Funniest Diving quotes you have heard

[Thalassamania]

Two, both from Benchley movies:

The Deep:

I feel things so I do them! That's the way I am!
And you wind up with T-shirts!

Jaws: Right there. Mary Ellen Moffit. She broke my heart.

 

[ScubaSteve2000]

We attended a meet and greet for local divers. I was seated by a newly certified diver and we were talking about this and that.
"So," she says. "Does each tank count as a dive?"
I thought about it for a second. "W'll yeah," I answered. "I usually put on a tank and swim around on the bottom until it gets to about 500 psi. Then I come back up and log it as a dive."

Steve.

 

[Clammy]

We attended a meet and greet for local divers. I was seated by a newly certified diver and we were talking about this and that.
"So," she says. "Does each tank count as a dive?"
I thought about it for a second. "W'll yeah," I answered. "I usually put on a tank and swim around on the bottom until it gets to about 500 psi. Then I come back up and log it as a dive."

Steve.

But doubles doesn't count as 2 dives! And deco bottles don't count as 3, 4, 5, etc! ALTHOUGH.... then dives would rack up like experience points in a game!

 

[ScubaSteve2000]

But doubles doesn't count as 2 dives! And deco bottles don't count as 3, 4, 5, etc! ALTHOUGH.... then dives would rack up like experience points in a game!

Yep, that's right. I'm hoping that by the time she gets around to doubles and deco bottles she has the dive counting thing figured out.

Steve.

 

[bowlofpetunias]

:blinkingive brief ended with these instructions. Go down the mooring line and wait at the bottom for me.

Diver "Does the mooring line go all the way to the bottom?"


:blinking:Two "divers" on the way to the water..... One barefoot wearing nothing but a speedo and BCD and carrying full foot fins.

Diver One: "Is that all you are wearing?"
Diver Two: "Yup... impressive huh?"

note water temp about 16C at that time and entry over rocks, rubble with lots of sea urchin

Diver Two notices us (fully geared up) having completed our dive.
Diver Two: "Have you dived here? doh2:I wonder how he thought we got wet?) Do you know where the entry point is?"

Me "No idea!"

 

[kadleck]

You lowlanders, jeez. I didn't take any supplemental O2 with me the last time I climbed a 14'er, and I'm pretty sure that's more strenuous going up than falling down.

Thanks! I pondered responding to the "supplemental O2 required at 10000 ft" comment but thought better of it.

Just bear in mind 2 simple scenarios:
1) O2 isn't required on treks to Everest base camp (20000 ft). Many tourists do this annually!
2) 10000 ft is the height airline pilots descend (rapidly) to in the event that the passenger masks have deployed

 

[chris9562]

One that me gasp:

A few weeks ago a new group were on their 4th week of the 6 week OW course at our dive club.
DM: "Ok, Swim test. Swim 20 lengths of the pool, in any style you're comfortable with"
Student: "But I can't swim?"

The dive club now makes the swim test the 1st thing they do.

 

[amfibiousassassin]

I once had an attorney in my class. This guy absolutely thought the rules did not apply to him (Thats another story...but heres a hint...he has been picked up adrift by a fishing boat...not once, but twice. But it was the dive boats fault that they didn;t follow him out to sea????)
Anyway, he was concerned about Sharks so I siezed the opportunity to educate this "most knowledgeable one" about sharks. I told him he had nothing to worry about, that although sharks have been known in the past to mistakenly bite someone, that sharks did not bite attorneys. He asked "Why?" I replied,"Professional Courtesy"

*
I have been asked several times why I carry two computers, I always reply,"So when I max one computer out, I can start using the other one." You wouldn't believe the remarks and oohs and aahs I get!

*
In open water classes we teach dive with a buddy, carry 2 regs, dive knife, compass, blah, blah blah...you get it......anyway, when the subject of sharks comes up and someone asks, "What do I do when I see a shark?" I reply,"Thats why you dive with a buddy and why you carry a knife, so when you see a shark, you can pull out your knife and cut your buddy."
(In reality, I teach the buddy system this way: The only way you can make a good dive buddy is to first be a good independent diver.)

 

[Clammy]

Thanks! I pondered responding to the "supplemental O2 required at 10000 ft" comment but thought better of it.

Just bear in mind 2 simple scenarios:
1) O2 isn't required on treks to Everest base camp (20000 ft). Many tourists do this annually!
2) 10000 ft is the height airline pilots descend (rapidly) to in the event that the passenger masks have deployed

I think it's also what the cabin is pressurized to.

 

[rstofer]

On a six-pack in Cozumel a couple of years ago. Some woman sitting beside me:

Me: When did you get into Cozumel?
Her: Yesterday morning but we can't dive the day we get here.
Me: Why not?

Her: Because that'll make our dive computers shut down.

She actually believed her computer "knew" she'd been flying that day and would shut down if they made a dive. Both of them believed this.

Now that's interesting!

One of the reasons I selected the Dive Rite Nitek-Duo computer was the fact that it is ALWAYS on. I had the idea that, should I decide to dive Lake Tahoe, it would know how much residual nitrogen I had from simply changing altitude while driving to the site. It is commonly thought that you would be an H diver on arrival. Others think you could be a P diver. I don't know, I have never spent much time thinking about it. Even when I did my Altitude Diver course at Tahoe. OOPS!

Here the computer would see the 8000 foot altitude of the pressurized airplane and start some kind of deco algorithm. On landing, it would see the new altitude and start doing something else.

I have no idea how it would work out! But the Nitek-Duo WOULD know that you had been flying.

Hm...

Richard