pidgiepoo
Contributor
Dear God, please send clothes
to all those poor ladies on
Grandpa's computer.
to all those poor ladies on
Grandpa's computer.
Amen.
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
- Start date
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santafejoe
Contributor
The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes! An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!" |
pidgiepoo
Contributor
> I LOVE THE PRAYER AT THE END.
>
>
> THE SHOEBOX
>A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
> everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from
> each other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her
> closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the
> little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's
>
> bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should
>
> know what was In the box. When he opened it, he
>
> found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money
>
> totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my
grandmother told me The secret of a happy
> marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I
> ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet
and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight
>
> back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the
>
> box. She had only been angry with him two Times
>
> in all those years of living and loving.. He almost
>
> burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what
about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling
the dolls.'
A Prayer...... .
>
> Dear Lord,
>
> I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
>
> Love to forgive him;
>
> And Patience for his moods;
>
> Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
>
> I'll beat him to death,
>
> Because I don't have the freakin time to crochet.
---------- Post added January 6th, 2013 at 05:13 AM ----------
CHECK YOUR SHAMPOO!!
Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved!!! If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
---------- Post added January 6th, 2013 at 08:19 AM ----------
> A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he
> asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking
> questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking
> children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
> Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a
> little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said
> "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you
> are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the
> congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship
> service to be continued.
>
>
> THE SHOEBOX
>A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
> everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from
> each other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her
> closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the
> little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's
>
> bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should
>
> know what was In the box. When he opened it, he
>
> found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money
>
> totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my
grandmother told me The secret of a happy
> marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I
> ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet
and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight
>
> back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the
>
> box. She had only been angry with him two Times
>
> in all those years of living and loving.. He almost
>
> burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what
about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling
the dolls.'
A Prayer...... .
>
> Dear Lord,
>
> I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
>
> Love to forgive him;
>
> And Patience for his moods;
>
> Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
>
> I'll beat him to death,
>
> Because I don't have the freakin time to crochet.
---------- Post added January 6th, 2013 at 05:13 AM ----------
CHECK YOUR SHAMPOO!!
Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved!!! If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
---------- Post added January 6th, 2013 at 08:19 AM ----------
> A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he
> asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking
> questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking
> children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
> Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a
> little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said
> "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you
> are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the
> congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship
> service to be continued.
pidgiepoo
Contributor
An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of booze than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of booze than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
K pidgiepoo here goes haha ;-)
Here is how us southerners talk lol
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
Here is how us southerners talk lol
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
GREAT LOVE STORY........
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when
I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
---------- Post added January 8th, 2013 at 01:30 PM ----------
==============================================================
California vs. Texas
The Governors are jogging with their dog along a nature trail, each in their own state. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
California :
#1. The Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.
#3. He calls his veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
#4.. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.
#5. The Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
#6. The Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
#7. The State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
#8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
#10.. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.
Texas :
#1. The Governor shoots the coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.
Any wonder why California is broke????
---------- Post added January 8th, 2013 at 01:56 PM ----------
=====================================
One Liners - mostly for Geeks (collected long ago while I was working hard in computer techincal support):
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
95% of all computer errors occur between chair and keyboard (tm)
Change the world - move a rock.
"Running a successful home-based business with kids can make you feel like a hamster trapped on an exercise wheel; you just run round and round and don't feel as if you're accomplishing anything."
“There are two kinds of programming languages: the one that people complain about and the one nobody uses.”
About 25% of integers are divisible by 4.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who can read binary and those who can't.
We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of Smart!
"A computer and email lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of tequila and handguns."
...Sometimes, the more you read, the less you understand...
Computers can reverse entropy.
This message was transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Proud to be a part of the Lunatic Fringe.
A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
If all else fails: "rm -rf /"
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The sentence after this one is true. The sentence before this one is false.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
If We Are Alone in the Universe, Then It Is an Awful Waste of Space
We do precision guesswork.
The moral of the story is that with a contrived example, you can prove anything.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "WOW...that was fun!"
Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day...lying in a hospital, dying of nothing!
Falling down is not failure....Failure is staying down.
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate and wine.
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. (Theodore Roosevelt)
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
Television:
A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
--Ernie Kovacs
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when
I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
---------- Post added January 8th, 2013 at 01:30 PM ----------
==============================================================
California vs. Texas
The Governors are jogging with their dog along a nature trail, each in their own state. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
California :
#1. The Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.
#3. He calls his veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
#4.. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.
#5. The Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
#6. The Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
#7. The State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
#8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
#10.. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.
Texas :
#1. The Governor shoots the coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.
Any wonder why California is broke????
---------- Post added January 8th, 2013 at 01:56 PM ----------
=====================================
One Liners - mostly for Geeks (collected long ago while I was working hard in computer techincal support):
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
95% of all computer errors occur between chair and keyboard (tm)
Change the world - move a rock.
"Running a successful home-based business with kids can make you feel like a hamster trapped on an exercise wheel; you just run round and round and don't feel as if you're accomplishing anything."
“There are two kinds of programming languages: the one that people complain about and the one nobody uses.”
About 25% of integers are divisible by 4.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who can read binary and those who can't.
We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of Smart!
"A computer and email lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of tequila and handguns."
...Sometimes, the more you read, the less you understand...
Computers can reverse entropy.
This message was transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Proud to be a part of the Lunatic Fringe.
A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
If all else fails: "rm -rf /"
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The sentence after this one is true. The sentence before this one is false.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
If We Are Alone in the Universe, Then It Is an Awful Waste of Space
We do precision guesswork.
The moral of the story is that with a contrived example, you can prove anything.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "WOW...that was fun!"
Health nuts are going to feel stupid one day...lying in a hospital, dying of nothing!
Falling down is not failure....Failure is staying down.
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate and wine.
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. (Theodore Roosevelt)
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
Television:
A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
--Ernie Kovacs
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.
Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading..and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't “
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.
Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading..and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't “
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
pidgiepoo
Contributor
5 surgeons!
>
> Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
>
>
> Patients to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
>
>
> On my operating table because when you open them up, everything
>
>
> Inside is numbered.'
>
> The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
>
>
> Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
>
> The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
>
>
> Are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
>
> The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
>
>
> Construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
>
>
> A few parts left over.'
>
> But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
>
>
> He observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
> There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
>
>
> Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
---------- Post added January 11th, 2013 at 07:10 AM ----------
I get this poem every winter and every winter I love re-reading it.
It's a beautiful poem and very well written.
A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
>
S**t
It's cold!
The End.
>
> Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
>
>
> Patients to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
>
>
> On my operating table because when you open them up, everything
>
>
> Inside is numbered.'
>
> The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
>
>
> Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
>
> The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
>
>
> Are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
>
> The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
>
>
> Construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
>
>
> A few parts left over.'
>
> But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
>
>
> He observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
> There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
>
>
> Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
---------- Post added January 11th, 2013 at 07:10 AM ----------
I get this poem every winter and every winter I love re-reading it.
It's a beautiful poem and very well written.
A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
>
S**t
It's cold!
The End.
pidgiepoo
Contributor
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