Reprimanding Insta-buddy

[RobPNW]

Ha - yes there were too many calories burned on an introspective comment I was trying to make about learning from gas anxiety on a mis-matched buddy, and learning redundancy. Unsurprisingly we both left the dive shop convinced the DM has just totally validated our own position. Add some beers and margaritas, and it went further downhill from there, but we are almost 25 years into this deal so we recovered

If it weren't for consistent seasickness she would be my buddy on boat dives, and then we could really get into post-dive buddy evaluations. A regular Festivus "Airing of Grievances"

 

[SloopCamotop]

You said you signaled and it was returned, but what did you signal? I suspect it was just turn around. Did you share your pressure readings throughout both dives? Is there any reasonable expectation that she would have the slightest idea of your pressure?

My signals as navigator/"leader" were -

turn around
pair up
head to the bow
request and shared air reading
request and shared NDL.

Did you agree beforehand that once the turn around signal was given it was time to return to the mooring without delay?

No. I made an assumption that we would return in the manner we arrived, however given our position in the water relative to the deck in that particular part of the ship there wasn't much of interest at that depth, so distance was initially covered fairly efficiently when I headed back to ball 2.

If you are effectively leading the dive at some point and you turn around and your buddy is gone, that is absolutely on you.

I share this mentality. I went back because she may have needed help, and as a buddy I have already let someone down if I am this far away. I agree that I erred here in that regard.

 

[Chavodel8en]

Its not always possible, but I prefer side to side (or slightly above), rather than one in a single file. That way, the "lead" doesnt have to be constantly checking backwards.

I tell insta-buddies this, and its generally acceptable.

 

[NorCalDM]

Looking from her point of view, you had a plan but was it her plan also and understood you were leading the dive? When you signaled to turn the dive did you signal you were low on air so she understood why? You may not be able to see her but she may be able to see you so she thought everything is good. Did you look back to see if she was there or just kick into another gear to get to the next point? I see to many divers when you put a compass in their hand or they get goal focused "time to go" the just take off swimming like a bat of hell. Slow down and enjoy your air consumption may get better. I also saw a few comments that she was a newer diver but the OP only stated she was new to that site so she may have more dive experience but just not at that site and was comfortable with what was going on.

 

[happy-diver]

Your dive buddies are not you man

You reprimand people, would rather suffer displeasure from your wife, can't talk to women
and tell "Richards" to.......

and also the fact that you can come on here exposing who you are with out being terrified

these are just dumb male traits mate so just give them up give diving up, give your wife up
or go see someone mate

After my wife and I disagreed we went back to the shop to ask a DM their perspective (we needed a referee lol), and the short of it from her was, to paraphrase, "Depends on situation, and reading the room. If you think you can constructively share your concern in a helpful way that you believe will be received as intended, then sure it is worth communicating. Unfortunately far too many divers are submerged in their own egos, and can be difficult to reach even with the best intentions. I would at the least support a firm re-signal of "pair up", maybe with some angry eyebrows to reinforce the point. Once on the boat though every situation is different. If you think your buddy is a danger to themselves or others, definitely pass on your observations to the staff, and let them decide how to address from there. We don't want anyone dying. Too much paperwork (tongue in cheek)."

I can also note the reality that I am probably less likely to address such concerns with a female than a male. I am conscious of the perception of mansplaining, and I don't want any part of that convo. My wife says if it was a dude I would have been blunt and said, "WTF, Richard?" I disagree, I would have likely said little to nothing, but she is not incorrect that it may be a trickier business than usual for an older guy to start dishing out post-dive criticism to a younger woman. The line between helpful and demoralizing/irritating is too narrow for me to walk. I recognize a single female on a dive boat is on one hand just another diver, but on the other hand there are considerations of culture upon which I wish to tread lightly.

 

[SloopCamotop]

@happy-diver the “Richard” thing is from a Vine several years ago. It’s a phrase that may be more prevalent in certain circles than in others.

Seems now the thread is long enough that it isn’t necessarily being read by some before commenting, as questions are being asked that have been answered, and I guess via the telephone game the basic facts are shifting as well.

I appreciate the feedback from those that have put the effort into answering my question.

 

[L13]

I see to many divers when you put a compass in their hand or they get goal focused "time to go" the just take off swimming like a bat of hell.

I have this problem. I'm trying to train myself out of it and I'm getting better.

I also saw a few comments that she was a newer diver but the OP only stated she was new to that site so she may have more dive experience but just not at that site and was comfortable with what was going on.

I noticed this too.

 

[BlueTrin]

I’ll assume you communicated the plan including when to turn the dive during the pre-dive briefing.

When she signalled you to follow her, you may have wanted to signal back “no no I am going back”.

Just remember if a dive buddy does not follow a plan, you can just continue and then turn the dive if there is no good reason for the buddy to deviate from the plan.

Back on the boat, just explain why you were surprised and anxious about your gas without pointing a strong finger at her. Just a “you surprised me when I was low on gas, I wanted to turn the dive but you asked me to follow you and I started to be worried about my gas reserves”.

This would allow you to engage the discussion and understand why you’d had different expectations. If you put a blame the person will immediately find excuses or blame you back rather than discuss.

Also if you feel uncomfortable, ask to have another buddy for the next dive.

 

[Jcp2]

Spray bottle. /s

 

[SlugLife]

I'm more of a solo-diver, or as someone else put it "same ocean buddy." If they were to swim off and do their own thing, I might briefly look around before proceeding on my own dive-plan. I also tends to carry my own redundant air and equipment. What would I say to the buddy? Maybe ask then if they prefer solo diving.

In a sense, I feel it's not my responsibility to monitor, instruct, or baby-sit another diver or insta-buddy. There are many thousands of divers out there, and if I cared to make a difference, there are better ways than lecturing one diver at a time.

Now, if you're not ready for solo, then what I would do may not be that applicable to you. If you feel somewhat dependent on having a buddy to do a dive, and are with an insta-buddy, you're really gambling there. My personal philosophy is to never do a dive, unless I feel equipped (skills & equipment) to handle any emergency alone. I might pursue more challenging dive with a buddy I can trust, but never with an insta-buddy. Afterall, if your story, you were "solo-diving with a buddy." Because if you had an issue, your buddy wouldn't have been there for you.