Pun-ishment

[The Chairman]

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"

 

[The Chairman]

of the difference between men and women...

 

[The Chairman]

It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

 

[The Chairman]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Diving Gal got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better. Sure enough, in a little while, a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

 

[The Chairman]

THE ROPE

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
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ENTERPRISE 101...

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.

"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. 'Hey, this tastes like poop!'
Then I would say, 'It is poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush???

 

[Fishkiller]

What's behind the label...


Bubba and Cletus, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of beer.

Bubba said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Cletus. It's a poll-eece roadblock! We're sure to get busted fer drinkin' these here beers! And you with three DUI's."

"Don't worry, Bubba," said Cletus. "We'll just pull over and finish a-drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Cletus.

When they finished their beers, they threw the empty bottles under the seat and each put a label on his forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff noticed the strange labels on the foreheads of Bubba and Cletus; and that they were both quite glassy-eyed.

Shaking his head in disgust, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin' and drivin' again?"

"Hell, no sheriff," said Cletus. "We're on the patch."