I think my wife might be leaving me - but now SHE needs to decide....advice???
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I feel your pain, man. I myself am divorced three times...it's never easy. Life WILL get better for you, that is my promise to you!!! I know that from experience. Your SB pals are here for you. Hang in there, ok? It sounds like you've done some really intelligent thinking on the matter. Take care...and I know you can't wait to start on your dive destination bucket list.
it's so difficult to give advice in these circumstances, but i think this is a cry for help & support for yourself . you are clearly unhappy and that is not helping you cope with the depression. if your relationship is falling apart then it's not just one issue it's a combination of things, you have to ask yourself a few deep & piercing questions. They aren't any of my business but something to think about.
1) do you love your wife?
2)do you love your stepchildren?
3) is the fear of failure prompting you to hang into something making you unhappy?
4) has your wife defined where exactly you are 'failing' as a husband & father?
5) is there conflict of interests with the children's father?
6) is your wife telling you the truth about her councelling session?
7) what are the successes in your life?
8) why did your wife's former relationship breakdown?
9) Why are you seeing councellors instead of having a moan to family/friends?
10) is she simply homesick?
11) how would she cope as a single mother?
12) have any of her friends/family divorced recently (believe me peer pressure is a terrible thing)?
13) is she having difficulty dealing with your depression?
14) has someone given her the idea that depression is 'catching' and she fears for her kids?
15) is stress playing too big a role in your lives?
there are many other questions to ask yourself, but they don't point to you as a failure, just an unpleasant situation which needs dealing with. take a deep breath, possibly a little time away for yourself, decide what outcome you want then ask her to sit down and discuss what outcome she really wants, if it becomes an argument then call a halt to the discussion, try again with possibly a 'referee'.
1) do you love your wife?
2)do you love your stepchildren?
3) is the fear of failure prompting you to hang into something making you unhappy?
4) has your wife defined where exactly you are 'failing' as a husband & father?
5) is there conflict of interests with the children's father?
6) is your wife telling you the truth about her councelling session?
7) what are the successes in your life?
8) why did your wife's former relationship breakdown?
9) Why are you seeing councellors instead of having a moan to family/friends?
10) is she simply homesick?
11) how would she cope as a single mother?
12) have any of her friends/family divorced recently (believe me peer pressure is a terrible thing)?
13) is she having difficulty dealing with your depression?
14) has someone given her the idea that depression is 'catching' and she fears for her kids?
15) is stress playing too big a role in your lives?
there are many other questions to ask yourself, but they don't point to you as a failure, just an unpleasant situation which needs dealing with. take a deep breath, possibly a little time away for yourself, decide what outcome you want then ask her to sit down and discuss what outcome she really wants, if it becomes an argument then call a halt to the discussion, try again with possibly a 'referee'.
Chiclet
Registered
Perhaps you should try taking it "laying down"...nudge, nudge, wink, wink. I am a couples counselor myself and I don't mean to sound uncaring, but I have also walked away from 3 marriages (2 abusive) and found the 3rd was the one I should have married in the first place. I truly am sorry for your situation you find yourself in right now, but perhaps it is for the better. One thing you don't want to do is, if she seems her mind is made up to leave, then really what you are doing is prolonging the agony to yourself and putting good money after bad. Not to mention putting your energy into something that sounds pretty moot instead of creating good energy to which you can use to get yourself onto the "healing" road. I truly feel for you but there is one thing that I noticed and that was you were asking for marital help on a diving forum, which makes me want to remind you that as a diver, and I'm assuming you are, you already know that there are plenty of other beautiful fish in the sea. I just lost my husband ten days ago and I am finding myself at somewhat the same crossroads and where do I find myself going back to?...mine (and his) true great love, and that was diving. Sometimes memories are all we are ever left with to help you move on. I'm finding it hard taking my own advice, but there you have it. Perhaps we can heal and help each other. If you're anything like me, you could use a few new friends right now. I'm open to listening, that's all I can offer, but often that is all we need. Good luck. And the reason I'm on this sight is because I am trying to locate any of our students and old dive buddies so I can let them all know of his passing and begin healing and just stumbled onto your post. But I am very sincere in what I had written here for you.
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vladimir
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The smartest thing I did before my divorce was hide a pile of cash. It had to sustain me while lawyers froze my assets and destroyed my business. Abandon any notions of fair play that you may have. You can send her a check for half of it a year later if you feel guiilty.
Chiclet
Registered
As once both a Councelor and an Assistant Instructor (my husband was the Instructor), I found a link between alot of reasons people decide to take up scuba diving when it never entered their head before. Other prominent links I found were most new divers were also parachute from a plane divers; played chess; were at crossroads in their lives; were claustrophobic; and were having marital problems. So, if you want to be a dive instructor, my husband and I found ourselves wearing alot of different hats.The list goes on but you get my drift............dive.......ahh....I still got it.:blinking:
What I learned after 15 yrs of marriage...Divorce is expensive but freedom is pricesless.
I was the one that wanted to leave, I paid for the divorce and gave him everything. Be prepared, know all your assets, and get a good attorney. It's different for every situation. Divorce is not a one size fits all deal.
Divorce is what started me diving and I have had the best of times since. I hope you will find happiness, especially when you go to your dream dive destinations!
Mahalo!
Carolyn:shark2:
I was the one that wanted to leave, I paid for the divorce and gave him everything. Be prepared, know all your assets, and get a good attorney. It's different for every situation. Divorce is not a one size fits all deal.
Divorce is what started me diving and I have had the best of times since. I hope you will find happiness, especially when you go to your dream dive destinations!
Mahalo!
Carolyn:shark2:
Life goes on. The period around my divorce was the low point of my life, and no one's advice made it any less so.
I discovered Tae Kwon Do at that low point, and the intense focus and drenching workouts, washed away a huge amount of the pain and anger. I also rediscovered diving, and found a peace I had almost forgotten existed.
I took the Nietzsche quote "That which does not kill us makes us stronger.", and the line "success is the best form of revenge", to heart, and decided to focus on my own growth. Today, I can sit quietly with my X and discuss our children, and feel none of the anger and pain I once was filled with, and even last evening I sat and had a couple of beers with her newest fiance, and felt sorry for him.
It took time to find this peace, but looking back on what was, and now is, I am better off for having moved on with my life. Occupy yourself with improving the person you are, for yourself, and in time the pain decreases. Make friends, stay busy, find things to do that bring you peace, even if for just a minute or two at a time, at first. All these help to move you down the road, and lessen the pain and anger.
I discovered Tae Kwon Do at that low point, and the intense focus and drenching workouts, washed away a huge amount of the pain and anger. I also rediscovered diving, and found a peace I had almost forgotten existed.
I took the Nietzsche quote "That which does not kill us makes us stronger.", and the line "success is the best form of revenge", to heart, and decided to focus on my own growth. Today, I can sit quietly with my X and discuss our children, and feel none of the anger and pain I once was filled with, and even last evening I sat and had a couple of beers with her newest fiance, and felt sorry for him.
It took time to find this peace, but looking back on what was, and now is, I am better off for having moved on with my life. Occupy yourself with improving the person you are, for yourself, and in time the pain decreases. Make friends, stay busy, find things to do that bring you peace, even if for just a minute or two at a time, at first. All these help to move you down the road, and lessen the pain and anger.
Somewhere I saw a quote recently:
"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it!"
For me a little humor helps a lot!
"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it!"
For me a little humor helps a lot!
I wish you the best in anything you decide. I would like to throw in my .02 since you are here.
Don't make it hateful. You cannot control another's emotions but you can control your behavior. A child is a child and and even though you are her step father, Unless you were beating here and mean to her, She will still love you, It is what kids do. Even if she hears bad about you from the adults around her. (If that is even an issue?) She knows the truth. So Don't let this change your love towards her. She will grow up remembering you and in this digital age you might still get to watch her grow. You mention a few times that your depression was a major contributor. Patience can wear a person down.
Just a fact no blame.
A marriage is a hard road. Too many think it is something to do many times. And I guess nowadays it is. I have 15 years tucked under my belt. and fought tooth and nail for the first 10 of them. (Not with each other, Just to not leave sometimes) I now am one of the luckiest I know.
There will be a lot of tender feelings and raw nerves for this process. but remember they are not all your feelings and pain. And just because yours is so painful doesn't mean you must pass that on.... You can make this a nicer process.
I wouldn't tell you how to spend your money, But hiding assets from an ex shows a lack or moral fiber that society can do without. IJS
Good Luck and GB all you do in this difficult time
Don't make it hateful. You cannot control another's emotions but you can control your behavior. A child is a child and and even though you are her step father, Unless you were beating here and mean to her, She will still love you, It is what kids do. Even if she hears bad about you from the adults around her. (If that is even an issue?) She knows the truth. So Don't let this change your love towards her. She will grow up remembering you and in this digital age you might still get to watch her grow. You mention a few times that your depression was a major contributor. Patience can wear a person down.
Just a fact no blame.
A marriage is a hard road. Too many think it is something to do many times. And I guess nowadays it is. I have 15 years tucked under my belt. and fought tooth and nail for the first 10 of them. (Not with each other, Just to not leave sometimes) I now am one of the luckiest I know.
There will be a lot of tender feelings and raw nerves for this process. but remember they are not all your feelings and pain. And just because yours is so painful doesn't mean you must pass that on.... You can make this a nicer process.
I wouldn't tell you how to spend your money, But hiding assets from an ex shows a lack or moral fiber that society can do without. IJS
Good Luck and GB all you do in this difficult time
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