tight and messes up his hair and rubs some dirt on his face.
Then he walked back into the bar one more time walks up to the bar and asks for a cold beer.
So the bartend looks him over and asks him: aren’t you that trouble making piece of string.
And the string says: sorry I’m a frayed knot.

 

[m3830431]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gun slinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.

 

[mike_s]

 

[augk]

that video was too friken funny