I think my wife might be leaving me - but now SHE needs to decide....advice???

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ewaiea

Contributor
Messages
320
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Location
Minnesota (USA)
# of dives
200 - 499
My wife recently returned from a trip to Oregon. Out of the blue she is unhappy with me as a husband and step father. We have sought counseling in the past due to marital indifferences regarding child raising - she has a daughter, I have a vasectomy - aka this is my only parenting experience. It turns out I was suffering from depression and that was a major contributor to the hardships we were experiencing.

After counseling things really came full circle and I thought the worst days were behind us - now out of the blue she's not sure what she wants. She feels I'm inadequate in various areas of parenting, being a husband, etc. I can only offer her my full support but since she has talked to the counselor once and sprang this on me, and refuses to go to future sessions it sounds to me like her mind is made up.

She's been put through this when we went through counseling but I insisted on seeking professional help to save our marriage. She has only seen the counselor once since she returned (a few days ago) and I thought it was for wishing she was back in the Pacific Northwest (which is where I know she is most happy)....turns out she's having full out marriage doubts. I don't get it, maybe deep down I deserve this since I was the one who had second thoughts earlier in our marriage - perhaps I am not worthy of this marriage.

Since she is contemplating leaving - how long should I give her to make her mind up. I want to be a good husband - but I also don't want to take this laying down either.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
 
Perhaps a trial separation would be in order. It is my experience both inside and looking from outside relationships that self dignity is a must. Let her do her own thing in order to reconcile her thoughts and feelings. A show of indifference is a power tool when dealing with relationships, especially women. The best of luck! We have all been there...
 
I would recommend counseling for her "again" solo but "maybe" with someone other than the counselor she originally saw? Then works towards going together as a couple. Would also be worth it for you to go see a counselor alone yourself to help you get through this.

Reaching out to people around you is great, keep it up. Look to friends, family, and professional help.
 
I sought counseling earlier this year and the psychologist diagnosed me with a form of depression known as dystemia. Without boring you with the details I think that I overcame it. Nonetheless it was a rough time because I had to have my wife sit by wondering whether her marriage was going to last or not. She almost made the decision to leave but in the end we both ultimately could not do it. After some calm talking about it a realization was reached about how much we love one another.

But now, she is coming to me with a known issue - (mine was an unknown issue - I wasn't sure what was wrong) - she just says that I'm not the husband she needs me to be. I really thought that as a husband and step dad I came full circle - I don't know what else she wants from me.

I think I will take the non-chalant approach. I'll let her make her choice - I just hope she's not going to look for financial support if she walks out.
 
Perhaps a trial separation would be in order. It is my experience both inside and looking from outside relationships that self dignity is a must. Let her do her own thing in order to reconcile her thoughts and feelings. A show of indifference is a power tool when dealing with relationships, especially women. The best of luck! We have all been there...

Did you Really just say that a show of indifference is a power tool? I really hope you quit trying to give this guy advice. And no, you have not All been there. You just showed why you were there. Don't give advice about things you obviously have no understanding about - women and relationships.

OP, please don't listen to this crap. If you do, you may as well sign the divorce papers now. If your relationship is worth fighting for, then do everything possible to work it out. If it doesn't, Then you will be hurt, but you won't have those self-recriminations for playing absurd games. If you don't feel that it is worth it, walk away honestly and move on.
 
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A member of my family went through depression. It's not what you think it is - it's much worse.

Don't blame yourself. It's really difficult to work through your health issues in addition to trying to be a parent to a child you didn't start out with and worrying about keeping your spouse happy.

If she says you aren't the "whatever" she expected or wants you to be - but does not tell you exactly what she wants or expects then that is really just an execuse to not deal with whatever the real issues are.

Sure you may not be perfect (who is) but if she wants you to grow and become a better husband she needs to help in the process.

I can't help you with a solution but I can say that based on the information you provided - the situation is just as much (if not more her) fault than yours. Don't beat yourself up over it!
 
Wow this is definitely non diving subject matter. But without knowing a lot about you and your relationship, please take this with a grain in of salt... It sounds like she has found someone else and wants to move on. Put your big boy pants on and let them go. Get a good lawyer that will preserve your financial well being. Get active in diving to develop a social life and meet people with a common interest.
Good luck and dive safe
Tim
 
Did you Really just say that a show of indifference is a power tool? I really hope you quit trying to give this guy advice. And no, you have not All been there. You just showed why you were there. Don't give advice about things you obviously have no understanding about - women and relationships.

OP, please don't listen to this crap. If you do, you may as well sign the divorce papers now. If your relationship is worth fighting for, then do everything possible to work it out. If it doesn't, Then you will be hurt, but you won't have those self-recriminations for playing absurd games. If you don't feel that it is worth it, walk away honestly and move on.

OP, please take note of how effective that tool is with women. ZenDiver who is a female, just came unglued half way around the world with the notion of withdrawing. You must do someting different as status qou was not working for you. Listen to the fellas and not the Stellas. :)
 
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Your first paragraph is quite an introduction to the issue.

I think this is the last place to look for advice with marital problems, but if you're going for it I suggest you give useful data. All these collateral information is distracting, does it matter you had a vasectomy? makes for a funny statement with the parenting, but I get the feeling you were not going for the laughs.

First and foremost... do you love this woman? nothing in the post indicates you do, if you don't love her then I like the "big boy pants" suggestion given above.

The other option, if you do love her, I'd say get ready for a lot of drama. Take care of that depression issue also, maybe some happy meds can help out dealing with this.
 
OP, please take note of how effective that tool is with women. ZenDiver who is a female, just came unglued half way around the world with the notion of withdrawing. You must do someting different as status qou was not working for you. Listen to the fellas and not the Stellas. :)

A. Dee didn't come "unglued", she just dared call you out for moronic advice, and yes, I'm a fella, not a Stella in a very successful relationship. I credit much of the success of my relationship with the complete and refreshing lack of high schoolish headgames you are suggesting Scott.

B. To the OP, please do yourself a favor and seek advice from professionals, not unqualified hacks on a scuba diving board.
 

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