Reprimanding Insta-buddy

[Rob9876]

Nice day, mild to no current, 30-40 ft vis.

At 3rd I look back and find I am alone.

On way back to 4 she appears through the haze, and beckons me to follow her further back. Against my preference, I do. 1200. I am experiencing a tiny bit of “gas anxiety” at this point.

All I say is onboard something to the effect of “You scared the crap out of me when I turned around and there was nothing but empty water!” and leave it at that.

I believe I should have noticed more quickly that I was alone, and that a pre-dive conversation of positioning would have been useful, and I can lay the blame for that on myself.


TL;DR How often do you scold people, I guess is my question.

While I think you have a valid concern, from the quotes above it does look like you *both* allowed a good bit of distance (30-40 feet of viz) to come between you. People do stop and look at interesting things, so it is good to either (1) be beside each other when possible; and/or (2) keep an eye on your buddy at intervals suitable to conditions to try to stay together (and make sure your buddy is not having an issue behind you -- what if she had been having a problem instead of looking at an eel?).

Again, I do think you have a valid concern, but the burden is on both of you to stay together. The decision to follow her back when you were at 1200 is totally on you -- you could have tapped your SPG and given the thumb sign. So, while I'm not dismissing your valid concern, staying together is a 2-way street and I'd be hesitant to be too harsh or scold in such a situation.

 

[SloopCamotop]

While I think you have a valid concern, from the quotes above it does look like you *both* allowed a good bit of distance (30-40 feet of viz) to come between you.

For sure. We didn't cover positioning in our pre-dive plan, and I made assumptions that proved incorrect. I see this as a teachable moment for both divers. I do my own analysis of my dives afterwards and think about things I did or felt that could use some introspection. I try to be a student of diving. That's where it typically ends for me though. I don't cross over into inspecting my dive buddy's moves or being a teacher of diving - unless they are patently dangerous or smashing a reef. I leave it to them to do their own analysis. Sounds crass and selfish but I am fairly firmly in the "Not my job" camp.

 

[drrich2]

After my wife and I disagreed we went back to the shop to ask a DM their perspective (we needed a referee lol),

Let's not lose sight of another potential important lesson...you might benefit from rethinking how much to tell your wife about such situations in the future.

On the dive, you didn't have a choice about whether to have a problem. At home...

Richard.

 

[Boarderguy]

This question of feedback arose because I was relaying to my wife that given that my air was a limiting factor on another's dive time, and that I found myself in a position that I wasn't entirely comfortable, that I wanted to look into steel 100's and Self Reliant Diver course, so that I would be better prepared from a gear and training perspective should (when) a similar event occurs in the future.

HP 100s should be standard for most male drivers especially when paired with a female on an 80. I have 4 80s still because my wife dives occasionally. She uses my 2 HP 80s. The 2 AL 80s I've had for 20+ years and my parents had them before I took them. I also have 2 HP 100s and a 119. The 119 is my go to tank. Short, fat and full of gas for me or an emergency. I'm trying to find a 2nd 119 that isn't outrageously priced so I can do 2 tank days with the same setup instead of having to change my bands to fit the 100s.

Back to the original question I think you could have expressed your concern about her disappearing act. I've had a routine buddy do this and it scared the hell out of me. He's 60 ish and was supposed to wait for me at 60 fsw when I went on a deep excursion to find a pre determined item with a scooter. It took me 5 minutes longer than anticipated and when I went back for him he was gone. No silt, no marks, nothing. Fortunately we were following a hard reference (2 ft dia pipe) and I found him at 40 fsw. His air was getting low (hp 80 vs my 100) and we headed to shore. He surfaced with 300 and I was at 950 still. He's a master diver and retired special forces combat diver. I didn't lay into him but I sure as hell let him know my feelings on deviating from our plan. His air would have been fine if he'd stayed put and waited on the scooter instead of finning for the shore. We both laugh about it now and have better plans for such excursions. That is only because we really talk about the good and bad of our buddy dives.

 

[RobPNW]

Treat it like a teachable moment and calmly explain how you like to stick to a conservative plan because you've seen dives go sideways and how important it is to have a margin of safety. Then say in a non hostile way that if that's not something she's comfortable with, she might be happier pairing up with another person.

 

[brsnow]

You ended up at the scuba shop to settle an argument with your wife about an argument you wanted to have with an instabuddy….starting to see a pattern;-)

 

[James79]

It can be, scolding or reprimand will only trigger a defensive response, if they are certified they already have the information.

Who decides it is actually constructive?

My experience in teaching adult learners (not scuba, but a different business where mistakes kill people) is that the trick is to make it about what happened, not who did what. "YOU broke with the plan and left me with no reserve" will make some one defend themselves, "I found myself separated, and locating each other used some of my reserve" is more about what than who, and more prone to be better received.

Respectfully,

James

 

[Soloist]

I’ve only had one insta-buddy in over 12 years of diving. We too had a long, detailed and blunt pre-dive discussion. The actual dives were perfectly fine and uneventful. It’s what I discovered AFTER the second dive that was troubling. He had gone into deco and had absolutely no idea (see link), so “everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face”.

Insta-buddy DECO Diver: What’s NDL?

I’ve been reluctant to post this incident, but considering the concerns raised by the Accidental DECO and mild panic in a non tech certified diver. thread it’s relevant. The intent of this post is not to embarrass, impugn or criticize, but rather further the discussion, awareness and...

scubaboard.com

 

[sea_ledford]

This actually sounds like more of a you screw up than a she screwed up situation. Which is good! You can fix you, but not her.

You said you signaled and it was returned, but what did you signal? I suspect it was just turn around. Did you share your pressure readings throughout both dives? Is there any reasonable expectation that she would have the slightest idea of your pressure? Did you agree beforehand that once the turn around signal was given it was time to return to the mooring without delay?

If you are effectively leading the dive at some point and you turn around and your buddy is gone, that is absolutely on you. You are rightfully frustrated that she was just looking at an eel (but it also might have been her first eel, and she was super excited to see it!), but what if she was actually having a problem? I have issues with those that are happy to ditch an instabuddy that doesn't keep up. Not saying that you did that, but there have been some comments that have basically said that.

One thing I tell my DM candidates that applies both to communication underwater and above: You are 100% responsible for ALL of your communication. If you say something they don't understand, it is your responsibility to correct that. If they say something you don't understand, it is your responsibility to ask for clarification.

 

[SloopCamotop]

You ended up at the scuba shop to settle an argument with your wife about an argument you wanted to have with an instabuddy….starting to see a pattern;-)

Ha - yes there were too many calories burned on an introspective comment I was trying to make about learning from gas anxiety on a mis-matched buddy, and learning redundancy. Unsurprisingly we both left the dive shop convinced the DM has just totally validated our own position. Add some beers and margaritas, and it went further downhill from there, but we are almost 25 years into this deal so we recovered

If it weren't for consistent seasickness she would be my buddy on boat dives, and then we could really get into post-dive buddy evaluations. A regular Festivus "Airing of Grievances"