Death of my Son, I need some help

[Storker]

Hang in there.

Rant if that helps. Pray if that helps.

I don't know what to say or do to help. I'm just a random dude on a message board.

 

[chillyinCanada]

Are you spending time with your other kids? Do cherish that time!

Living your best life would be what your son would want for his family, isn't it? For everyone to be happy, enjoying each other and their individual pursuits?

10 months isn't enough of a time buffer.

 

[RayfromTX]

It gets you when you get to a place where the stress levels start to lower. Your defenses start to relax a bit and then wham, the waterworks start coming. I lost my friend Cameron in March and a week ago broke down in front of one of my men. I'm glad I can connect with my feelings. If I couldn't, I should really worry. If I don't hurt, I'm dead. All I can do to fix it is try to bring joy and peace to the lives of others. That's what Cameron would do and it's how he lives on. I'm just not nearly as good at it as he was. Typing this hurts like hell. Peace to you sir. I'm glad you are alive.

 

[admikar]

It sounds dumb

No, it does not sound dumb.

 

[lionfish-eater]

Like Ray and a few others, I was also very close to Cameron.
Given our age difference, most people assumed we were father and son. We went along with it and became close as family. I spent the last two winters in Coz and spent more time with Cam and Bonnie than my own son.
It has only been a few months since he is gone and I feel his absence everyday.
I have lost both parents, grandparents, all aunts and uncles, two sisters, and many friends over the years. The pain never completely goes away, but I owe it to all those I've lost to try and enjoy what time I have left and keep their memories alive.

Last week, at 2 am, while sleeping with my girlfriend, I awoke in tears and trembleing after a dream about Cam. I don't want to dump my sadness on anyone else and there is nothing that anyone can say to change the events of the past. Fortunately, she just hugged me and we fell back to sleep.
My point is that emotions and feelings of loss are uncontrollable and can come out anywhere and anytime. And if we are having intense pain it is only because of the intense joy we can no longer have with that loved one.
I miss my family and I miss my friends, but I am grateful that I am still alive to feel the pain.

Like Cam said "Carpe Diem".

 

[Sweetangel]

We’re coming on up on 10 months if my math is correct. I’ll admit, I’ve always sucked at math.

I’ve read these pages of your posts and appreciate all the kind words. I guess I was pretty naive to think that life would be easier this far in. But just a few minutes ago I spent the morning crying in the middle of a bunch of strangers.

Any clue how ridiculous it looks to burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant because something reminded you of the kid you lost? I tried to make a joke of it. The waitress came over and asked if I was okay, and I responded in jest with, “this food is just so terrible”. Then I laughed, she looked at me in horror. I explained what was going on and tipped her 40% for having to put up with me.

It friggin sucks. I’m less angry now. I started praying again. But I’m pretty dysfunctional and living a life of instant gratification. Which doesn’t do crap to fix any of this. I have days where I’m incredibly sad, angry, or manic. Some days are all of the above.

And life is friggin weird. I knew that if I didn’t do something, I’d wither away in bed. So, I put us in the greatest financial jeapardy of my life and started an aggressive business with huge wins if it was successful. My idea was, that if I didn’t get out of bed, I’d die there, so let’s force me out of bed. If I didn’t get up, we’d lose everything; houses, cars, credit, every earthly possession.

The friggin business was profitable in the first 30 days. It’ll practically run on auto pilot. It’s literally the greatest opportunity I’ve ever been given. I type this from my hotel room in Bonaire, where I’ve spent the week making technical dives with some of the greatest technical divers in the world. I had to do something to occupy my mind.

But, then a post reminded me of my kid. I miss him so much.

I guess one of things that makes me so angry is that I can’t do anything to fix this. I’ve screwed up collosally in my life. I’ve lost jobs, houses, businesses, my spouse, my family, my dignity, my reputation, etc, etc. etc. And in every single instance, I always knew a path to fix it. Every single time I had a way to resolve whatever chaos I had put myself in. And it worked, every single time. I’m pretty successful today by most people’s standards. I have great friends, a great job, great credit, great kids, a fantastic wife of 24 years. Because, No matter how bad I screwed up, I could fix it.

I can’t fix this. There’s no way to get him back. And there’s no way to stop the pain. For a guy who has spent his life with an immeasurable amount of hope and faith, it is devastating to lose both hope and faith in an instant. No amount of hope will ever get Brian back. No amount of faith would convince me that I couldn’t lose another child in a blink of an eye. And that’s crippling.

I know this has been a scattered post and hard to follow. I apologize. But I do appreciate you guys. It sounds dumb, but I love you guys who have lost a child and are still moving forward. It shows me that it is possible for me to do the same.

Not scattered at all. I remember the first time I saw my husband burst into tears in a restaurant. so.. much... pain. It comes in waves. walking along the edge and whoosh, you get dragged in the sand and dragged for a bit, hard to catch your breath, hard to stand up and keep walking . but we do it. i wore sunglasses for a long time. And sometimes true joy can still be found, First in glimpses, then more, For me.. there is still a pervasive feeling of loss. It is still a part of my daily life. I've started to accept it and you are right, there is no fixing it. I work hard at trying to prevent it from happening to others. And thank you for the love, I'll take it!

 

[Shasta_man]

We followed you fine SuperLyte.

Like I said, time is the most precious thing because you can't fix it and you can't go back. Memory is a great and terrible thing.

 

[Tana Ann]

I don’t know where to start, but I’ll jump right in. I lost my 16 year old son a week before Christmas and I’m not handling it well. My wife says that I need to talk to someone about it. But I hate everyone. I especially hate the people tell me stupid cliches like “God needed another angel in heaven”, or some stupid crap like that. I’m not looking for people to pity me, or tell me “we’re so sorry for your loss”. Thank you. But what I really want is for people who have been through this with a child specifically to tell me how the hell you got through it. Because frankly, I’m not sure I can.

My son was pretty awesome. He was pretty sarcastic and always threw in a, “that’s what she said” at the most inappropriate time, but he never got into any trouble. He was generous and thoughtful. He wouldn’t tolerate bullies. He was a hard worker and saved his money. He was reliable and dependable. He had no problem saying, “I love you” or giving me a hug, even in a crowd of his friends. Honestly, he had the best traits of me, and none of the crap I had as a teen or adult.

It’s pretty terrible to lose someone that you have such a great relationship with. We shared so many hobbies together and so many hours together every day. Our day would close every night with him walking in the back door after work telling me how his day went. We’d watch a little bit of TV before I’d say, “Brian, I gotta crash, can you lock up?” It was just our few minutes together every night. I still sit on that couch at 10:30 when he’d normally walk in.

My wife and I were going into Orlando to grab cell phones for Christmas when we came upon the road closed by FHP. It was barricaded off and we couldn’t see why the road was closed. It would be an hour later before FHP notified us that our son was killed in that accident.

You know, I don’t have the normal regrets I hear, like a fight that lasted months, or constant battles over drugs, alcohol, school, whatever. But I do regret that I didn’t spend more time with him instead of working so much. I do regret that I never spoke to him the day he died. I typically didn’t wake him before I went to work. We’d spend time together at night, not in the morning. I do regret buying him the bike that he was killed on, even though everyone keeps telling me, “that bike made him the happiest he’s ever been”. FU, it also made him the deadest he’s ever been when a car didn’t see him and turned in front of him.

I feel like an idiot for buying that bike. Of course my wife tells me if it wasn’t the bike, it would have been something else. It was just his time to go. That’s another FU. Everyone keeps telling me to trust in God. I’m so mad at God. Which is an issue, because I’m a deacon and associate pastor at a church I’ve been a member of for a long time. I want nothing to do with God and at this point don’t even know if I could be considered a Christian.

I don’t know how to keep going. For the first 3 weeks, I blew through a small fortune in an attempt to stay busy and not think about the devastation. But no matter how much money I spent, or what state my pillow was in, every night was still filled with loss and tears.

I’m supposed to talk to someone. I’m not sure it’s fair for my friends and family to have to put up with me for them level of anger and toxicity I have. So, I reach out to you...

Have any of you been through this? Are you willing to talk about it either here or in PM? How did you get through it? I’ve lost parents, best friends, siblings and mentors. This is 100x worse than I could imagine, and I wouldn’t wish it on the worst person. How did you survive?

I ask here, and not on some random grieving forum, because over the last decade I’ve come to know you guys somewhat. You’re not a complete stranger and we have a some history through these threads.

 

[buddhasummer]

I got nothing, devastating is the only thing that comes to mind. I have no idea how anyone survives the loss of a child, the thought of it brings me to tears. I keep following this thread, hoping something changes, but what? Or how? I have no idea. It's the biggest loss I can imagine, it's just f...king awful. My heart goes out to you, it really does. Words seem so meaningless.

 

[TulsaTime]

Having never had to walk the path you're on @Superlyte27, I have nothing to offer except my truly sincere condolences, as worthless and meaningless as that sounds.

Let me give you some advice, please.

Time with her is more valuable than any income, toy, house, car, etc. It took this event to learn that, as I spent all of my adult life chasing the almighty dollar. I'd live under a bridge forever if it meant one more day with Brian. You're so fortunate that you get to go right where I went wrong

I can, however, identify with the sentiment and regrets expressed in this quote. I, too, focused on my career and advancement often at the cost of time spent with my kids. If I may, I'd like to share a story about that.

My oldest son is my diving partner, and we spent two weeks in Truk a couple of years ago. That isolated time together allowed for some pretty open and frank discussions between father and son, and during one of these conversations, I expressed my regrets and apologized for working so much instead of spending more time with him and his siblings when they were younger.

His response really surprised me. He found it almost humorous that I felt the need to apologize for it and said that he always understood that I was just trying to provide the best possible life for our family in the role that I'd been placed (I was the "breadwinner" and my wife was a stay-at-home mom). He went on to recall several memories that he had of us during this time, events that I'd forgotten or had never considered memorable but that were special to him. Like the time we played hookey from work/school one afternoon and went for a little hike in the local woods. Or the time we rode my motorcycle to the theater for a James Bond movie, got caught in the rain and got soaking wet, and both agreed not to tell mom.

He also pointed out several other memories that were special to us both that were possible only because of "chasing the almighty dollar." While it's true that you don't need money to create special memories, a lot of our shared most treasured memories are from places and events that we would not have been able to experience without it. There's nothing like being in a special place with the right people under the right circumstances for creating "life memories" and most of the time, that takes money to orchestrate.

Yeah, he's a pretty good kid (he's 30+ now but he'll always be my "kid"). I still have regrets but that conversation provided a lot of consolation.

I've read everything you've posted in this thread about Brian, and it sounds like he was a pretty good kid, too. And given that - he understood, too. And loved you even more for it. So please don't beat yourself up over "missed" time. You've got enough to deal with without dogpiling on yourself.