Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear..'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . .. . "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[SC_Hoaty]

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.








Watch for these mergers in 2013:








1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.






2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.





3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.





4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.





5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.





6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.





7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.





8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!





And finally....





9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

 

[triplecove]

I love texans!

 

[triplecove]

A hurricane capsizes a cruise ship in the Caribbean. A Scuba board member washes ashore on a remote island. Outside of the beautiful scenery, a fresh water pool and bananas, there is little else.

One day, after several months have passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appears.

"Wow! I can't believe I found another person!" she exclaims. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was," he answers. "Where did you get that rowboat?"
"Oh," she says, "I found it washed up on the beach. Where is your shelter?"
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the sand," he says.
She invites him to her side of the island. Once she's rowed them to her side, she ties up the boat with hand-woven rope. "It took forever to find enough washed up strands to braid that length of rope," she tells him.
She leads him to a cozy bungalow painted blue and green. "I scouted for felled trees and then stained the salvaged wood with these really juicy berries I found in the jungle," she tells him.
Once inside, she excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. She returns wearing revealing silk lingerie, smiling provocatively.
"I found some washed up suitcases from the cruise ship a few weeks ago," she tells him. "But now that I've found you, I finally have a reason to wear something sexy again. Tell me, haven't you been lonely? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something you've been longing for, too?"
"Oh wow!" exclaims the man. "You mean you've found Scuba gear, too?!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

> > A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
> >
> > The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
> > learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
> >
> > The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
> > something with hell and you say something with ass."
> >
> > The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
> >
> > When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
> > wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
> > Cheerios.
> >
> > WHACK!
> >
> > He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
> > up,and
> > runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
> > pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
> >
> > His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I
> > let you out!"
> >
> > She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
> > stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
> >
> > "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be
> > Cheerios!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Police Stop at 2:00 A.M. An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really?
Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[ScubaTigress]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear..'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . .. . "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

oh man this just gave me a serious fit of laughter!!!!

 

[ScubaTigress]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

 

[pidgiepoo]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

---------- Post added April 17th, 2013 at 04:30 AM ----------

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222, and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, ect.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ...She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

 

[triplecove]

Finding out somthing new on Scuba board

Is like pee-ing in your wet suit
You get a warm feeling but…
Nobody else notices!