Funniest Diving quotes you have heard

[vtxkev]

Being a new diver I do not have anything other then thank you to contribute to this yet. I just got through 20 pages of some very very funny stuff. Thanks again.

 

[Teamcasa]

Funniest lines?
Divers and anything to do with being streamlined. This just cracks me up! A Scuba Diver is about as streamlined as a cement mixer underwater and the thought that a extra piece of gear hanging from a D-ring makes them less streamlined to the point they would even notice it is just downright funny!

 

[Stu S.]

"Split fins have the unique ability to compress water. That creates a high pressure zone behind the diver and a water vacuum in front of the diver. This constant pressure-push allows you to swim twice as fast."

 

[Teamcasa]

"Split fins silt more than other fins."

 

[ScubaSteve]

"Split fins have the unique ability to compress water. That creates a high pressure zone behind the diver and a water vacuum in front of the diver. This constant pressure-push allows you to swim twice as fast."

That is AWESOME! Thanks. I did not know that but I AM going out tonight to get me a set.

I can only narrow it down to anything spoken by any FANATIC of any aspect of scuba diving. Key word there is FANATIC.

 

[Not Now John]

Good times with my instructor friends Billy and Bryan:

"SCUBA stand for Super Cool Underwater Babe (or Bro) Attractant" -Bryan

"Its ok, I was wrong once too." -Bryan

"Mike I don't want my wetsuit to smell after the dive, can I pee in yours instead?" -Billy

"Ok, so our planed depth and bottom time are: the bottom, until we come up" -Billy

At a scuba convention, talking to a custom wetsuit manufacturer.
Bryan: So a lot of people I know dive a 10mm suit, do you have something that thick?
Seller: I seriously doubt you know anyone diving a 10mm wetsuit
Bryan: Hey Mike, how thick is your wetsuit?
Me: Oh my suit is 10mm.
2nd Seller (trying very poorly to whisper): Actually a lot of people around here use 10mm.
1st seller: oh

 

[jupitermermaid]

I had to rescue a woman who developed an air embolism after shooting to the surface from 95' when she realized she was running out of air, and secondary DCS . When I related her profile to the doctor at the hyperbaric chamber, he told the woman that she probably got the bends due to her repeated bounce diving. She retorted, "That's impossible! I've been diving the same way all week and didn't get the bends till now!"

 

[Teamcasa]

A large man on the dive boat after squeezing into his wetsuit turned and asked his GF (with a smirk on his face) "Does this wetsuit make my butt look big?". She replied, "Why, yes. Yes it does."

 

[pittyyofool]

my dad, when taking off his wet booties accidentally flung water across my face and chest. When i said "HEY!" he replied, at least it's not dry suit booty Juice...

on a boat in HI the DM said, sea sick happens so if you are going to blow chunks run for the stern and try for distance not accuracy.

 

[tarekaly]

I was told about a DM who was short in weights and wanted to get an idea to add weights to his BCD.
So he got a plastic bag filled it with water and put it in the BCD weight pocket....!!!

Also i knew an Pro diver DM also who took a full breth from his snorkel under water thinking it was the regulator...

STuff happens