How to handle non diving husband who is being difficult....

[redacted]

I used to fish with him all the time. Then I had an injury to my right hand that prohibits me from holding a fishing rod for more than an hour before I am in excruciating pain. He fishes all day, from his boat. Not much point in taking the boat out for an hour since its a drive to get anywhere.

I do tell him about the fish I see!!!

I assume we are talking Bass. I used to fish tournaments and when carpel tunnel hit my casting wrist, I switched to the other hand. It is actually better since you don't waste times switching the rod to the other hand after casting, the bait spends more time in the water.

 

[drbill]

Tell him his fishing will destroy your relationship. What is he thinking?

 

[ladyfishdvr]

This isn't about diving. It is about you re establishing yourself as an independent individual and the growing pains your relationship will go through as the new dynamic tries to stabilize.

I work from home on a computer so became a self inflicted hermit and I guess that I am now finding the dynamic I have been living is not the one I want to keep living. Growing pains. So I guess I am making him feel insecure by growing. He needs to adapt so I guess I should give him time to do that instead of expecting it immediately.

I'm not going to stop diving.

 

[Wookie]

I work from home on a computer so became a self inflicted hermit and I guess that I am now finding the dynamic I have been living is not the one I want to keep living. Growing pains. So I guess I am making him feel insecure by growing. He needs to adapt so I guess I should give him time to do that instead of expecting it immediately.

I'm not going to stop diving.

22 years you've been in a relationship with the guy. I know you know how to press his buttons, but you know better than anyone how not to too. This can be done in a non-confrontational way. Remember this about guys: We want to help. You present a problem, we want to fix it. It doesn't matter that you just want us to listen, we aren't wired to just listen, we want to fix whatever ails you, and we want to do it now. He wants nothing more than your happiness, as well as to remain in his comfort zone, so work with that for right now. If you approach him with a problem, make sure it isn't his problem too. "Honey, I am not feeling fulfilled" isn't a good way to start, because we take these problems on as if they are our own, and his first thought is "I'm not making her happy", because all of us new age rednecks think we are responsible for your happiness, too. Also, comparing the cost of the boat to the cost of a BC is sure to send him right over the edge.

Maybe "I'm unhappy with the way I don't get any outdoor activity, I thought I'd give Scuba a try, after all, it's done from a boat, so we can do it together"? Or something to that effect?

 

[ladyfishdvr]

So "Honey I want you to be ok with me going scuba diving because its something I really like to do and I love how you are so supportive of me ..."

and not " That one box of tackle you have could pay for all my scuba gear for several years plus some and the lures are not life supporting......"

Yes I understand how to play nice....

 

[TSandM]

Is it possible that he is worried about scuba being a buddy sport, and predominately male? I have at least one friend whose wife won't let him dive with a female dive buddy, unless there is a third person present. Maybe he's worried that you are going to be going out and spending a bunch of time with other men, when he isn't going to be there?

It does sound as though there are some underlying dynamics regarding change, independence, and money . . . Hard issues when you have been married for a long time.

 

[Hawkwood]

Or..."this gives me something to do during the time you are fishing"....

 

[RayKay]

This goes way beyond a diving issue. It sounds like you have dynamics and issues here that need addressing that go beyond what a mere few words of advice can provide. I agree with those that said the thing to do, if you want to stay in this relationship, is to focus on those underlying issues with a qualified counselor.

I too sense control issues, born out of a fear that you are expressing your own independence. My perspective is that in healthy relationships, there is room, and encouragement, for you both to be the best people you each can be and to have the freedom to explore your identity as individuals. This can be an incredibly freeing and fulfilling experience. It may be that your husband is having a hard time with this.

 

[Wingy]

I opted for a diving induced split rather than put up with constant drama from a partner who wanted to dive but did not have the time available or finances to travel and dive - I just got to the stage where I couldnt be bothered with the melodramatics of OMG your doing it again leaving me..no, im going diving, that is all, in sulawesi, i will be back next week.

I also do think he didnt like the male divers seeing me in a bikini which is kinda of ridiculous considering im 46 years old...im not there for anything but the fish.

I hope you work it out. I chose to cut my loses and go diving.

 

[Wookie]

I opted for a diving induced split rather than put up with constant drama from a partner who wanted to dive but did not have the time available or finances to travel and dive - I just got to the stage where I couldnt be bothered with the melodramatics of OMG your doing it again leaving me..no, im going diving, that is all, in sulawesi, i will be back next week.

I also do think he didnt like the male divers seeing me in a bikini which is kinda of ridiculous considering im 46 years old...im not there for anything but the fish.

I hope you work it out. I chose to cut my loses and go diving.

It may be a little different if you have 22 years invested in a relationship rather than having a "partner". To me, a partner is about loving the one you're with, to paraphrase CSNY.

My wife will be 46 next week. I still look at her lustfully in her bikini, which she works in. It's a good life....

What are horizontal bubbles? High current drift diving? That's my kind of girl...