Why not an
Incident Analyst endorsement to Armchair Diver, awarded for a demonstrated ability to read nothing more than a posted rumor on Accidents and Incidents that something might have happened yesterday at an approximate location and instantly determine:
- The exact mechanism of the accident and cause of death. (Any applicant who actually knows what happened will be disqualified. That's cheating.)
- That mechanism's basis in Newtonian physics, geometry, physiology, quantum mechanics, phase of the moon, and victim's wife's monthly cycle. (Any applicant who actually knows anything about Newtonian physics, geometry, physiology, quantum mechanics, phase of the moon, or victim's wife's monthly cycle is disqualified.)
- The precise shares of responsibility to be apportioned among the victim, buddy, dive master, captain, dive operator, victim's original OW instructor, certifying authority, individuals who may at one time in the past described or suggested doing whatever the victim was doing in (1) above, and victim's parents who raised him wrong. (Regardless of which authority actually certified the victim, any Incident Analyst who fails to include PADI in the list of those to blame will have the endorsement revoked.)
- A list of procedures personally followed by the Analyst guaranteeing that they would certainly have saved the life of the victim, had the victim but followed them. (Any analyst who is found to actually follow those procedures is disqualified.)
We could start handing them out immediately.