I think my wife might be leaving me - but now SHE needs to decide....advice???

[Superlyte27]

First,
the indifference approach.... give me a break

Secondly:
When I got married, it was forever. Through the good and the bad and even the worse than bad. We've been through "even the worse than bad" and we are still together. This is very simple. If you love her, if you meant it on your wedding day "until death do us part", then give everything you have in you to survive this marriage. Don't give up, ever. Fight for reconcilliation until the end. And let her know that's exactly how you feel.

When me and my wife were at our worst spot ever, I made the decision. "Shannon, we both want to kill each other, we are miserable, our lives suck together, but... this is temporary. Let's not make a permanent decision for a temporary problem. Things will get better, we will be happy again. Life sucks right now, but only for right now. I AM NOT GIVING UP MY WIFE". And you know what... things got better. We didn't give up. We're still married (almost 15 years now). And most importantly, we are stronger and happier than before the hardship.

Some things are worth fighting for. Is your marriage? If so, make the decision, and run toward success.

My prayers are with you.

 

[DennisS]

It sounds like she's on the way out the door, but that's only speculation based on one side.

If you could get her to post her side here, you will get all kinds of good advice. Just check out the accident and incidents section of scubaboard, given the two sides of your relationship you could probably get 3-400 posts of advice. All of it priceless

 

[TwoBitTxn]

You have twice said that she claims you are not the husband she needs you to be.

Has she told you what it is that she thinks she needs? Have you asked? Does she even know?

Don't give her a deadline. Keep talking to her.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Zieg]

I understand R. Lee Emory is doing counseling. Perhaps you need his help.

 

[Scott L]

A. Dee didn't come "unglued", she just dared call you out for moronic advice, and yes, I'm a fella, not a Stella in a very successful relationship. I credit much of the success of my relationship with the complete and refreshing lack of high schoolish headgames you are suggesting Scott.

You and your gal are obviously more compatible. He apparently wants the relationship to work in the face of great adversity hence my thoughts. I believe he was soliciting the boards advise regardless of the fact that he knows professional advice is preferred. I do not believe they are open on weekends. Pop a brew and chill my fellow Conch..

 

[DebbyDiver]

Showing indifference toward a woman is a great way to make her run, not walk, out the door. An indifferent man is SURELY not the "husband she needs you to be."

My advice to you is to ask the mods to delete this thread, then get professional help. Perhaps you have EAP at work, or counseling at church, or can seek out a professional therapist. Whatever you do, good luck, man.

 

[skankpile]

Here is my positive spin..

If she went to Oregon to visit her family they probably hates you as well. She probably talks on the phone about what a schmuck you are, and your stepdaughter probably tells her friends she hates you as well.

Please tell me she did not convince you to get the vasectomy...

Consider yourself lucky (besides the vasectomy), unless you are a jobless, poor, ugly, short, fat dude... there may be hope. In your depressive state if you rule out suicide, you might go ahead and get divorced, what do you have to loose anyways. You are just wasting time you could be spending on yourself without all the baggage.

Remember, for you next major decision, to take an extended test drive first, and in business leasing is usually better than buying

 

[ewaiea]

I'm not worried about you guys knowing or not. I got home from work (after a 16 hour night shift on a Friday night) and it's pretty much decided - she wants out.

I could fight for this but I think there is more to it - maybe on her trip she met someone who directly or indirectly brought her to this mind set. I guess moving to the Pacific Northwest is more important than our marriage and now she's putting it on me. I don't care how or why she thinks this all of a sudden but I'll let her take her daughter and leave the state.

Seems insensitive but her mind is made up and therefore mine has to be as well. I told her I would pay for her plane ticket (since it's actually already booked on my credit card for another trip - we can just credit the ticket to her final destination). I told her that's the severence - there would be no alimony since she is leaving me.

She wants to stay under the same roof while she studies for her massage therepy license for Oregon and Washington - I told her I'd give her 3 months - by end of Christmas I will move out and divorce papers will be served. She's not telling me everything but I think I can piece the puzzle together.

I feel so hurt and alone - but I must move on with my life. I loved this woman and would lay down in front of a train for her and her daughter and she'd rather move up north, work two jobs, and maybe even go on public assistance than wait until we can move up there as a family! See what I mean? It doesn't add up - we have a comfortable, stable, loving home.

I won't consider marriage for at least 15 years - and NEVER will I ever get involved with someone with kids - it's just not worth it. I've seen both sides and I'll take childless by choice every day of the week and twice on Sunday. I don't care who disagrees with me - I now know what I want out of life and I have a chance to seize it at the cost of a few months of hard patience.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you fall out of love at the drop of a hat - at least have the guts to stand up and tell your spouse the full story....

Oh and the vasectomy - that was all me. I just thought since I loved her I could do the step parent thing, I was told I was good at it and people thought her daughter was my real daughter too. We had alot in common - but I don't regret getting the snip. I would never want to be fertile again - just opens you up to too much financial and personal ruin. I know why those of you who have kids do it - I understand - but it's just not for me. I want to make money, travel, and maybe find someone who wants the same out of life. At least I'm secure in what I want and not afraid to admit it.

 

[gypsyjim]

Good luck. Sometimes really loving someone means we have to be able to turn and walk away, allowing everyone time and space to figure out what is truly important.
There is always more to these things than we can admit to ourselves, let alone each other.

I can't begin to give anyone advice on how to make a marriage work. I can tell you what did not work for me though.

I can also tell you that this can be a step in your own growth. Focus on becoming the person you want to see looking back at you from the mirror, get on with your life, and in time this all becomes a part of what will have made you the man you want to be. If you let it.

Sadly, when kids are involved, though, it is they who end up being hurt the worst. This I also know form personal experience. Please try to not let the girl become a weapon, or pawn in this.

 

[DeusVerto]

I understand R. Lee Emory is doing counseling. Perhaps you need his help.

What IS your major malfunction?

LMAO (gotta love R. Lee)

On a more serious note, some good advice has been given, some not so good. Did these two people get to know one another before they got married? I really hate to see cavalier treatment of a committed relationship. However, both of them need to want it to work or it won't.