Ocean related groaners...

[The Chairman]

Nanook & Pachuk were the very best hunter/fishermen in their Eskimo tribe along the Arctic circle. It was not uncommon for them to be out days in their kayak finding seal, and walrus, and catching huge quantities of fish. One year they started their quest for food too early, and found that their Polar Bear Parkas could not keep up with the cold. Being far away from Land, Nanook had a great idea...

"Pachuk! We build fire in middle of kayak to keep us warm!"

"What use for fuel Nanook??? We are far out to sea."

"We use seal blubber to make nice warm fire in bottom of kayak!"

And soon there was a nice warm fire that seemed to cut through the chill... unfortunately as the kayak was also made out of seal skin, it burned through it too, leaving our hapless paddlers floating about in the middle of the cold, cold sea.

"Well, this just goes to show you Nanook!"

"Show me what, Pachuk???"

"You can't have your kayak and heat it too!"

:tease:

 

[BigGulp]

I do believe that in the story to the painter at the chuch, it was God who said to him, "Repaint, Repaint, go and thin no more...." Larry (but it is still funny)

 

[joewr]

It seems that there was a dive master who was a fantastic ventriloquist. He could throw his voice without detection and was especially good at imitating the "voices" of animals. Well, his mates were certain that he could make more money in show business than in dive business and they encouraged him to take his act ashore.

Since they happened to be diving in the North Sea at the time, he decided to give his act a try in the Scottish countryside. Well, a few miles away from port he saw a Scottish farmer surrounded by farm animals and decided to try with him.

He walked up to the Scot and said, "I heard that your horse can speak English." The farmer replied, "He canna do saech a thing." The DM said, "Well, let's see." "Mr. Horse, how does this farmer treat you?" Then he threw his voice and it seemed that the horse replied, "Very poorly: he works me all day, does not groom me and mixes my fodder with straw."

The DM then turned to the Scot again and said, "I hear that your chicken can speak also." The Scot still replied, "She canna do saech a thing." Well, the DM addressed the her, also, "Mrs. Chicken, how does this farmer treat you?" The DM again threw his voice and chicken replied, "None too well, laddie. He shoves me off my nest, takes me poor baerns before they are hatched, and then feeds me mouldy maize."

Well, the DM once again turned to the Scot and said, "I hear that your cow can speak English, too." And the Scot, true to form, replied, "She canna do saech a thing." The DM asked, "Mrs. Cow, how does this farmer treat you?" And, once again, the animal seemed to answer, "Verra poorly, laddie. He milks me early in the morn with freezing, cold hands and then feeds me very bad hay."

Finally, the DM looked over at the sheep and asked the Scot, "Does the sheep speak also?" To which the Scot replied, "She is a damned liar!"

Joewr...who dedicates this to Iguana Don...

 

[Walter]

Joe, it's funny, but it ain't a groaner.

WWW™

 

[joewr]

Walter, would you rather hear about that famous scuba diving baseball player, Milfamie?

Joewr...who cannot believe he will say, "Yes."

 

[Walter]

You mean Mel Famie, the pitcher?

That's an excellent example of a groaner. If you don't tell it, I will.

WWW™

 

[joewr]

Since you volunteered, fire away. But I'll bet the "kids" out there will wonder what you are talking about! But for the record it is Mil Famie; "Mil" is short for "Milton".

Joewr...who just thought of another one, but will wait on WWW--which I always thought meant, "Warm Water Wuss" = Joewr (beat you to it NetDoc!)

 

[Tavi]

There was a teenage boy who wanted a motorcycle. Lots of his freinds in school had them so he asked his father.
The fathers reply was " okay but on three conditions. First, you get straight A's in school. Second, you read the Bible every day. And third, you get a haircut. You give that a try and we'll see about your motorcycle."
A couple of months went by, and report cards had come out when the young man aproached his father about his motorcycle again.
(boy)"Dad, I've been getting straight A's in school".
(father)"Yup, you"ve been doing real good,real good".
(boy)" And I've been reading the Bible every day".
(father) "Yup, you've been doing real good, real good".
(boy) "Well, I read in the bible that Jesus had long hair".
(father) "Yup, and if you'd read a little farther you'd a found out he walked everywhere he went".

Tavi :

 

[Walter]

Everyone can't get 'em all. I'm sure some of the young'uns missed a couple already.

The was a baseball player named Melvin Famie. He pitched in high school and set an unbelievable record. He never lost a game. Not only did he never lose, but he always pitched no hitters. No one could hit any of his pitches and he always put the ball in the strike zone.

When he was drafted into the pros everyone knew he'd be good, but no one expected him to continue his unbelievable streak. Everyone was shocked when he continued striking out every batter even in the majors. When Melvin pitched, the outcome was predetermined. The season progressed and Melvin's team was in first place and only 1 win away from locking up the position. The manager told Melvin he wouldn't be used the following day that he could relax and break training if he wanted. Melvin had led a sheltered life and there were many things he'd never tried in his life. He wanted to try them all, but didn't really know where to begin. He was driving along and pulled into a liquor store. He'd never had a drink and thought he'd like to give it a try. He didn't think it would be smart to start with the hard stuff, so he bought a case of beer. He sat in his car and started drinking. Soon he was passed out. He awoke the following day, looked at his watch and saw he was late for the game. He rushed to the field, hit the locker and changed into his uniform. Melvin ran to the dug out where he was met by the manager. The manager told him they were down 5 runs and needed him to pitch. He ran out to the mound and threw a couple of warm up pitches. The first batter came to the plate. Melvin wound up and pitched. "Ball!" yelled the umpire. Everyone was stunned. Second pitch. "Ball!" Four pitches and the batter took his base. Melvin walked 6 batters in a row throwing all balls. The manager sent him to the showers. Mel was so dejected he walked out of the stadium past his car and kept walking. After the game, two of the opposing players saw his car in the lot and walked out to take a look. They saw the empty beer cans in his car. One looked at the other said said,...........



"That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us."

 

[joewr]

I am sorry, but it has to be "The beer than made Mil Famie walk us." But, maybe in Florida they spell it differently than in Wisconsin...

Joewr...wondering who besides Walter, NetDoc, Rick and I know what that all means?