"...we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork." - the Split

[JDog]

A true story 6 years back.
Sure me and my dive buddy are nubi’s but we are here working in Tahiti and wanted to do some diving.
Keep telling me how good you 3 are, how one of you was almost a divemaster, and he quit logging dives years ago because there is no good reason for it.(1) And your freaking NAUI butt buddy who says that he …”picks Sport Chalet PADI divers off the bottom ALL the time.” Then two months later we found out by accident he was certified by PADI.

Ya we just bought our first set of gear at Sports Chalet. So what. Oh that regulator we bought is crap, and we should have got Zeagle BC’s because that rear inflation stuff is just a fad. I remember your inflator blowing out on the first dive and they didn’t have any spare parts for it in town, (maybe you didn’t rinse that BC good enough before you stuffed it into your garage 10 years ago. The next weekend it was your regulator free flowing like crazy, Ya we remember the Divemaster shutting your tank off, (and fixing your reg), so you had at least a little air in it to complete the dive.

I remember the conversation we had about dive knifes….” That if you don’t wear your dive knife on the inside of your leg your going to DIE..” I never died by having it on the outside….you dork.
Jetfixer can tell you how fast Mr. Zeagle could set up his gear and get into the water on a night dive………Then he had to have is fins handed to him.

#3 had a runaway accent at 100ft. Lucky for him he ran into #2 on the elevator ride up; it slowed him just enough so that he didn’t look like a Titan missile being shot from a nuclear submarine.

In the end the nubi’s dove every week, with out fail. Without gear failures either. The hot shots, the talk-talkers hung it up after 3 weeks. The B-S meter was pegged and the cat was out of the bag……..These guys………….. looked like DORKS.

 

[TSandM]

(This one's topical to the PNW)

Hey, mister I-wanna-be-a-gas-diver-for-the-WKPP, who are you kidding? Covering the cove with deco bottles and stages and scooters every Saturday morning, with your entourage of attendants: The gear schleppers, the 10 foot divers, the 20 foot divers . . . Reporting the number of tent stakes you left in the mud this time just isn't inducing the proper level of awe in my breast. No, two hours deco hangs in ice-cold water devoid of anything more interesting than black-eyed hermit crabs does NOT make a diving icon of you. As you're helped from the water by your sycophants, we're going to laugh at all of you and you'll ALL look like dorks . . .

(My apologies to my friends who dive support for the APLP. This was just too tempting.)

 

[Glycerin]

Here’s to you, Mr. Safety Stop Grip of Death!! Holding the anchor line during your safety stop in swells isn’t a good idea. Getting pulled up and down by the line until you end up getting hit on the head by the boat will cause us to laugh at you and you’ll look like a dork.

 

[PADI Cakes]

RE::: Hey you up there - DFA ("death from above") diver... you know who you are. You're the guy that insists on diving over me and not beside me. I look left and you're not there. I look right and you're not there. I look into the abyss and you're not there. I look up and there you are, like a Macy's Parade balloon in my blind spot... kinda wobbling along the dive, high above it all. When I ask, your well-rehearsed response of "I see more from up here" isn't ringing true, Dirigible. Its clear you simply don't practice. It don't make you bad people, just a DFA diver. Listen SR71, get a grip - if you can't stay outta the Ionosphere for 50 minutes and insist on flying high above it all, we're through - go find another DFA and you guys can duke it out until you're both on the surface wondering what the hell happened. If I need to clip you off like a lift bag to keep track of you, we're all gonna laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.

Response:

OK "Mister Grounds Keeper"- maybe I wouldn't be hovering over you if you didn't put soo much weight in and decided to kick up so much crap from pushing yourself off the bottom like a hippity hop so that i can't see anything. If I wanted to see a sand storm i'd have moved to the dessert! And maybe I'd be by your side if youd learn to swim without your arms flapping trying to keep yourself afloat and snatching my reg out of my mouth. So hovering over you and watching you look like a dork is not such a bad thing- it keeps me ALIVE!! (and by the way you owe me a fill- used up my air laughing at you)

 

[mdb]

This thread has stayed a great thread and a lot of fun back and forth without any personal attacks or spam. Thanks to the OP. If it stays fun and clean this could take permanent place as the best thread ever. We all have our stories, and, at some level, we all are "dorks". I sure am.

 

[Divmstr223]

Hey You, Mr. UNDERWATER PHOTOGRAPHER, yeah you know I am talking to you. HEY, photo guy, your buddies are BORED. You may like hangin there takin the same picture of something they can't even see but look around. See the slack jawed expressions and the blue lips? It's cold, its boring, move on!
Listen up Norbert, with your $10K worth of camera equipment and strobes that blind the rest of your TEAM every time you fire them off. Which you seem to do again and again and again until that poor FEDEX has permanent retinal damage just so you can get the “perfect shot” yeahhhhhhh. If by perfect you mean so photoshopped it no longer even resembles what might appear in a very bad acid trip. That’s right, learn some photography skills. There is more to it than taking 1000 pictures per dive and then cropping and changing colors. Learn some composition skill. Speaking of that! How about you leave poor Johnnie octo alone. He does not want to “climb up on your hand and sit for a photo” He didn’t hop on, you dragged him out of his warm little home and he was so stressed he just laid there. And how about just taking pictures of what’s actually there. Yeah, I’m talking to you nudi-collector. I see you swimming around the reef collecting ‘branchs and posing them together. If you want to put a bunch of slugs together and take pictures, go to a Scubaboard picnic. Other wise we will laugh at you and you’ll look like a dork.

LMAO...This so reminds me one of my buddies on a recent dive... but I can't tell ya who...cuz I'll get beat down and look like dork...

 

[Archangel]

Mo2vation is one funny dude.

Paying extra $$ for that blue H rather than a perfectly good DSS makes you look like you got a lot money to throw away, which I would rather take from you at the SI poker game.

I have the blue H tatoo'd on my butt! we drink the strong cherry koolaid. . .

Im calling out the Mr. You-Are-Doing-It-Wrong 'kooaid lite' posers traipsing around pointing at rec-AOW-on-their-knees-silting-up-the-bottom divers gear and blurting out, "the koolaid gospel."

Stop it! you are pissing off everyone around you, and embarassing us who hover motionless in the water column. . . and you SOUND like a dork!

T

 

[Archangel]

How about Mr. my new AL 80 tank is so shinny I need the matching mesh tank protector to cover it.

And Mr. Dive Parka with RESCUE DIVER patch. I feel save with you on the boat. Thank You.

That made me chuckle!

Tevis (now taking the RESCUE DIVER off of my blue dive parka)

 

[divinman]

We find irritating the 'kooaid lite' posers traipsing around pointing at rec-AOW-on-their-knees-silting-up-the-bottom divers gear and blurting out, "you are doing that wrong."


T

But Tevis!!! They were doing it wrong. I had to say something. I prefer koolaid lite, the full version has too many bugs in the software. Less is more.

LOL

Too much fun.

 

[Robert Phillips]

This thread has stayed a great thread and a lot of fun back and forth without any personal attacks or spam. Thanks to the OP. If it stays fun and clean this could take permanent place as the best thread ever. We all have our stories, and, at some level, we all are "dorks". I sure am.

Thanks MDB! I did not think this would be such a big thread, just Ken and Me slinging back and forth. I'm glad it has stayed civil and people realise no one is pointing any fingers at anyone specifically (well maybe in a circuitous way )
I've gotten tons of great laughs out of this and my wife laughs at me all the time and I look like a dork!