pidgiepoo
Contributor
Take care of me Jax !! I can't seem to get some of the things to post...so I will let you do it for me...and granny thanks you loads 
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
- Start date
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pidgiepoo
Contributor
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------
>>>
>>>There is only one
perfect child in the world and every Mother has it.
>>>There is only
one perfect wife in the world and every Neighbour has
it.
--------- --------- ---------
>>
>>Prospective husband
at a Book Store: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of
Women"?
>>Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side,
sir.
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>
>>A man who
surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
>>A man who surrenders when
he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
>>A man who surrenders even when he's RIGHT,
is a HUSBAND.
>>------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>Man receives
telegram: Wife dead - should be buried or Cremated?
>>
>>Man: Don't take any
chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>Fact of life: One
woman brings you into this world crying &
>> another
one ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your
Life!
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>
>>Q: Why doesn't law
permit a man to marry a second Woman?
>>A: Because as per law you
cannot be punished twice for the Same offence.
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>
>>Lady to her maid:
Oh Kanta, I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair
with his secretary."
>>
>>Kanta : I don't
believe it! You are just saying that to make me
jealous!"
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>Man: I want a
divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
>>Lawyer: Better
think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
>>>
>>>There is only one
perfect child in the world and every Mother has it.
>>>There is only
one perfect wife in the world and every Neighbour has
it.
--------- --------- ---------
>>
>>Prospective husband
at a Book Store: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of
Women"?
>>Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side,
sir.
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>
>>A man who
surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
>>A man who surrenders when
he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
>>A man who surrenders even when he's RIGHT,
is a HUSBAND.
>>------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>Man receives
telegram: Wife dead - should be buried or Cremated?
>>
>>Man: Don't take any
chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>Fact of life: One
woman brings you into this world crying &
>> another
one ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your
Life!
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>
>>Q: Why doesn't law
permit a man to marry a second Woman?
>>A: Because as per law you
cannot be punished twice for the Same offence.
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>
>>Lady to her maid:
Oh Kanta, I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair
with his secretary."
>>
>>Kanta : I don't
believe it! You are just saying that to make me
jealous!"
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>>Man: I want a
divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
>>Lawyer: Better
think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
> WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
>
> A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
>
> To be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
>
> 'Good morning,' said the young man.'
>
> 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
>
> I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
>
>
> ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
>
> And she proceeded to close the door.
>
> Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
>
> It wide open...
>
> ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my
> demonstration.''
>
> And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
>
> "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
> from your
>
> carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
>
> The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork and a bib
> smart-ass
>
> 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
---------- Post added February 26th, 2013 at 04:45 AM ----------
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn 't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
>
> She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
>
> She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
>
> "I 'm in trouble again, and I don 't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
>
> Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
>
> A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
>
> To be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
>
> 'Good morning,' said the young man.'
>
> 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
>
> I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
>
>
> ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
>
> And she proceeded to close the door.
>
> Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
>
> It wide open...
>
> ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my
> demonstration.''
>
> And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
>
> "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
> from your
>
> carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
>
> The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork and a bib
> smart-ass
>
> 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
---------- Post added February 26th, 2013 at 04:45 AM ----------
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn 't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
>
> She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
>
> She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
>
> "I 'm in trouble again, and I don 't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
>
> Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
A balding, white haired man from Deerfield Beach, Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
pidgiepoo
Contributor
IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR...
A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn around!"
A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn around!"
That would scare me to death if is was a $2.00 hooker.
pidgiepoo
Contributor
."
___________________________
__________________________
_______________
___________________________
--------- Post added February 27th, 2013 at 09:15 AM ----------
> A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
> heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
> his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson,
"You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________
__________________________
>
> Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a
bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her
> hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know --put me down for a five."
_______________
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his
> ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit
> through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
> back, hit him in the forehead and killed
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
___________________________
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
>
> the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,> is it?"
___________________________
__________________________
_______________
___________________________
--------- Post added February 27th, 2013 at 09:15 AM ----------
> A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
> heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
> his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson,
"You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________
__________________________
>
> Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a
bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her
> hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know --put me down for a five."
_______________
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his
> ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit
> through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
> back, hit him in the forehead and killed
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
___________________________
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
>
> the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,> is it?"
Perfect timing. I played at golf today.
If you can figure out what it says, don't worry about the spelling Tapatalk+Autocorrect
If you can figure out what it says, don't worry about the spelling
Tapatalk+Autocorrect"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked his wife.
"No," he said.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
"No," he said.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
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