Survival Kit for Basic Divers on SB

[SkipperJohn]

Don't ask for seafood recipes, you will die.

Happy 4/1 everyone

 

[bleeb]

Indeed, 'life' is a terminal disease with 0% chance of surviving... and we're ALL INFECTED...

 

[Abidon]

Don't ask for seafood recipes, you will die.

Happy 4/1 everyone

That explains why I always fell sick after eating seafood.

 

[BHB ScubaTroll]

This is version II of the list

Here is your "survival" kit. Its purpose is to help the Basic Diver avoid being flamed on ScubaBoard when posting outside this area. Read these helpful issues and avoid asking questions about them outside the Basic Scuba Discussion area.

• Split fins will drag you into the dark abyss - get paddle fins and you may get by; jets you're 200% sure you'll survive the dive.
• Snorkels will kill you - entanglement hazard (some must be mistaking them for choking anacondas )
• Piston regs freeze right away upon contact with any liquid substance - diaphragm regs OTOH are designed specifically for scuba diving
• Jacket BCD will crush your rib cage and cause cardiac arrest - get BP/W ASAP and don't go anywhere near any body of water (even swimming pools) until you do so; some weirdo might push you into the water and you'll be doomed .
• AL tanks are good as weather balloons; back in the day, some maniac decided for no apparent reason that he could go dive with one, some crude fellows (to their ignorance) followed his suit since - DON'T DO THAT! Steel is only the recognized metal to be used in cylinders production; all other are blasphemes and only provoke the wrath of God .
• If you see anyone in the water with a mask on their forehead; DON'T PANIC - STOP - THINK - ACT: inform the EMS, and immediately jump in for rescue.
• If your primary 2nd hose length is less than what is required to be used as hookah system; then be fore warned that you are endangering your buddies life and in case of fatality; his widow will sue you, which may result in significant financial loss .
• If you do not own a drysuit preferably WITH A PEE VALVE; we strongly suggest that you use the "email opt out" option found in your profile page .
• Spare Air, and small ponys definitely, maybe, fatal if you ever have to actually use them.
• Flip Fins are an entanglement hazard that will keep you from reaching a buddy, the surface and/or your Spare Air
• If you touch any part of the reef/bottom with any part of your body, equipment or bubbles you are destroying the ecosystem faster then the exhaust the cattle boat you rode to the site on is.
• Integrated weight systems are not acceptable because they give you a false sense that they can be dumped as fast/or faster than a weight belt
• Zip ties? For diving? Who's insane enough to do that? (Velcro is the way to go)
• You cant be a fisherman and a diver
• If you own a camera, you have to have over 2,000 dives before you can get it wet. Any less and you just aren’t ready. Go practice diving skills some more
• Asking which PADI specialty you should do next is akin to admitting you are prepared to eat baby dolphins for fun.
• Any posts that contain the initials “DIR” are to be avoided at all times, unless you are feeling chilly and need some warmth from the flames.
• If you are using yellow fins, you will be eaten by a shark, even if you only dive in fresh water

The “You’re Gonna Die” List. This list reduces many questions asked by Basic Divers down to the final solution when posting outside the Basic Scuba Discussion area. Read through this list as if it is a FAQ list. You are sure to find the final answer to several questions you want to ask in other forums on ScubaBoard. Save yourself the time and read the answers right here

• If you aren't close enough to reach out and touch your buddy at all times and if you don't make eye contact with him every 30 seconds… you’re gonna die
• If you Dive with an Air2 system… you’re gonna die
• Oxygen is addictive and deadly. Everyone who uses it will eventually die
• If you [drink|smoke|have sex] before a dive...you’re gonna die.
• If you keep an SPG with a wireless AI transmitter...you’re gonna die
• If you look at a nitrox tank without proper certification...you’re gonna die
• Never dive with HUD masks, they are heavy on one side and you'll roll over with no control...you’re gonna die
• Never dive with a beaver-tail, you will most certainly wrap it around some part on the boat and end up hanging on the side of the boat like a yo-yo...you’re gonna die
• If you spearfish, you are satan - sharks can tell this and will attack...you’re gonna die
• Never dive with [insert any brand except your own] gear, it's made by monkeys with no concept of the underwater world...you’re gonna die
• If your buddy is a photographer, and you run out of air… you’re gonna die
• If you use a BP/W it will float you face-down... you're gonna die
• If you use a drysuit while using a BP/W it will make you float feet-up and face-down... you're gonna die
• If you use SS or Brass clips from hardware or marine shops instead of approved "Tech" dive centers... you're gonna die
• If you use any clip that can be called a "suicide" clip... you're gonna die
• If you don't practice ALL your skills on EVERY dive... you're gonna die
• If you ask for advice on new equipment, just purchased or about to purchase, the correct answer will finally be... you're gonna die
• If you follow advice from anyone other than an instructor... you're gonna die instantly (Since you are reading this list, you're already dead)

Tips to help Basic Divers navigate ScubaBoard waters. These are a few of the more common formats and directions that many posted threads take in other areas on ScubaBoard. When you come across these formats, just understand the thread has probably run its course and feel free to ask the original question again by starting a new thread

1) A discussion isn't worth reading until it's been cross-threaded (i.e. the content of the original post deemed entirely incorrect due to incompatible and often incomprehensible reasons which are then promulgated throughout the remainder).

2) The number of 'thanks' a post receives is generally indicative of the number of times a subject has been beat to death. This is particularly true if the thanked post is also the thread starters' Original Post.

3) Each thread has a maximum number of pertinent posts. Once that 'critical mass' has been reached (often around post #2), the thread will explode into a mass of either repetitive or irrelevant drivel having nothing to do with the original post. Many 'thanks' will follow.

5) No one on ScubaBoard can count.

6) Everything that can be discussed has been discussed. Consequently, if you have a question, use the search function rather than starting your own thread (after all, bits are a precious commodity). However, do not reply to the thread if it's more than one month old.

 

[ScubaSteve]

3) Each thread has a maximum number of pertinent posts. Once that 'critical mass' has been reached (often around post #2), the thread will explode into a mass of either repetitive or irrelevant drivel. Many 'thanks' will follow.

Now that is QUALITY right there.

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[maged_mmh]

why this isn't a sticky yet

 

[thanksforallthefish]

Great list CT, but I think you missed one ... If you don't practice ALL your skills on EVERY dive ... you're gonna die

 

[jswantek]

There's one I didn't see on there, you may want to add it..

-Do NOT, under any circumstance, ask for opinions on a new piece of equipment unless you have absolutely no intention of buying it, as it will not be the right one for you, will not work as advertised and could very likely kill you as soon as it touches liquid. Only 'pre-approved' equipment should be considered for purchase.

 

[BHB ScubaTroll]

Great list CT, but I think you missed one ... If you don't practice ALL your skills on EVERY dive ... you're gonna die

Fixed it

 

[BHB ScubaTroll]

There's one I didn't see on there, you may want to add it..

-Do NOT, under any circumstance, ask for opinions on a new piece of equipment unless you have absolutely no intention of buying it, as it will not be the right one for you, will not work as advertised and could very likely kill you as soon as it touches liquid. Only 'pre-approved' equipment should be considered for purchase.

How about this to cover it...

If you ask for advice on new equipment, just purchased or about to purchase, understand that the ultimate answer will finally come down to... you're gonna die