I am having 'issues' with my spouse over wanting to continue scuba diving (long)

[salty]

I hear your pain


Im just married and prior to getting hitched I was diving twice a week every week all summer long. I have commitments that I think would be every divers dream that allow me to dive this offten if I want. I guess I told my wife once too often that I couldent make it to a faimly function or it would depend on my dive schedule because we eventuily had one hell of a blow out yelling match. In the end I relized I should give up a few diving days and I think she relized how much I live for diving. Like some others have mentioned I was able to get my wife in the water snorkling in the islands. after she got over the fear she started enjoying it. The best part is when she got scared of a school of small king fish I told her not to worry that what we had for dinner the night befor. Next she points and smiles at the next fish to come along now that she isent afraide any more and low and behold its a good size baracuda. My advice is to tone down on the excitment(I know it will be hard) and when the opertuinity presents its self try and get your husband involved in snorkling. Jr will be ready to learn to swim in a few more years right what a better famly activity than swiming just add mask snorkel and fins for more fun.

 

[Uncle Pug]

victoriawtx here is my take on it:

In this regard your marraige is the most important thing. Your child is a close second. Together those two should outweight diving by a very wide margin.

Make your husband your obsession... fall in not out of love with him.

And use your womanly virtues to get so far inside his head that he can't think about anything else for 5 minutes without thinking about you.

You'll get to dive when the time is right.

 

[daylight]

Victoriawtx,

Hi! My name's Larry and I'm a Diveaholic.
Welcome to the board and sorry to hear that you are having the "issues" that you're having. I've seen this same situation with another couple. They had a lot of other stuff going on beyond just diving. Their problems weren't resolved and she is now a single diver.
Fortunately, my wife thinks my diving is great since I gave up some really good vices so I could continue diving. I quite smoking, heavy drinking, and chasing wild women. She has completely supported my converting a bedroom into an alternative dive shop and she is a great beachmaster. She waves bye-bye to me when the boat pulls out and she welcomes me back when we pull into the dock. She doesn't dive and never will, but keeps the life insurance paid up and thinks I'm cute in my doubles.

TwoBitTexan and I go to the same DA (Diveaholic) meetings sometimes. We are only on step 4. We receive a lot of support here.

Good Luck and Dive Safe.
Larry

 

[AquaGuy]

My wife also does not like to dive. She snorkled on our honeymoon a few years ago in Maui, but has no interest in diving. After I got certified, it was very hard for her to see me "wasting" my weekends on diving. I work long hours doing the week and don't get much time to spend with her. What ended up happening was I now going shore diving early in the mornings (7:00 am or so) and am home by 10:30am. That leaves most of the day clear for spending time with her. She also likes the fact that I get excerise and she gets to spend some time alone. She enjoys socializing with my diving friends (dinners, happy hours etc) and also enjoys hearing about my dive stories and even buys me diving gifts for Christmas.

However, I know not to push her when it comes to diving. She has made it clear that she is not interested in diving and the more I push her, the more upset she gets. Sure, it would be nice if she did like to dive, but I think it's healthy that we get to spend some time apart.

In terms of "wasting" money on diving, I have a monthly diving budget that we both agree on that I stick to. Believe it or not, some months it only costs me less than $20.00 (Air fills) to support my diving hoby.

 

[Fetch]

First, some sort of budget. Since your husband is a financial advisor AND is the concerned party, enlist his help. Come up with a reasonable amount ($75/mo?) and try to stick with it. Start this as soon as feasible, so that you can roll a few months of money worth together when it comes time to get gear (because it is often times ridiculously expensive).

Second, when weather in this state actually PERMITS comfortable diving (think April), rent some gear and hit some local dive spots. If you don't find the local dives enjoyable, congratulations, you're most likely destined to be a vacation diver (and I'm not really kidding about the congrats, vacation diving must be fun - I'll have to try it some day). And, you can take the money you saved and plan to go on a dive excursion or two on your next vacation

If you enjoy the local diving, it'll be a sign that you are truly, disturbingly hooked. But by then it'll be close to summertime anyway, and you can spend a season like I did, getting piece by piece as you can afford it. If you're truly addicted, buy quality, but don't buy the highest-end. The highest tier of scuba gear is generally aimed at those with more money than sense.

So, figure as season piecing together gear, diving one or two weekends a month (there's another thing you'll need to arrange with your spouse. Does he like camping? ) you'll end the 2003 season with all the smaller gear (fins, snorkel, mask, weights) and maybe one or two larger items (reg, BC). Then you can save up over the off season, and finish up buying everything you need to dive on a regular basis.

Money usually sorts itself out, if you're careful. The bigger challenge will be juggling time with your family and your studies. I'll second UP, put your family first. Doing that and diving at the same time can be challenging, but its not impossible.

Regardless, I wouldn't get gear right away at any rate The gear you'd need to dive locally right now, you probably can't afford. And the diving would pretty much suck, anyway. You have plenty of time to get your way

jeff

 

[ElectricZombie]

victoriawtx:

I certainly would not give up on diving if it is that important to you. I would even get a 2nd or 3rd job if I had to.

SCUBA equiptment is expensive, especially the more you get into it. When I started diving, I could not afford to get everything at once. I had to space out my purchases over the coarse of several months. Buy mask, fins and snorkel one month, the next month, get a wetsuit, etc. Just space everything out so that you'll have a complete set of gear after a while.

Make sure you don't buy junk dive gear. Get the good stuff the first time so you don't have to replace it all later.

You get what you pay for.

Good luck.

 

[ghosty_old]

A very important person in my live once gave me some advice that i think you should maybe try. They said that one must walk in another persons shoes before they can truly see where they are comming from. Meaning that you should try to clearly see it from your husbands point of view as well. Is he just being dumb, maybe, or is he jealous. Jealous of the fact that you now have this new and exciting thing going on in your life, and you are focusing all your energy towards it. Where does that leave him. Not sure, you have to answer that question. Maybe you should be happy that he is jelous. At least you know that he gives a sh>t and that he would rather you spend time with him and the kids. Especially during your vacation, which you yourself said was supposed to be time for you both to spend together. You should have found something that you both could have enjoyed together. I think Unle Pug said it best earlier in this thread, except that i would put both your marriage and your child in a tie for number one. There will always be time for diving. Take care of the things in life that mean the most to you. But don't do these things because someone told you to, or because you feal guilty. Find a way to do them because you want to. This is the only way it will work.

Enjoy Life, but not at the expence of someone you love

 

[PnL]

I think you will continue to get great advice and sympathy on this board as most people have to deal with their new found passion. But Uncle Pug is right - your marriage and family must always come first. Diving is just a sport, your husband and child are your future.

Having said that, my wife thinks I get too obsessed over my hobbies. We got certified together this past September and I've been diving as often as I can while my wife was at home studying (graduate school) - I think she was a bit resentful because I was diving so much and she felt that I was getting more experienced then her. I couldn't figure out why that would bother her, but she explained that she wanted us to learn together, at the same rate. While this isn't always possible, as learning curves are highly individual, I finally understood her point. She felt that she was being left out. And the fact that I was so enthusiastic about something - something she can't participate often right now - made her resentful. I think your husband's reaction is normal. Your great excitement for diving excludes him and your son - it is something that you do alone. I think the advice given here is perfect - get him involved and let him see why you are so passionate about diving. Luckily for me, my wife also shares my enthusiasm for diving so I didn't need to explain

As far as ear problems. I have had some ear problems (not diving related) in the past so I went to an ENT and he checked me out and gave me the okay. If your husband can dive to the bottom of a pool without equalization problems, most likely he will be okay SCUBA diving. I'm sure you can use your charms in getting him to try

Best of luck!
Paul

 

[snuggle]

i couldnt help but to reply and hope that im not being too harsh here..but first of all uncle pug hits the nail right on the head when he says that your family should come first before anything else...you mentioned how dare he keep you from your dreams..seems to me like A)you got certified which is what you wanted although you did it at a time when you really should have been spending the time with your family and B)scuba will always be there but if you neglect your family in being obsesssive with scuba then you may end up not having a family at all..dont get me wrong.. i myself get out as often as i can but not at the expensive of my family being upset with me..i guess it all comes down to priorities but thats something that only you can decide on ..like pug said family should always be first..i have seen too many families destroyed because of ones wants..over anothers needs..Good luck..

 

[Goeduck]

victoriawtx:

I have somewhat the same problem as you and a few other people here on the board. My wife doesn't dive and has no interest in learning.

I was originally certified long before I got married, but never dove after the classes for one reason or another. I recently got recertified with a friend who became very interested in learning. You see, our family, along with a large group of friends goes to a large lake in our state every year in August. It was during one of those vacations where my friend became interested. We spend every day for two weeks on the water with fun on top of the water, ie: waterskiing, tubing, wakeboarding and more recently snorkeling. My wife loves getting in the water, but only up to her neck. My friends wife is the same way. However, this coming year, I hope to help my wife see what I see by helping her overcome her fears a little bit. I hope to get a mask and a snorkel on her on the beach and just have her bend her head down to look through the mask and breath through the snorkel while standing in the water. Then, maybe, when my friend and I go diving, she can come along and watch us from the surface and see how much fun we are having. Vis is great over there.

As for the financial part of it, we are in the same boat as you, not enough money. However, I made a deal with my wife that I would start signing up to work overtime on Saturday's to pay for the class and other gear that I have bought for my new hobby. Once the gear is paid for, I will continue to work some Saturday's to help me finish buying my gear, so I don't have to rent all the time. She was agreeable to that, since I would be working to pay for my gear. The only problem is that I am not able to work as many Sat. as I wish, so it is taking longer then I would like. But, it will eventually get paid for. And I am the one working to pay for it, it is not coming out of the "household budget", whatever that is.