Lonely old lady needs feedback

[scbababe]

This sort of thing happened to me a couple of years ago, where I fell for a guy just completely shortly after I met him. That time made more sense, however, as I found him very, very physically attractive as well as intellectually challenging and appealing. This fellow also was a very competent, skilled individual with a work ethic similar to my own.
I thought men fell for women based on very little other than appearance all the time?
I am telling you, I can't figure out if this Southern guy liked me or pitied me or what!

Hi Nehallenia! Could it be, what has you feeling out of source is that it wasn't an immediate physical attraction that got you... it was his other qualities and those usually don't surface right away in some men.

Why do you think he may have pitied you? Were your work clothes less than flatering for this first encounter?

 

[Nehallenia]

Nehallenia, you are far from old! Whoever told you that or suggested you were approaching a magical age when you automatically become old should be flogged in a public square for all to see.

Additionally, from the two pictures in your profile, I would say that you are quite attractive as well. So you (in my opinion) shouldn't be apprehensive about any perceptions regarding problems in that area too (no, I'm NOT trying to pick you up - very happily married to the love of my life!). So again, if someone suggested that you were a 'Plain Jane' I would suggest you buy them a gift certificate to Lens Crafters as they obviously need glasses.

Now, getting back to the issue at hand. You mentioned that you sent him an e-mail. Did he respond? If so, follow through and establish a regular dialog and see what develops.

Another option to employ would be to determine where he works. You could send him an e-mail stating something to the effect of "Hey, I'm going to be in your area next Tuesday, want to have lunch together?" Innocent, honest, and would give you another shot at him.

I guess you could say that I'm all for you pursuing your interests. Go for it Girl! Life is too short to be saddled with regrets!

First of all, thank you very much for the compliments - yes, I have felt plain all my life, and my husband did nothing to disabuse me of that notion. I think it suited his needs, actually, that I believed myself unattractive and acted that way. Enough about him already! I will tuck those kind words of yours away for a time when I am having an ugly day; thanks. Also thank you for saying I am not old!

Yes, he did respond to my email, friendly but non-commital, but what can one expect at this point? I do know where he works: about a thousand miles from here, when he is not travelling. Then it is farther.

The real kicker here could be that he already has an SO. Then I would feel really silly!

 

[Nehallenia]

Hi Nehallenia! Could it be, what has you feeling out of source is that it wasn't an immediate physical attraction that got you... it was his other qualities and those usually don't surface right away in some men.

Why do you think he may have pitied you? Were your work clothes less than flatering for this first encounter?

First paragraph: You know, you may have hit the nail directly on the head, there. I really liked this guy right away. So open, and genuine, and unaffected. And a great sense of humour. And his looks grow on you. Because they are attached to a great person.

Second paragraph: Hmmm - why did I think that? Because I felt it (so it is all about me)? The way he kept looking at me as if . . . I don't know, because he seemed to want to be so helpful? Why am I so suspicious?? Dr. Bill!!

OK, I will be honest: I am suspicious because in the past men who had been "helpful" expected "payback".

 

[simbrooks]

Firstly as for him being attached already - just work it into the conversation/email asking about him, his wife/GF etc, does she mind him running all over the place for business. You wont know unless you ask.

Ok, so your attraction is based upon the man inside rather than aesthetic appeals - again this is possible. As for suspicious of him "pitying" you, when you lack self-confidence (and you might do after years of your confidence being shattered by your ex-husband and need time to rebuild that), you see a lot of other things in what people say/do than are actually there. Helpful = payback, not sure what payback you mean, but if someone is nice to me, i try to be to them and when i hold out the olive branch i like reciprocation as well - but from the way your phrased it i can only think that isnt what you were thinking/implying. Some people are just good natured and want to help, you're lucky if you find one of those.

As for old - ok, older than me, but no, not old. Lonely - well that is your business, now you are a free agent, get out there, meet your neighbour!! As for looks - nope i wouldnt complain there either

 

[Nehallenia]

Firstly as for him being attached already - just work it into the conversation/email asking about him, his wife/GF etc, does she mind him running all over the place for business. You wont know unless you ask.

Ok, so your attraction is based upon the man inside rather than aesthetic appeals - again this is possible. As for suspicious of him "pitying" you, when you lack self-confidence (and you might do after years of your confidence being shattered by your ex-husband and need time to rebuild that), you see a lot of other things in what people say/do than are actually there. Helpful = payback, not sure what payback you mean, but if someone is nice to me, i try to be to them and when i hold out the olive branch i like reciprocation as well - but from the way your phrased it i can only think that isnt what you were thinking/implying. Some people are just good natured and want to help, you're lucky if you find one of those.

As for old - ok, older than me, but no, not old. Lonely - well that is your business, now you are a free agent, get out there, meet your neighbour!! As for looks - nope i wouldnt complain there either

Good idea there, will try to work that in without being TOO obvious.

You are certainly right about the shaky self-confidence, yes, I am working on that (and your kind words are very helpful!). Payback . . . they expect . . . "intimacy" when you gave them no reason to think that would be a possibility. I have good friends, male and female, who I give help or support to and receive same from them. It just . . . freaked me out to be accepting help from a person I felt strangely emotionally attracted to, wanted to trust, and . . . I just didn't know what to do, and I still really don't know what to do. It is probably all a waste of time thinking about it, because it is unlikely I will ever see him again! Dammit. Or not. Ahhh!

 

[Nomaster]

This sort of thing happened to me a couple of years ago, where I fell for a guy just completely shortly after I met him. That time made more sense, however, as I found him very, very physically attractive as well as intellectually challenging and appealing. This fellow also was a very competent, skilled individual with a work ethic similar to my own.

I thought men fell for women based on very little other than appearance all the time?

I am telling you, I can't figure out if this Southern guy liked me or pitied me or what!

I tried to stay out of this one, because I have to leave to go diving in a short while (darn), but no... not all men, not only looks.
I agree with what simbrooks said, I think a greater proportion of men are shallow, but looks go fast. I mean before they're gone, without substance, the woman cannot hold any attraction.
I can't say that I have a list, but I find that the women I still pine for were tomboys, self sufficient, self confident, and wanted a partner, never really needed a partner. Sometimes we just want to hold someone and share.
Maybe that is a need.
Which is my introduction to needy feelings, one of my fears, I don't think it's uncommon for a self-confident, self-sufficient person to misrepresent themselves as needy because they like someone around, helping or whatever.
Sometimes, letting a person help us when we don't need it is the greatest love we can give. I don't think wanting to do that is being needy.
If it gets to be a consistent habit, another story.
Outside example, I learned from my ex-father-in-law, sometimes advice and help are all a person has to give, accepting that is the greatest return love a person can express. I think this goes for any realationship, often in the developing stages. Nope, not needy, you were loving.

Tom

 

[Nomaster]

First, let me jump in with both boot and hope I don't squish anyone!

Nehallenia, you are far from old! Whoever told you that or suggested you were approaching a magical age when you automatically become old should be flogged in a public square for all to see.

Additionally, from the two pictures in your profile, I would say that you are quite attractive as well. So you (in my opinion) shouldn't be apprehensive about any perceptions regarding problems in that area too (no, I'm NOT trying to pick you up - very happily married to the love of my life!). So again, if someone suggested that you were a 'Plain Jane' I would suggest you buy them a gift certificate to Lens Crafters as they obviously need glasses.

Now, getting back to the issue at hand. You mentioned that you sent him an e-mail. Did he respond? If so, follow through and establish a regular dialog and see what develops.

Another option to employ would be to determine where he works. You could send him an e-mail stating something to the effect of "Hey, I'm going to be in your area next Tuesday, want to have lunch together?" Innocent, honest, and would give you another shot at him.

I guess you could say that I'm all for you pursuing your interests. Go for it Girl! Life is too short to be saddled with regrets!

Take care and keep us informed!

Warmest Regards,

Lee

N., re read this.

Tom

 

[Nomaster]

First of all, thank you very much for the compliments - yes, I have felt plain all my life, and my husband did nothing to disabuse me of that notion. I think it suited his needs, actually, that I believed myself unattractive and acted that way. Enough about him already! I will tuck those kind words of yours away for a time when I am having an ugly day; thanks. Also thank you for saying I am not old!

Yes, he did respond to my email, friendly but non-commital, but what can one expect at this point? I do know where he works: about a thousand miles from here, when he is not travelling. Then it is farther.

The real kicker here could be that he already has an SO. Then I would feel really silly!

And, maybe he doesn't.
1,000 miles, two hours.

Tom

 

[Nomaster]

First paragraph: You know, you may have hit the nail directly on the head, there. I really liked this guy right away. So open, and genuine, and unaffected. And a great sense of humour. And his looks grow on you. Because they are attached to a great person.

Second paragraph: Hmmm - why did I think that? Because I felt it (so it is all about me)? The way he kept looking at me as if . . . I don't know, because he seemed to want to be so helpful? Why am I so suspicious?? Dr. Bill!!

OK, I will be honest: I am suspicious because in the past men who had been "helpful" expected "payback".

Let him expect.
Some of us want it... but not neccessarily in the form you might expect.
But I have an entire two hour lecture on that subject, and there are many books already written.
There is no contract until you accept it.

Tom

 

[Nomaster]

Good idea there, will try to work that in without being TOO obvious.

You are certainly right about the shaky self-confidence, yes, I am working on that (and your kind words are very helpful!). Payback . . . they expect . . . "intimacy" when you gave them no reason to think that would be a possibility. I have good friends, male and female, who I give help or support to and receive same from them. It just . . . freaked me out to be accepting help from a person I felt strangely emotionally attracted to, wanted to trust, and . . . I just didn't know what to do, and I still really don't know what to do. It is probably all a waste of time thinking about it, because it is unlikely I will ever see him again! Dammit. Or not. Ahhh!

Not a waste of time, preparation for the next opportunity!

Tom