Death of my Son, I need some help

[gotdogs?]

I have been following this thread for a while. It is so sad reading about the losses suffered by the Scubaboard family. Back when I was in highschool (ages ago!), I had a close friend commit suicide. I keep looking back, trying to figure out if he presented the usual signs of someone contemplating suicide. He didn't give away valued possessions, give up on his physical appearance or become withdrawn etc. It took all of us by surprise. One of the worst things was listening to people Monday morning quarterback about what they think happened. As humans, we really are a- holes to ourselves. We beat ourselves up over things out of our control.

I beg that you do not begrudge people who offer the usual platitudes or Hallmark phrases in response to your loss. Discussing your situation, of such gravity may catch people off guard. Some may be awkward to such a tragedy, others may feel as if a band-aid was ripped off an old wound and feel like they were kicked in the gut. Silence can be awkward and uncomfortable, thus evoking some of these generic responses. Some people will say something that hits home and opens the floodgate to tears, others may induce rage or indifference. Everyone copes differently.

Counseling and therapy is not for everybody, but it needs a chance. A good therapist will help you realize that it is okay to be angry, and feeling like getting by day to day is a struggle. Some people may benefit from group therapy, a celebration of life, a symbolic gesture etc. Others are private grievers. What is important is that you can harness the anger and channel it into something healing. I pray that you allow yourself to feel moments of joy and levity which may last for longer than a millisecond and eventually outnumber you moments of sorrow.

 

[divad]

nevermind....

 

[SapphireMind]

I have not lost a child, but I deal with the death of babies often and have to help parents dealing with that, plus losing patients that I've been very close to. Additionally, my best friend died in a tragic accident last year.

It's not fair. There is no good reason he died. It wasn't his time, you need him here, it doesn't matter whoever would want him elsewhere. Get mad at god if you believe in one. Or praise him. Or consider a different outlook on life if it gives you peace. I'm an atheist and I find a lot of peace in chaos theory and knowing the universe is random - No one deserves bad things to happen to them. No lesson is worth the death of your child. People say stupid, stupid stuff. And if it gets too much, post to facebook or have a card that explains how much those comments hurt. Or just tell them. Whatever you are comfortable with.

Jewish people wear a torn ribbon when a close loved one has died, which I wish would be used for everyone. It's basically to explain you've lost someone very important to you, give space and be understanding.

I like the ball and the box framework. I've found it mostly true for me.

Woman's 'Ball In A Box' Analogy Perfectly Explains How Grief Changes Over Time

I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with this. A counselor will likely be helpful and meds might help you get through the worst of it. It's unfortunately just an awful situation that no one can make better.

 

[PatW]

It sounds terrible.

You had a wonderful son and now he is gone. That has to be devastating.

I would disagree about handling it well. It was an unexpected and traumatic event. It has to be damaging.

My sister died in a plane crash when I was in High School. I remember how it felt. It felt like I had run into a wall. I have never made any sense of it. All I know is that I miss her after 50 years. There has always been a hole left by her death. I struggled through it.

Thinking of her makes me sad and happy.

I never got over it. Sure, I moved on. I enjoyed things again. But....

And what you have to deal with sounds worse.

 

[chrisreedrules]

Life is not fair and time heals nothing. But you can live the rest of your life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Fair winds and blue skies for your son. And **** the person who did this to him.

 

[Sweetangel]

I don’t know where to start, but I’ll jump right in. I lost my 16 year old son a week before Christmas and I’m not handling it well. My wife says that I need to talk to someone about it. But I hate everyone. I especially hate the people tell me stupid cliches like “God needed another angel in heaven”, or some stupid crap like that. I’m not looking for people to pity me, or tell me “we’re so sorry for your loss”. Thank you. But what I really want is for people who have been through this with a child specifically to tell me how the hell you got through it. Because frankly, I’m not sure I can.

My son was pretty awesome. He was pretty sarcastic and always threw in a, “that’s what she said” at the most inappropriate time, but he never got into any trouble. He was generous and thoughtful. He wouldn’t tolerate bullies. He was a hard worker and saved his money. He was reliable and dependable. He had no problem saying, “I love you” or giving me a hug, even in a crowd of his friends. Honestly, he had the best traits of me, and none of the crap I had as a teen or adult.

It’s pretty terrible to lose someone that you have such a great relationship with. We shared so many hobbies together and so many hours together every day. Our day would close every night with him walking in the back door after work telling me how his day went. We’d watch a little bit of TV before I’d say, “Brian, I gotta crash, can you lock up?” It was just our few minutes together every night. I still sit on that couch at 10:30 when he’d normally walk in.

My wife and I were going into Orlando to grab cell phones for Christmas when we came upon the road closed by FHP. It was barricaded off and we couldn’t see why the road was closed. It would be an hour later before FHP notified us that our son was killed in that accident.

You know, I don’t have the normal regrets I hear, like a fight that lasted months, or constant battles over drugs, alcohol, school, whatever. But I do regret that I didn’t spend more time with him instead of working so much. I do regret that I never spoke to him the day he died. I typically didn’t wake him before I went to work. We’d spend time together at night, not in the morning. I do regret buying him the bike that he was killed on, even though everyone keeps telling me, “that bike made him the happiest he’s ever been”. FU, it also made him the deadest he’s ever been when a car didn’t see him and turned in front of him.

I feel like an idiot for buying that bike. Of course my wife tells me if it wasn’t the bike, it would have been something else. It was just his time to go. That’s another FU. Everyone keeps telling me to trust in God. I’m so mad at God. Which is an issue, because I’m a deacon and associate pastor at a church I’ve been a member of for a long time. I want nothing to do with God and at this point don’t even know if I could be considered a Christian.

I don’t know how to keep going. For the first 3 weeks, I blew through a small fortune in an attempt to stay busy and not think about the devastation. But no matter how much money I spent, or what state my pillow was in, every night was still filled with loss and tears.

I’m supposed to talk to someone. I’m not sure it’s fair for my friends and family to have to put up with me for them level of anger and toxicity I have. So, I reach out to you...

Have any of you been through this? Are you willing to talk about it either here or in PM? How did you get through it? I’ve lost parents, best friends, siblings and mentors. This is 100x worse than I could imagine, and I wouldn’t wish it on the worst person. How did you survive?

I ask here, and not on some random grieving forum, because over the last decade I’ve come to know you guys somewhat. You’re not a complete stranger and we have a some history through these threads.

 

[Sweetangel]

We lost our son 3 1/2 years ago. It causes unspeakable pain. As a diver, my place of solitude, happiness and wonder is under the sea. My husband and I often will dedicate a dive to our son. We've placed his memorial card and some ashes at our fav dive site. Breathing is important. Letting people love you and hear you is important. Someone told me the pain never goes away but it gets softer. That helped me. Another person told me you only have 2 things to do.. Decide if you want to live or not. And if you decide you want to live, then decide if you want to live in faith or not. It's taken me a while but I definitely want to live.

 

[Shasta_man]

Having lived with the pain from death starting at 15, I can understand how you feel. Everyone's memories and life make everyone unique, so there is no one answer to what to do. There is no way to make sense of it because there are reasons why it doesn't make sense. There is no way to fix it or change it or make it better. Even me telling you that doesn't help but you have to find a way to put all the thoughts in your head to rest. The best thing for me was to focus on remembering the smiling person, the good time. That's the image I want to come to mind when I think of them. Not the loss, not whatever terrible thing you might have seen when it happened. That doesn't mean that it was OK with you. You have just put them in a positive place because you have a choice on how to remember them. Is the focus on the death or the wonderful person you knew and miss more than anything in the world?

Of the 2 things someone mentioned to you, I believe the latter is a choice independent of this issue. The main choice is the former and there is no shame in choosing to live because they are never forgotten and losing you too won't change what happened.

I have come to realize that the most precious thing in life is time. Because you can never turn it back and once gone, it's gone forever so enjoy and appreciate things while they are happening.

 

[aldertyler]

In my experience the world is a ******, horrible place. And then it's beautiful for a moment, or moments, and then it's ****** and horrible again. All we can do is hope that the beauty we find is enough to sustain us through the **** until we find beauty again.

 

[Superlyte27]

We’re coming on up on 10 months if my math is correct. I’ll admit, I’ve always sucked at math.

I’ve read these pages of your posts and appreciate all the kind words. I guess I was pretty naive to think that life would be easier this far in. But just a few minutes ago I spent the morning crying in the middle of a bunch of strangers.

Any clue how ridiculous it looks to burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant because something reminded you of the kid you lost? I tried to make a joke of it. The waitress came over and asked if I was okay, and I responded in jest with, “this food is just so terrible”. Then I laughed, she looked at me in horror. I explained what was going on and tipped her 40% for having to put up with me.

It friggin sucks. I’m less angry now. I started praying again. But I’m pretty dysfunctional and living a life of instant gratification. Which doesn’t do crap to fix any of this. I have days where I’m incredibly sad, angry, or manic. Some days are all of the above.

And life is friggin weird. I knew that if I didn’t do something, I’d wither away in bed. So, I put us in the greatest financial jeapardy of my life and started an aggressive business with huge wins if it was successful. My idea was, that if I didn’t get out of bed, I’d die there, so let’s force me out of bed. If I didn’t get up, we’d lose everything; houses, cars, credit, every earthly possession.

The friggin business was profitable in the first 30 days. It’ll practically run on auto pilot. It’s literally the greatest opportunity I’ve ever been given. I type this from my hotel room in Bonaire, where I’ve spent the week making technical dives with some of the greatest technical divers in the world. I had to do something to occupy my mind.

But, then a post reminded me of my kid. I miss him so much.

I guess one of things that makes me so angry is that I can’t do anything to fix this. I’ve screwed up collosally in my life. I’ve lost jobs, houses, businesses, my spouse, my family, my dignity, my reputation, etc, etc. etc. And in every single instance, I always knew a path to fix it. Every single time I had a way to resolve whatever chaos I had put myself in. And it worked, every single time. I’m pretty successful today by most people’s standards. I have great friends, a great job, great credit, great kids, a fantastic wife of 24 years. Because, No matter how bad I screwed up, I could fix it.

I can’t fix this. There’s no way to get him back. And there’s no way to stop the pain. For a guy who has spent his life with an immeasurable amount of hope and faith, it is devastating to lose both hope and faith in an instant. No amount of hope will ever get Brian back. No amount of faith would convince me that I couldn’t lose another child in a blink of an eye. And that’s crippling.

I know this has been a scattered post and hard to follow. I apologize. But I do appreciate you guys. It sounds dumb, but I love you guys who have lost a child and are still moving forward. It shows me that it is possible for me to do the same.