Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Insta-Gator]

Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

[Insta-Gator]

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know!

Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

 

[pidgiepoo]

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful b***h on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment

in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite...Visa Card, and I want to make

love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Johnny’s b***h!"

 

[Jax]

The Army is getting into the act!

U.S. Army thinking out of the box . . . the litter box!

---------- Post added April 1st, 2013 at 06:57 AM ----------

Full story:

Military working cat program underway at 'The Old Guard' | Article | The United States Army

 

[pidgiepoo]

LENT JOKE

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was immediately called by the neighbors. As he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye."

 

[Insta-Gator]

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama...




Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that
would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.




The teacher held her breath.


In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"




The teacher fainted!

 

[Jax]

Anyone worried about arthritis? Yes, I am thinking about the advancing years....

According to a British Medical Journal study, women who had more than three alcoholic drinks a week over 10 years reduced their rheumatoid arthritis risks by about half.

 

[Hockeynut]

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful b***h on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment

in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite...Visa Card, and I want to make

love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Johnny’s b***h!"

That's AWESOME!!!!

 

[ScubaTigress]

Anyone worried about arthritis? Yes, I am thinking about the advancing years....

According to a British Medical Journal study, women who had more than three alcoholic drinks a week over 10 years reduced their rheumatoid arthritis risks by about half.

Guess I won't be a part of the arthritic statistic.... I'm safe!

 

[pidgiepoo]

Three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen, Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna.

Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The Young Woman Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped.

The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. 'That Was My Pager,' She Said. I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm.

A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, 'That Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand.'

The Older Woman Felt Very Low -Tech. Not To Be Out Done, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom.

She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Rear End.

The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared at Her.

The Older Woman Finally Said ..... Well, Will You Look At That ..... I'm Getting A Fax!!