How to spot a "bad buddy" - have you ever refused a buddy?

[Hoag]

In many cases, finding a good buddy often means being a good buddy. (OK, I know it's a cliche, but there is truth in it.)

So, what exactly do I mean by that? IMHO (and that's all this is, my opinion), communication is everything. Start by being (brutally) honest both with yourself and with your new insta-buddy as soon as you can. Communication before you jump in is a lot easier than after you are at depth. Talk with your new buddy and genuinely listen to their replies. Make sure that they know what your experience is (Both long term and short term if necessary: "I have just over 400 dives, but I have not dove since _____ so expect me to be a little hard on air and maybe a little rusty on the first dive until I get comfortable again.") Review hand signals with them. Surprisingly, there are several variations on hand signals so if you discuss what you use for the basics, then you won't be wondering what they are trying to say when you see something you aren't expecting. Talk about what you are hoping to see, do or accomplish on this dive, or day or trip or for however long you will be paired up. Keep in mind, that these goals might change over time. Listen to your insta-buddy when they give you their info. Communication is a two way street.

After your dive, "debrief" the dive. Talk to your insta-buddy again and ask "How did you see the dive? Is there something that I did that you didn't like or weren't expecting and what can we do so that we correct it for the next dive?" (On the next dive, remember those points and try to adjust.) If you have a buddy who bolts and leaves you behind, explain to them why that is not appropriate. If you happen to get a buddy who is a "real challenge", then try to find that sweet spot between being brutally honest with them while not being antagonistic. (You don't want to become "that guy".)

Never underestimate the value of effective communication. I was on a live aboard recently, and our group had an odd number of divers and there was a diver who was traveling as a single. I wound up as their insta-buddy. By the 2nd day, it was as if we had been diving together for years. I always knew exactly where to look to find them (slightly above and behind me and offset a little to either the left or right side). We became such an effective team (I think) because we talked both before and after the first few dives and it wasn't long before we really became good buddies for each other.

Edited to add: Oh, and BTW, I almost always dive with a camera.

 

[Schwob]

I get this and agree. At the same time, dive operators often frown on divers putting together their gear even when the diver owns the gear. It's easy to get out of practice when you never do it. So I'd like advice (as a new diver) on how to deal with this.

Telling the DM or dive operator off in a friendly way, but with certainty is, in my opinion, a line to be crossed for those who want resposibility for their gear and in a way for their dive. Maybe saying something like: "Thank you for the kind offer, but I am putting my gear together myself" would clarify your intentions. If need be, if the helpful person is already hands on trying to set up your gear, you may have to ask him / her to stop and then state that you will tend to your gear.
Then of course you have to do it.
If you want to go that route, but are unsure yet and initially would prefer a check... or the option of help, just ask for that help specifically. Maybe : I will to put it together myself to get better and more proficient at it, but if I end up having a question or need a stronger hand, I hope you don't mind I ask.

The DMs or dive ops are not to blame for putting gear together. They probably saw their share of "isdues" and their interest is in safety (gear put together correctly and completely) and efficiency.
Some customers need the help, some prefer it. Dome should.
Imho. taking charge of your gear set-up yourself, even if you are already very proficient at it, is important in order to know what you got (working set-up or an issue or maybe noting a hose to replace soon...) and to ward off complacency. The latter is much harder to do when constantly "being served".

On the other hand, I have a friend who enjoys to be served, does not want the responsibility and only dives next to a DM thinking he/she is responsible for her safety. I think her thinking is flawed and am quite worried what her stance in this might lead to. I've talked to her about it. I may disagree, but It's how she rolls. Due to her insisting on that I prefer she dive with the DM and told her that I will not dive with her until she choses to primarily be responsible for her safety and see the buddy as just that (and not as her personal DM) and in turn changes her mindset to also actually be able to fulfill a buddy role herself. I am trying to tell my wife (her friend too) to not go diving with her until she is willing to change that. Tricky business.
Why am I writing this last part?
Just to express that I like you asking. I think you are going about it the right way. If my answer is off the mark for you, someone else will hit it better.

 

[Diver0001]

I get this and agree. At the same time, dive operators often frown on divers putting together their gear even when the diver owns the gear. It's easy to get out of practice when you never do it. So I'd like advice (as a new diver) on how to deal with this.

To be perfectly honest I've never had an operator that insisted on putting my gear together for me. I could imagine an operator wanting to control this for safety reasons but I can also appreciate that a lot of divers find it strange and/or unwanted.

In your case you want the practice so I would just say that straight up. There are two ways of looking at it. Either they put it together and you check it or you put it together and they check it. If you want the practice then just say so and I'm sure most operators will be happy to accommodate your needs.

The odd one that won't.... well... they don't need to be on your short list next time, do they?

That said.... if I were really going the 5 star route and an operator were willing to do all of the routine stuff for me I would probably really start digging that. I take diving vacations to unplug and unwind and if someone is willing to help in that regard then sign me up! I would still check if they did it right (as should any diver) but humping gear and putting it together and taking it apart isn't really the reason why I'm on vacation most of the time.

R..

 

[KatieMac]

...humping gear

Who said anything about humping gear

 

[Diver0001]

Ooohhh... Katie played the double entendre card. I knew someone would do it as soon as I clicked on "post", but you never know who it's going to be

R..

 

[Diver0001]

.... and in actual fact, nobody knows how much I love my gear

R..

 

[AdivingBel]

I get this and agree. At the same time, dive operators often frown on divers putting together their gear even when the diver owns the gear. It's easy to get out of practice when you never do it. So I'd like advice (as a new diver) on how to deal with this.

I haven't come across a dive op that insists on setting up gear (but I haven't dived as widely as NWG ). I do dive at times with valet ops that offer gear drop off the night before and have it setup & ready to go on the boat the next day. They also tend to switch tanks between dives. I see it more as a service to me as well as streamlining the boat processes. I have seen divers calmly request to take care of their own gear and they've been met with little to no resistance as long as they do so efficiently and don't gum up the operation of the boat. I've also seen divers make a production out of "telling" the crew not to touch their gear, and getting back to the premise of the thread, they tend to be divers I avoid. To me good divers to buddy with are kind, respectful (not complacent, it's easy to calmly work with others and in this case crew and to check your setup as necessary), NO DRAMA, divers. There is a time, place, and method to getting your point across without harshing everybody else's groove. We're all here to enjoy the outing.

 

[nolatom]

You've gotten lots of good advice. What little can I add?

I have dived with instabuddies mostly, and generally sing their praises. And the few bad ones have at least helped teach me what not to do, and when to not follow a runaway buddy if you don't have enough air to do it safely.

Get to the boat early, tell the Captain or DM you will need a buddy. They are typically good at this, and even better if they have more time than "none" to find and suggest someone.

Ask "insta" how he (she) signals air remaining, and at what psi. Doesn't matter exactly how, but if you get a blank stare, it's a bad sign. Ditto on basic hand signals, including "low on air", which is a wonderful signal because it comes *before* "out of air", so you have more time and options.

Make actual conversation on the boat ride, even about things other than diving. What are their other hobbies--which may indicate their temperament and approach to risk, and maybe attentiveness and empathy--mountain climbing? aviation? knitting? volunteer work? I teach sailing part-time, and hobbies and vocations let me know if the weather might be too much for a given group, or might instead be challenging fun.

My only "bad" buddies were the elusive "runaways", who didn't much care what I was doing and didn't want to compare air-remaining, or stay within the depth limits the boat set for us.
Yet I learned a lot from those few bad ones. Better, though, if those lessons come after you have a few dives under your belt than at the beginning.

If you're new, you'd like a buddy who is user-friendly, and with at least a little more experience than you. How to increase your odds of this?? Start out with lots of "not real special" dives, where it'll be a fairly routine dive for a veteran diver. That diver will be more willing to buddy with a newcomer on an "ordinary" dive than a challenging or unique one.

 

[Storker]

Anyone with a camera they are the worst......ask me how I know........I always dive with a camera I am a terrible buddy.

That's a pretty broad brush you're using there.

 

[kelemvor]

I've taken my OW and AOW almost back to back (just a few vacation dives in between) just because I wanted extra practice. I consider myself just Open Water certified, I just wanted some extra practice.

But this means I've done 75% of my dives with an instructor. Someone whose main focus was me.

That's not the case with most vacation dives. There's a DM who has an entire group to worry about. My assigned buddy could be anyone.

Is there anything that's not a "no brainer" that should I look for when I'm on the boat to spot a potentially careless/stupid/dangerous buddy? What about while on our first dive?

And has anyone ever had an experience where you've told the DM or whatever "I'm not diving with that person again, period" and looked for a new buddy?

Make sure you're capable of handling yourself and have a thick skin and you'll do fine.

1. Make sure you aren't relying on your buddy in order to have a good dive. Do you know how/when to get back to the boat safely?
2. If you happen to get someone who's awful or you just plain don't like, don't make a stink about it. Roll with the punches, and enjoy your dive anyway. If it's so bad on dive 1 of 2 that you need someone new, find a way to be tactful. If you come up telling the bad buddy that he sucks then his natural reaction is probably going to be anger and that won't make anybody's second dive more fun.

Talking to your instabuddy on the boat before the dive goes a long way. I used a slightly different regulator setup right after I got through OW (octo on necklace) so it was a nice conversation starter. It went something like "I've got a somewhat unusual regulator setup, if you are OOA and need air from me then just grab the regulator right out of my mouth - I'll use the one attached to my neck." Also, if you are "bad" on air consumption then be up front about it. If you're going to get only 30 minutes out of your tank on the dive but your buddy is expecting to get 90 the you should discuss the situation. He might want to come up with you, or you might agree to split up when it's time for you to head up and do your safety stop. Maybe you guys decide you aren't a well matched pair and ask the boat people to switch up the buddy pairs. As long as you discussed the situation and came to an agreement it should not be a problem.

One of the hardest things to do is to do what's right for you if the buddy is screwing up badly. I once had a buddy just take off down the side of a reef far deeper than we should have gone. He was hauling butt, too.. I almost couldn't catch him. If he had been going even slightly faster I would have had to abandon him or something. Luckily it didn't come to that, but when something weird happens and your buddy is making bad decisions you have to remember to keep yourself safe.

Beyond that, as others have said, try not to be the one that others are complaining about.

Here's a pet peeve of mine. Don't wait until you get to the dive site to setup and put on your gear. Setup everything you can before you even leave the dock. If it's a boat ride longer than 10 minutes, ask the boat people to give you a 10 minute warning. When they do, put your gear on. As a new diver, it's normal for you to need a little more time to get setup. A little planning can give you the extra time you need without causing the other divers to wait on you.

I've never refused a buddy, as far as I know nobody has ever refused to buddy with me.

I get this and agree. At the same time, dive operators often frown on divers putting together their gear even when the diver owns the gear. It's easy to get out of practice when you never do it. So I'd like advice (as a new diver) on how to deal with this.

I've never seen the boat people setup someone's gear for them. If you've actually seen that, then maybe it's an oddity specific to a particular operator or location. I have seen boat people help when divers obviously are having difficulty or if the diver just asks for help. That said, I'm still newish as I've only been diving for 5 years now and have only a few hundred logged dives. Maybe the areas I've dived (Florida, USA / Cozumel, MX / Roatan, HN) are the exception rather than the rule.