I am having 'issues' with my spouse over wanting to continue scuba diving (long)

[FredT]

It just usually is if you you insist on diving in warm water with 200'vis and lots of pretty fish.

victoriawtx:

This has been touched on, but a marriage has to be created new every morning. I've been doing this for 29 years with the same woman, so it must work at least a little.

The other thing to _try_ to explain to a non-diving spouse is the fact that diving isn't a hobby, it's a lifestyle. EVERYTHING outside family will eventually revolve around the activity, and even some family life will be effected. ("But honey I NEED to boil these parts in vinegar to clean them. Please just run out to the yard for while until the fumes disperse. I'll have dinner ready a little later.") You'll find that you pick dentists and doctors that dive, and understand the effects of pressure on drugs and dental work. Cars will be selected with gear hauling as priority #2 with style and $s as a distant third and fourth. As always safety is priority one, but how gear can be secured in transit is a big part of that.

San Antonio has several reasonable fresh water dive sites close by, with Lake Travis and Canyon Lake coming to mind. This saves on travel costs, and allows a day trip to work well. Second hand gear is available at dive club swap meets and through newspaper want ads. You mask HAS to fit, other gear is not quite as critical as most fins will work for a while, and any simple snorkel in good condition is good enough for starters.

To get hooked up with some local divers bop over to http://diverlink.com/forum and either leave a message for Tadpole or send him an e-mail. He's a retired SCUBA instructor in your area and should know "where all the bodies are buried" concerning local diving, dive clubs, swap meets, etc. Last I heard he still had a couple dive shops worth of vintage gear in his garage, but he may have liquidated it by now. He is also recovering from surgery so he may be in less than an enthusiastic mood, but he should at least get you started on the correct road as far as your gear search is concerned. There is also info on Diverlink on built it yourself gear. The ones I've checked are correct and will produce functional, but not stylish, gear.

FT

 

[Conor]

I dive but I think I can see where your husband is coming from. On a recent holiday I agreed with my girlfriend and the friends that I was travelling with that I would take a few days out to do my AOW, this inspired my gf to do her OW, which is great as we can now dive together. But I did notice how much time the OW course takes out of a holiday, between classroom sessions, pool dives, OW dives and study it can swallow a big chunk of the holiday, this wasn't so bad for me, but the other couple we were on holiday with were disappointed (understandably) as the two people they had come on holiday with were busy diving and studying etc. all the time.

Your husband may be left with the impression that any time you go diving it will take over all your time, when the reality is that you can dive in the morning and spend the rest of the day together, but his worry is probably exaggerated as he sees it taking up a lot of your time together still in conversation. Hopefully it'll begin to disappear if he sees that there is a difference between courses and diving in terms of the amount of time it takes.

If you take up some of the offers here to dive locally you may start to satisfy the craving and therefore obsess about it less. A little time apart in a relationship or having slightly different interests is not a bad thing as long as it doesn't leave a gap in his life.

I have a great friend who is someone I would love to dive with, he happens to be the guy in the couple mentioned previously, but he has had similar ear related trouble. He won't see a doctor to find out if it would prevent him from diving although his girlfriend is mad about scuba, Why ? I don't really know but I think it may be that as long as it is his choice it is ok, but he wouldn't like to be 'told' he couldn't. I guess this made the holiday experience worse for him as he could see other people doing something he would want to do but can't and in the process stopping him from doing other things.

Hope some of this helps

Conor

 

[large_diver]

Victoria,

Not sure I'm offering anything new that hasn't already been said above but I'll give you my $0.02. I am 38, have been married for about 14 years, and have 2 young kids (8 & 6). I started diving back in 2000. I am also a finance/accounting type, so I can sympathize with your husband's $$$ worries as well ;-)

Most of us on this board are pretty obsessed with scuba -- it is a very fun and addictive sport/hobby. Also expensive, at least up front.

At the same time, as you know, having young kids is incredibly time and energy consuming, not too mention all the lost sleep. The financial impact of having a child is also rather daunting...and this never goes away. If it's not new furniture and diapers, it's daycare costs, then pre-school costs, then school costs and of course the granddaddy of them all -- saving for college. If you listen to the "experts" our there, the amount you should be saving each month to fund your college education is incredible....

Anyway -- the bottom line is that as a financial guy your husband is probably pretty concerned about $$$ and rightly so. There is a lot to think about. I myself obsess about it almost every day, almost more than I obsess about scuba ;-)

You are in love with diving, a love your husband apparently does not share. This is tough, since it means it is a hobby that that you will do by yourself....and one that costs $$$.

So I think the key here is to try and put yourself in your husband's shoes and empathize with his concerns -- $$$ and the time/effort involved with raising a family. I think it is worth having a heart-to-heart with him about your interest in scuba, realizing going into this conversation that you may have to put off pursuing it "full force" until you have more time/$$$ to do so. Talk about your interest in scuba, but acknowledge the costs. Discuss putting together a reasonable plan that you can both feel comfortable with regarding costs and time devoted to scuba. This could involve buying gear piece by piece. It could also involve renting gear to do local diving -- renting a full kit from my LDS is about $50 a day...still significant, but proposing occasional local shore diving at $50-75 per day is much easier to swallow than the cost of a buying a full gear set-up ($1,500-2,000) and dive travel to warm locations.

Also -- he is likely feeling like his life is changed. With a baby in the house and financial concerns, he may feel like he does not have the time, energy or $$$ to pursue hobbies of his own...and here you are obsessing about scuba all the time. Acknowledge his leisure needs and talk about how you want to let him carve out time and $$ to pursure his hobbies. In my situation this is important -- I give my wife plenty of support and time to pursue her hobby (playing soccer) and for her career. When she feels supported and gets the time she needs for herself, she is more than willing to let me go diving at least one weekend a month.

One more comment -- be reasonable in your expectations. Going on a Carribbean diving vacation every year when he does not like to dive and is concerned about $$$ may not be a reasonable request. You might try the "baby step" of getting involved in local diving opportunities, which is less expensive and intrusive than a pricey vacation.

Anyway, hope my rambling thoughts help in some small way. Good luck!

-Chris

 

[yknot]

Victoria-
Ask yourself why, when you and your husband took a vacation together, you ended up doing your own thing. If diving is really what you are interested in and your husband doesn't support you I would suspect there are other issues in your marriage. Not to be sexist, but would your spouse be as against your new passion if it were quilting? Scuba has a perception of being a male dominated sport by a lot of people and that may be part of his concern. My wife has no interest in diving but in fairness to her I have suggested she find a hobby that is as enjoyable for her as diving is for me. Couples don't have to have the same passions about everything.

 

[Wreck/Tec]

Well now, I had an experience, not like yours perhaps, but problematic nun the less. My mother had two strokes. While I was waiting late at night in the hosoital a doctor had come to me and said my mother may not see the light of day and I should prepare accordingly. My mind was full of things like all the wasted time, the fragility of life and such. Well my mother fooled them all. However, I had an eye opening experience. I chose Scuba as the one thing I wanted to do, rather than wish I had done it. My wife complained because of the expense. I started doing side jobs, and continue today to pay for my addiction. My wife still dosn't care for scuba, but as the money for it comes from a source other than my main job she lives with it. I'm one of those guys who is always home, the exception being work or diving. She won't entertain any notions of participating, but hasn't interviened when I started the kids. I would love her participation, and or her company. But that's my fantasy I guess. Women, albeit unfairly, bear a heavier burden than men, with respect to familys. I hope you get your dream. I would join a club. For the miminal expense you can have exposure and maybe score some gear on the cheap side. Don't abandon it all together!
Wreck/Tec

 

[Jersey]

I feel your pain. Although my husband dives, he is more interested in being the proverbial 2 weeks a yr 'vacation diver'. He gets really annoyed when I mention DIR, something I've read here, researched, or anything other than the PADI way. Yes, I too am addicted...

I would suggest you & the hub sit down & plan how this interest of yours can work. For your own personhood, do not give up scuba. Everyone should be able to explore their own interests, with the support of their spouse. That goes for the guys out there as well. Perhaps he needs to explore where his own interests are. Maybe this means another hobby has to go. Or you need to figure out a way to generate income to cover scuba expenses.

Yeah, money is going to be a problem. My experience is that money is always a problem. It is a matter of priorities & planning & saving & sacrificing something else.

Please don't give up. And remember YOU & YOUR interests are important. If you don't take care of yourself, including pursuing your interests, you can't be the best possible wife to your husband & mother to your child. Good luck!

 

[snuggle]

had to comment again on this topic..it was posted in another area as well..im getting a bit confused here..you said in this thread that you felt guilty that you spent the whole vacation doing what you wanted yet you loved it..(ocean and all)..then you said that hes supportive but yet in the same post you posted elsewhere on this board you said your trying to find a way to dive again yet here you have said that your husband is supportive of you continuing to dive?if he is supportive then you wouldnt have to find a way to dive..hes either for or against..and yes hes probably angry that you didnt spend the vacation with him and your 2 year old son..im wondering if the issues that your having may be not about him but with yourself trying to justify getting certified on what was supposed to be a family vacation..its great to dive and well want to dive every chance that we get but i believe that family always comes first and that the operable word here is we all have to compramise..take and GIVE.I always bring the better half with me..she hates the water but she still loves to come and help me inwhatever way she can and i love her to pieces..but i would have no trouble if i wanted to dive and she wanted to do something else..i would do whatever she wanted to do..thats called take and give..just my opinion..im not trying to slam anyone for what they want to do..

 

[Dee]

I missed both these threads earlier but I have merged them so maybe everyone can be on the same page.

Reminder to all....duplicate posts in more than one forum isn't needed or allowed. Just choose the one forum it most closely fits in. In it needs to be moved later, a Regulator can do that for you.

Dee
Regulator

 

[45thParallel]

Well I'm not married, and maybe that is a good thing or a bad thing (I still haven't decided yet) but I do have a long term gf, and I was diving long before I met her. She dosen't dive and have any desire to...but she knows that its my passion and hobbie...so she totally understands when I go out diving. If your hubby loves you as much, he should give you some time to here and there...after all dosent' he go out w/ the guys?

-45th

 

[divemistress]

what's the classic TV disclaimer? "don't try this at home...."

DiverBuoy once bubbled...
My wife is a non-diver....After years of "pressure" I finally convinced her to put her face in the water last month in St. Maarten. She sees what the thrill is all about, but still strongly affirms that she will *NEVER* dive.