Ocean related groaners...
- Thread starter The Chairman
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OP
The Chairman
Chairman of the Board
Ok, Ok,
Did you realise that sharks will not attack lawyers out of professional courtesy???
Do you know how to save a lawyer from drowning??? If the answer is "no" than good...
Why is a an almost full bus of lawyers plunging off of a cliff into the ocean considered a tragedy??? There was still room for more lawyers and the driver was probably innocent!
As a caveat, all of these lawyer jokes were given to me by bonafide barristers (my clients). I love lawyers, they are the originators of the I-D-Ten-T virus... That's how we say it, but we actually write it down as "ID10T"!!! It's amazing how that one virus can keep a network consultant in business, and even busy to boot...
:tease:
Did you realise that sharks will not attack lawyers out of professional courtesy???
Do you know how to save a lawyer from drowning??? If the answer is "no" than good...
Why is a an almost full bus of lawyers plunging off of a cliff into the ocean considered a tragedy??? There was still room for more lawyers and the driver was probably innocent!
As a caveat, all of these lawyer jokes were given to me by bonafide barristers (my clients). I love lawyers, they are the originators of the I-D-Ten-T virus... That's how we say it, but we actually write it down as "ID10T"!!! It's amazing how that one virus can keep a network consultant in business, and even busy to boot...
:tease:
This thread started with a good groaner then it deteriorated into a series of bad jokes. A groaner is not just any bad joke. A groaner is a pun which requires an elaborate build up. The old story about Roy Rodgers is the best known example.
Roy Rodgers wore boots his entire life. His birthday was coming up and Dale decided to surprise him with new shoes. The day arrived and Roy was delighted with his first pair of shoes ever. When he opened the package he immediately put them on and wore them all day. They were so comfortable, much more so than his boots. He decided to celebrate his birthday by taking a ride on Trigger. He rode up into the mountains and was enjoying the scenery when he noticed some tracks. He got down off Trigger to examine them more closely. They were the tracks of a mountain lion, but not just any mountain lion they were huge. Roy had never seen mountain lion tracks that large. Just then he heard the cougar scream. He spun around to see this monster leaping right at him. To save himself he rolled onto his back and thrust at the cougar with his feet trying to keep it off him. This mountain lion started biting his feet. Luckily, these shoes were of very high quality and the cougar had trouble biting through them. Roy pulled his pistol and regretfully shot the lion. Roy sadly got to his feet and looked down at this beautiful dead animal. He was sorry he'd been forced to take its life, but he really had no choice. His shoes were destroyed, but he was otherwise undamaged. He tossed this lion aross Trigger's back, mounted and returned home. He rode into the front yard and saw Dale sitting on the front porch with her guitar. Dale looked at Roy, saw the cougar draped across Trigger's back, saw the sorry state of his foot gear and shook her head. She strummed her guitar and sang........
"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"
Roy Rodgers wore boots his entire life. His birthday was coming up and Dale decided to surprise him with new shoes. The day arrived and Roy was delighted with his first pair of shoes ever. When he opened the package he immediately put them on and wore them all day. They were so comfortable, much more so than his boots. He decided to celebrate his birthday by taking a ride on Trigger. He rode up into the mountains and was enjoying the scenery when he noticed some tracks. He got down off Trigger to examine them more closely. They were the tracks of a mountain lion, but not just any mountain lion they were huge. Roy had never seen mountain lion tracks that large. Just then he heard the cougar scream. He spun around to see this monster leaping right at him. To save himself he rolled onto his back and thrust at the cougar with his feet trying to keep it off him. This mountain lion started biting his feet. Luckily, these shoes were of very high quality and the cougar had trouble biting through them. Roy pulled his pistol and regretfully shot the lion. Roy sadly got to his feet and looked down at this beautiful dead animal. He was sorry he'd been forced to take its life, but he really had no choice. His shoes were destroyed, but he was otherwise undamaged. He tossed this lion aross Trigger's back, mounted and returned home. He rode into the front yard and saw Dale sitting on the front porch with her guitar. Dale looked at Roy, saw the cougar draped across Trigger's back, saw the sorry state of his foot gear and shook her head. She strummed her guitar and sang........
"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"
OP
The Chairman
Chairman of the Board
That has to be one of my favorites... and you are right, we have strayed and fallen off of the path of groaners...
There once was a painter in the town of Chesterfield, who did contract to painting a certain church. Being the lowest bidder on the job, he soon found why the others had been over double his original estimate. He did not anticipate enough paint to cover the edifice. After much consternation, he decided to add water to the paint to make it go further. Well, as you must have guessed by now, the job looked very shoddy, as there were streaks of the old paint showing through the new. The pastor was quite disappointed as the painter was indeed, his very son. So as not to draw too much attention to the situation the preacher entitled his Sunday Sermon...
"RePaint you Thinner!!!"
Talk about a brush with ignominy...
But it was a pealing...
(puns are furnished at no extra charge)
:tease:
There once was a painter in the town of Chesterfield, who did contract to painting a certain church. Being the lowest bidder on the job, he soon found why the others had been over double his original estimate. He did not anticipate enough paint to cover the edifice. After much consternation, he decided to add water to the paint to make it go further. Well, as you must have guessed by now, the job looked very shoddy, as there were streaks of the old paint showing through the new. The pastor was quite disappointed as the painter was indeed, his very son. So as not to draw too much attention to the situation the preacher entitled his Sunday Sermon...
"RePaint you Thinner!!!"
Talk about a brush with ignominy...
But it was a pealing...
(puns are furnished at no extra charge)
:tease:
There was once a frog (yes a frog) who needed a loan, so he headed over to a bank. Hopping up to a teller he asked if he could get a loan. The teller informed him he'd need to talk to the loan officer, Patty Black. The frog hopped over to her office where she discussed the various principles the bank follows in making loans. She asked him if he had any collateral. The frog didn't understand the concept. The loan officer explained it to him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny sculpture. He asked if that would serve. She didn't know what this item was, so she explained she'd have to talk with the bank president. She took the sculpture to the bank president's office and explained the situation then she held up the sculpture and said she didn't know what it was. The bank president glanced at the sculpture and said...........
"It's a knick nack Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."
"It's a knick nack Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."
NetDoc,
Surely you have heard of the father who was an umpire in his son's Little League game. Well, it so happened that the son was the star pitcher on his team and the father was working behind the plate that day.
The father kept calling close pitches as "balls" and the son began to complain. Then, when a clear "strike" was called a "ball" the son made a very negative comment. The father walked out to the mound and told the son in very graphic terms to stop complaining and just pitch. The son quietly complied, but the father kept on calling a bad game. Not only that he chided the son for poor pitching.
Well, finally the son had had enough and issued one more complaint...at which the father erupted, stormed out to the mound and proceeded to insult not only his son, but the coaches and manager of his son's team. This culminated in the son being ejected from the game--and his team losing because the relief pitcher was not up to the task.
Well, that evening the son arrived home to find the father sitting in the living room. The father looked up and told the son how sorry he was and asked that the son come sit in his lap and make peace.
The son absolutely refused and went upstairs to lock himself in his room.
The moral to this sad story: The son never sits on the brutish umpire.
Joewr--wondering if anyone on this Board has ever heard the original phrase?
Surely you have heard of the father who was an umpire in his son's Little League game. Well, it so happened that the son was the star pitcher on his team and the father was working behind the plate that day.
The father kept calling close pitches as "balls" and the son began to complain. Then, when a clear "strike" was called a "ball" the son made a very negative comment. The father walked out to the mound and told the son in very graphic terms to stop complaining and just pitch. The son quietly complied, but the father kept on calling a bad game. Not only that he chided the son for poor pitching.
Well, finally the son had had enough and issued one more complaint...at which the father erupted, stormed out to the mound and proceeded to insult not only his son, but the coaches and manager of his son's team. This culminated in the son being ejected from the game--and his team losing because the relief pitcher was not up to the task.
Well, that evening the son arrived home to find the father sitting in the living room. The father looked up and told the son how sorry he was and asked that the son come sit in his lap and make peace.
The son absolutely refused and went upstairs to lock himself in his room.
The moral to this sad story: The son never sits on the brutish umpire.
Joewr--wondering if anyone on this Board has ever heard the original phrase?
OP
The Chairman
Chairman of the Board
raise my hand, as a yes...
:tease:
(except it's the Brittish, you dolt)
:tease: X2
:tease:
(except it's the Brittish, you dolt)
:tease: X2
being from south we do a lot of hunting, espcially ducks.
I have an uncle that took me hunting once. As we were sitting in the blind at dawn, just myself, uncle Boudreaux (pronounced BOO-DRO) and spot(uncle boudreaux's black lab. I am also confused about the name). The first flock of ducks came in, we stood and fired. Each getting one duck. Well, Spot jumped up and took off to retrieve those ducks, and he went "plat,plat,plat,plat" right on top of the water. I was suprized to see that, but I thought uncle Boudreaux was pulling my leg, so I said nothing. In came the next flock and the same thing, "plat, plat, plat" right on top of the water. This time I said "Hey, uncle Boudreaux, what is up with that there dog of yours?" He said you know......
I never could teach that dog to swim.
I hope this gets a few groans.
I have an uncle that took me hunting once. As we were sitting in the blind at dawn, just myself, uncle Boudreaux (pronounced BOO-DRO) and spot(uncle boudreaux's black lab. I am also confused about the name). The first flock of ducks came in, we stood and fired. Each getting one duck. Well, Spot jumped up and took off to retrieve those ducks, and he went "plat,plat,plat,plat" right on top of the water. I was suprized to see that, but I thought uncle Boudreaux was pulling my leg, so I said nothing. In came the next flock and the same thing, "plat, plat, plat" right on top of the water. This time I said "Hey, uncle Boudreaux, what is up with that there dog of yours?" He said you know......
I never could teach that dog to swim.
I hope this gets a few groans.
EZ, it's one of my favorite jokes (in a slightly different and more drawn out form), but it's not a groaner. There's no pun.
Once upon a time there was a little yellow frog. This little frog was sad all the time because all the other frogs were green. They teased him and he was never included in any groups. He longed to be green like all of the other frogs. One day as he was sitting and crying about his condition his fairy godmother appeared.
"What's wrong little frog?" she asked.
"All the other frogs are green, but I'm yellow and don't fit in. I want to be green like all the other frogs."
His fairy godmother waived her magic wand and said, "It shall be so."
The frog felt tingly and looked down at his body. He was the perfect shade of green. He was so thankful and happy as he admired the new color. He was looking at his new body when he noticed yellow. "Fairy godmother," he said, "Thank you for turning me green, but why is my penis still yellow?"
She replied, "My magic has limitations. I'm unable to change you entirely. This is the most I'm able to do."
The frog pleaded, "But fairy godmother, I want to be completely green. Isn't there something that can be done?"
"Well little frog, there is a powerful wizard who may be able to help you."
The frog was so excited he immediated began his journey to find this great magician.
The fairy godmother decided to look around for anyone else she could help before she too departed. She saw a pink elephant sitting and crying. The elephant's story was similar to the frog's. He was pink and wanted to be gray. She waived her wand with similar results. He was now gray except for his trunk and she gave him the same explanation.
The elephant said, "But fairy godmother, I want to be completely gray. Isn't there something that can be done?"
"Well, there is a powerful wizard who may be able to help you."
The elephant asked, "Fairy godmother, how do I find this powerful wizard?"
To which the fairy godmother responded............
"Follow the yellow dicked toad."
Once upon a time there was a little yellow frog. This little frog was sad all the time because all the other frogs were green. They teased him and he was never included in any groups. He longed to be green like all of the other frogs. One day as he was sitting and crying about his condition his fairy godmother appeared.
"What's wrong little frog?" she asked.
"All the other frogs are green, but I'm yellow and don't fit in. I want to be green like all the other frogs."
His fairy godmother waived her magic wand and said, "It shall be so."
The frog felt tingly and looked down at his body. He was the perfect shade of green. He was so thankful and happy as he admired the new color. He was looking at his new body when he noticed yellow. "Fairy godmother," he said, "Thank you for turning me green, but why is my penis still yellow?"
She replied, "My magic has limitations. I'm unable to change you entirely. This is the most I'm able to do."
The frog pleaded, "But fairy godmother, I want to be completely green. Isn't there something that can be done?"
"Well little frog, there is a powerful wizard who may be able to help you."
The frog was so excited he immediated began his journey to find this great magician.
The fairy godmother decided to look around for anyone else she could help before she too departed. She saw a pink elephant sitting and crying. The elephant's story was similar to the frog's. He was pink and wanted to be gray. She waived her wand with similar results. He was now gray except for his trunk and she gave him the same explanation.
The elephant said, "But fairy godmother, I want to be completely gray. Isn't there something that can be done?"
"Well, there is a powerful wizard who may be able to help you."
The elephant asked, "Fairy godmother, how do I find this powerful wizard?"
To which the fairy godmother responded............
"Follow the yellow dicked toad."
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard a strange noise. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest. The priest bent close to Mozarts grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..."
Suddenly the magistrate stood up and announced, "There's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
GRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAANnnnnnnnnnn!!!!
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..."
Suddenly the magistrate stood up and announced, "There's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
GRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAANnnnnnnnnnn!!!!
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