Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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pidgiepoo
Contributor
TYPICAL MAN:
> A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text....
>
>
>
> If you are sleeping send me your dreams.
>
> If you are laughing send me your smile.
>
> if you are eating send me a bite.
>
> If you are drinking send me a sip.
>
> If you are crying send me your tears.
>
> I Love you."
>
>
>
> He replied .... "I am on the toilet. What should I do?"
---------- Post added January 23rd, 2013 at 04:51 AM ----------
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give
Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig,
but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
> A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text....
>
>
>
> If you are sleeping send me your dreams.
>
> If you are laughing send me your smile.
>
> if you are eating send me a bite.
>
> If you are drinking send me a sip.
>
> If you are crying send me your tears.
>
> I Love you."
>
>
>
> He replied .... "I am on the toilet. What should I do?"
---------- Post added January 23rd, 2013 at 04:51 AM ----------
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give
Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that.
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig,
but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
pidgiepoo
Contributor
A friend of mine just had strobe lights installed in his bedroom.
>
>
> He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now!
---------- Post added January 25th, 2013 at 04:30 AM ----------
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
>
>Lovers help each other undress before sex.
>
>However after sex, they always dress on their own.
>
>Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
>
>SIMPLE TRUTH 2
>
>When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
>
>But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job."
>
>Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
>
>
>FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
>
>1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
>
>2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$hole's name.
>
>3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
>
>4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
>
>5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
>
>
>Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
>
>
> He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now!
---------- Post added January 25th, 2013 at 04:30 AM ----------
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
>
>Lovers help each other undress before sex.
>
>However after sex, they always dress on their own.
>
>Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
>
>SIMPLE TRUTH 2
>
>When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
>
>But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job."
>
>Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
>
>
>FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
>
>1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
>
>2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$hole's name.
>
>3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
>
>4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
>
>5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
>
>
>Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
pidgiepoo
Contributor
>>Snow in the forecast and
the TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like
that!'
---------- Post added January 28th, 2013 at 07:59 AM ----------
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
---------- Post added January 28th, 2013 at 01:29 PM ----------
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so
you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a
bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
anudder man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"
the TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like
that!'
---------- Post added January 28th, 2013 at 07:59 AM ----------
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
---------- Post added January 28th, 2013 at 01:29 PM ----------
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so
you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a
bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
anudder man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"
(ladies, when you read the following just substitute "he" for "she" and "she" for "he" and "wife" for "husband" - seeing a pattern - and you will then enjoy the jokes)
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
TONY CHANEY
Contributor
NC jokes:
What is the similarity between a couple getting a divorce in NC and a tornado touching down in NC?
Either way someone is losing a trailer.
Did you hear about the tornado that hit NC the other day?
It did $500,000.00 of improvements.
I heard the tornado hit the governor’s mansion.
Took the wheels right out from under it.
I was walking down an alley in Charlotte and saw a very hot looking lady dressed very sexy. Our eyes met, sparks flew and I had the best sex every. God I love my taser!
Short joke:
A seal walks into a club!
What is the similarity between a couple getting a divorce in NC and a tornado touching down in NC?
Either way someone is losing a trailer.
Did you hear about the tornado that hit NC the other day?
It did $500,000.00 of improvements.
I heard the tornado hit the governor’s mansion.
Took the wheels right out from under it.
I was walking down an alley in Charlotte and saw a very hot looking lady dressed very sexy. Our eyes met, sparks flew and I had the best sex every. God I love my taser!
Short joke:
A seal walks into a club!
Ba-dum-dum
TONY CHANEY
Contributor
A husband comes home from a day of hard work only to find his wife at the front door all packed up and ready to leave. He asked her why she is leaving him. She said, “You are a bad person and a pedophile.” He said, wow what a big word for a 12 year old.”
Arkansas right? Or was it WV?
pidgiepoo
Contributor
> Big Boots
>
> A woman walked into a Western bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up
> on a table. He had the biggest boots she had ever seen.
>
> The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big
> feet being well endowed?"
>
> The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come out
> to the ranch and let me prove it to you?"
>
> The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
> The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.
>
> Blushing, he said, "Well, thankyee ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
> ever paid me fer mah services before."
>
> "Don't flatter yourself", she replied. "Take the money and buy some boots
> that fit."
>
> A woman walked into a Western bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up
> on a table. He had the biggest boots she had ever seen.
>
> The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big
> feet being well endowed?"
>
> The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come out
> to the ranch and let me prove it to you?"
>
> The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
> The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.
>
> Blushing, he said, "Well, thankyee ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
> ever paid me fer mah services before."
>
> "Don't flatter yourself", she replied. "Take the money and buy some boots
> that fit."
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