pidgiepoo
Contributor
Texas tan line...
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MISSISSIPPI DECLARES WAR ON THE U.S.
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang."Hello, President Obama" a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Jimmy Boy, down here at Bump's Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg , and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well, Jimmy Boy," Barack replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Jimmy Boy, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Tom, my next-door-neighbor, and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD's Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine, depending if Bump can close the store.
Barack paused. "I must tell you, Jimmy Boy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Jimmy Boy. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Jimmy Boy called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Jimmy Boy?" Barack asked.
"Well, sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mike's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you, Jimmy Boy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above!" said Jimmy Boy. "I'll be gettin' back to ya."
Sure 'nough, Jimmy Boy called again the next day. "President Obama, I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Jimmy Boy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens, and pecan pie and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."
SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang."Hello, President Obama" a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Jimmy Boy, down here at Bump's Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg , and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well, Jimmy Boy," Barack replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Jimmy Boy, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Tom, my next-door-neighbor, and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD's Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine, depending if Bump can close the store.
Barack paused. "I must tell you, Jimmy Boy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Jimmy Boy. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Jimmy Boy called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Jimmy Boy?" Barack asked.
"Well, sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mike's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you, Jimmy Boy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above!" said Jimmy Boy. "I'll be gettin' back to ya."
Sure 'nough, Jimmy Boy called again the next day. "President Obama, I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Jimmy Boy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens, and pecan pie and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."
SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
Italian Fire Department
One dark night in the small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!
Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ .
This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firefighters watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
One dark night in the small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!
Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ .
This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firefighters watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
[video=youtube;4xyhVO-SWfM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xyhVO-SWfM&feature=youtu.be[/video]
mlkco
Contributor
Jihad
A Muslim I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!
A Muslim I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and f**-king.
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and f**-king.
AlbertaDan
Registered
3 Engineers were discussing wht type of engineer would have designed the human body.
The first, a mechanical engineer spoke up. It would have to be a mechanical engineer. Look at all teh different types of joinyts in teh body. There are simple hinge joints like knees and elbows, more complex joints like ball and sockets such as the shoulders and hips. Then there is teh spine. It is both flexible and rigid enough to support the whole body.
The second spoke up and said no it had to be an electricla engineer. Just look at teh nervous system. All the fine intricate connections. The nerves being able to detect the slightest touch of a feather, but can still detect heat and cold.
The third was an IT specialist, and said no it had to be an IT computer network engineer. Look at the brain, how compex it is. Even more complex than the most advanced computer. it is capable of abstract thought, complex mathematics.
They all paused for few moments to consider each others arguments. Then they all agreed it had to be a civil engineer.
Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?
The first, a mechanical engineer spoke up. It would have to be a mechanical engineer. Look at all teh different types of joinyts in teh body. There are simple hinge joints like knees and elbows, more complex joints like ball and sockets such as the shoulders and hips. Then there is teh spine. It is both flexible and rigid enough to support the whole body.
The second spoke up and said no it had to be an electricla engineer. Just look at teh nervous system. All the fine intricate connections. The nerves being able to detect the slightest touch of a feather, but can still detect heat and cold.
The third was an IT specialist, and said no it had to be an IT computer network engineer. Look at the brain, how compex it is. Even more complex than the most advanced computer. it is capable of abstract thought, complex mathematics.
They all paused for few moments to consider each others arguments. Then they all agreed it had to be a civil engineer.
Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?
pidgiepoo
Contributor
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my
dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had
wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my
dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had
wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
pidgiepoo
Contributor
They recently found about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
In doing the research, they had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98 % of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2 % were killed by impact with a car.
The state then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills. The Behaviourist determined the cause, the conclusion in short order was:
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
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