OP
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santafejoe
Contributor
The Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, just a minute I have to go pee.
The teacher responded by saying, that would rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?
Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?
I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, just a minute I have to go pee.
The teacher responded by saying, that would rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?
Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?
I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.
m3830431
Contributor
10 out of office replys not to use
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you*if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have*received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of' Steve'.
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you*if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have*received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of' Steve'.
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf
m3830431
Contributor
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
DivingPrincessE
Contributor
Graphic representations of popular songs:
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.
The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
Ever Wonder??:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
santafejoe
Contributor
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
mlkco
Contributor
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."[/FONT]
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."[/FONT]
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