I am having 'issues' with my spouse over wanting to continue scuba diving (long)

[ladycute1]

Writing from Maui ---
I've been diving (I'd have to check my dive log for how many dives I've done in the past week...

My hubby is with me -- he is certified....but he is here to Paraglide -- he's done a couple of tnaks with me, but much prefers to spend his time up on the slopes soaring.


The biggest challenge is coordinating transportation with one car -- but, he drops me at the beach, boat ramp or dive shop and goes off to the slopes. We reconnect via cell phone and he picks me up. Then we're off to afternoon activities, movies, shopping, dinner, etc -- and we discuss our respective days.


When wee're not traveling together, I spend a alot more time on dive trips than he does --- he spends a lot more time flying than I do. We both support each others' dreams!

It works great!

Liz

 

[cougar]

I am married to the best man in the world. He hates water, won't even consider snorkeling. Doesn't want anything to do with horses except from the ground, doesn't share my interest in gardening, nature or any of a million other things I love to do.

He does, however, love me a lot. That means he cheerfully takes me to places where I can dive and he can wander around, he puts up with all of my strange passions with an attitude of tolerant amusement. Your mate doesn't have to have the same interest if he loves you enough to allow you to have your passions. I just don't feel guilty about being me and he is secure enough to allow me my oddities. It's the attitude that makes it work. I told him about this post and his comment was, "There's a We but there's also an I and an I."ut:

 

[Amanda]

cougar once bubbled...
"There's a We but there's also an I and an I."ut:

at last, a sensible remark about this topic .

 

[victoriawtx]

When I got certified, my husband did not. Primarily out of the fear of ear pain. I got certified on a recent vacation, and it was something I hadn't planned on doing when we were organizing our trip. Even though he said he didn't mind that I spent most of my time in the pool and studying, I know that he was resentful since our trip was supposed to be time for us to spend together. (We have a two year old son). So this whole mess is partly out of bad planning and my fault. I don't think that it was necessarily the diving, just the fact that I was not around very much during our mutual vacation. I really wanted him to learn too, but he was a bit afraid like I said so I did it alone.

Since returning from our trip I have read books on scuba, found this board, talked about it endlessly, and dreamed about it. I even have trouble sleeping since I dream about it so much. I am even trying to find away that I can do it again or have it be part of my career. (Yeah, I know, dreaming again!).

Last night, while talking about it again for the umpteenth time, he said, (I can't remember his exact words) but it was something like stop obsessing about scuba diving, we have no money, it is expensive, you just started this, you've only done it once (not true, actually 5 times). And he pretty much has totally rained on my parade. I guess I am frustrating him by talking about how much I like it so much (I think he's freaking about money). He says that we don't make enough money for me to do this. That is true, I am a graduate student and I get a measly scholarship, and he has a good job, but we don't have a lot of disposable income after paying rent, daycare, car payments, etc. ;-0

He then was saying something like, it's nice that you did it, and you will always have your certification, blah blah blah. I was looking yesterday into getting fins and a mask and snorkel, no big deal. I wanted to go to Oshman's to look and see what they had. Then he gives me this look, (like come back to reality) and this all starts. I am sad (almost want to cry) and mad (how dare he keep me from my dreams) state of mind right now. I have been not very nice to him since then, but I am not talking about scuba diving, heaven forbid. ;-0

He is a financial analyst so I know that most of this is coming from him out of the money issue. But I am also not some woman that goes out and buys 10 pairs of new shoes. I am thrify but I do believe in enjoying life while you live it.

Maybe I am obsessing about this too much? Divorce? LOL Is it typical of new divers to obsess about it all the time? I wanted to join a local dive club, but now I am worried about even doing that. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? He is a great husband (this is the first time in 13 years together that I've seen him this way, we usually get along really really well) and I do see his point, but he has never dived and he doesn't understand how wonderful it is. (Now I sound like I am doing drugs!!! LOL)

So am I the one out of line, or is it him? I am just confused by this whole situation with him. Thanks everyone. Sorry this is so long, I just didn't know who to talk to about this that might understand.
;-0

 

[joens]

It is hard for a non diver to understand what about diving is so wonderful. However everyone needs some sort of activity/hobby/dream to get through life . working just to pay the bills leads to an unhappy life real fast . As money seems to be an issue set a budget together how much money you can spend on scuba . and find ways to go diving and not spend much money .
chris joens

 

[TwoBitTxn]

Hi my name is TwoBit and I'm a diveaholic. I got into my Divemaster cert last year and I was diving or obsessing about diving almost every weekend last summer. I have a 3yo daughter. My wife dives, but she isn't as passionate about it. She sounds like your hubby.

Welcome to the boards and diving. Once again for some people it becomes an addiction.

Don't buy cheap gear at Oshmans. You will waste your $$ and need to do it again in a year or so. Buy quality gear one peice at a time.

Join the Texas Swamp diving Team. (See our little section of Scubabaord) Join us at Travis in Austin when you can. Bring hubby and kiddo.

Broke grad school student... hmmmm that sounds familiar. (me too)

Be patient

With yourself, hubby, school. etc...

AIDS aka Aquatic Induced Divorce Syndrome. Try not to go there.

Try to talk to him honestly. He may be a little scared of your new hobby and not being included. This could work to draw him into the hobby. There is also a thread around here about non-diving spouses. Read that.

Best wishes to you.

TwoBit

 

[melfox26]

Has your husband tried snorkeling? On a recent dive I did, my wife went snorkeling while I dove with the divemaster down below. The vis was great and she saw lots of fish, she too has fears of being underwater and will not ever get certified. The experience showed her though that diving is more than just an expensive hobby of mine. Good luck.

Mel

 

[DiverBuoy]

After years of "pressure" I finally convinced her to put her face in the water last month in St. Maarten. She sees what the thrill is all about, but still strongly affirms that she will *NEVER* dive. My wife jokes about scuba's impact on our marriage (I'm just glad it's still at the joking stage). She once bought me that bumper sticker that says "My wife says if I go scuba diving one more time she'll leave me, I'm sure going to miss her." We really are very close, and marriage in general is about compromise. A very wise long-married friend of mine once told me "marriage is made up of two good forgivers".

Have you had that serious chat with your husband where you really explain from your heart what is really behind your passion, why it is here to stay and not just a passing fad. Remembering to seek compromise. My wife and I have had many discussions about this, in the beginning they were more heated, but after a time the emotion was more measured and a much more meaningful exchange of information started to take place. See my recent post on our December cruise, I think it shows where she and I are regarding mutual respect.

Report from December BVI Cruise

 

[norcaldiver]

I know where you're comming from, kind of. My wife doesn't dive. We started class together, but she got swimmer's ear/ ear infection in the pool sessions. I finished, she didn't. I have gone on to get my DM and am saving for Instructor. She says that she wants to get certified, but has too much other stuff going on. She does, she works, goes to school and interns for a private group. One day maybe.

Anyway, here's what I did. I went down to the local dive shop and begged for a job, got it, opened a separate bank account to put my paychecks in and use only that money for my gear. Luckily the owner is very cool and works a trade with the instructors for AOW, and rescue. Going thru DM, he supervised with the understanding that I would work it off DMing for the whatever instr. needed me on my off weekends. I've had a blast, have been able to take the best ideas, methods from each instr. and even better, get a pretty good discount on my gear. I have all my gear, including a drysuit and am now working on my second set, or the wife's set, whichever way you look at it...not too shabby for 2 weekends a month for the last year.

Maybe that's something you could look into. You get to play with the new gear, make a little money to buy your stuff and TALK SCUBA ALL DAY.

 

[redacted]

victoriawtx once bubbled...
I got certified on a recent vacation, and it was something I hadn't planned on doing when we were organizing our trip. Even though he said he didn't mind that I spent most of my time in the pool and studying, I know that he was resentful since our trip was supposed to be time for us to spend together. (We have a two year old son). So this whole mess is partly out of bad planning and my fault. I don't think that it was necessarily the diving, just the fact that I was not around very much during our mutual vacation.
;-0

How about trying it again but with better planning? I would suggest Cancun (or Cozumel). You could dive most mornings and join him back at the hotel for ... the rest of the day. Set at least on day aside to enjoy a snorkleing trip - more if he enjoys it. Even if he doesn't catch the bug, there should be plenty of fun in that type vacation for both of you. With careful shopping you should be looking at not much over $2k for a week all inclusive when rates drop in April.