Catherine, it sounds like your kids, (specifically your daughter) need a bit of good old-fashioned USMC discipline.
Get JB to inflict it.
About your daughter and her party--don't write apology letters to everyone in your neighborhood. Make HER do it, and make her hand-write them. No copy/paste on the computer. By the way, I think you definitely did the right thing with not letting her get her license due to her irresponsibility.
If your daughter is throwing beer bashes at her age there will be serious issues later, especially when she goes off to college. I can't count the number of people I've seen who I just
knew would turn into alcoholics in college based on their personality when we went through high school. Guess how many? All of them. Thankfully most have reduced their beer intake a bit since freshman year ("I had 13 beers tonight!!"), but the all still drink to excess.
I did some stupid crap as a teenager but nothing dangerous. I don't (and didn't) drink or smoke. I never saw why it was considered cool to get wasted, not remember your evening, and end up hugging the toilet. The best thing I ever did in high school was join NJROTC in the 9th grade. Discipline as demonstrated by a retired USMC Master Sergeant is a wonderful thing.
<rant>
Personally I don't see why people make such a big deal over teenage years. It's just a number, and in many other societies it's not a big deal. Most of the problems that teenagers have seem to be larger manifestations from their younger years, plus their parents not being able to control them. If you can't keep your kid under control in their younger years, how do you expect them to act responsibly when they're older?
When their first child becomes a teenager, they will know beyond any shadow of a doubt that a cruel joke has been played on them, and all the parents they gave advice to before they had kids are simply laughing their butts off.
Most people have expectations that their kids are going to go nuts as teenagers, thus their kids go nuts as teenagers. I have found that if you say "THIS is the standard" in terms of your expectations for their behavior and performance on any number of things, they will strive to meet it for better or worse. If you set low standards, they won't shoot higher. If you set high standards, many will attempt to shoot for them. I've never seen someone who doesn't react to that. If you expect your child to act like a civilized, mature adult at all times, and they KNOW what you expect from them, then they most likely will even as a teenager.
Parents today are way too concerned with being cool and being their kid's friend than with making their sure children turn into mature responsible members of society. The current generation of kids are going to be the whiniest, brattiest generation yet. I see it EVERY day in college.
For example, today I was walking to my apartment and several people a few apartments down from me were talking loud enough on their porch that I could hear them as I passed by. "Man I'm going to get WASTED tonight!" "Sweet, me too!!"
:shakehead It's sad that so many people my age don't understand the consequences of their actions, or they do they apparently just don't care. For the parents on this board, PLEASE make your kids realize that there ARE consequences for their actions, whether or not they are immediately apparent!!
</rant>
