Pun-ishment

[The Chairman]

FINAL EXAM

Texas Mike reported for his Dive Master final examination that
consisted of "yes/no" type questions. He took his seat in the examination hall and stared at the questions for a five full minutes, when in a fit of inspiration he reaches in his pocket and removes a coin. Well, he starts tossing this here coin and marking his answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within a half an hour he is all done looking smug, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

However, his demeanor changed during the last few minutes, and he is desperately tossing his coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached Texas Mike and asks "Just what in the land of the tumbleweeds is going on here. I thought I saw you finish your exam over an hour ago!"

"That's right, I did" replied Texas Mike sheepishly, "But I thought that I should recheck my answers. And boy, am I glad I did! Half of them were wrong!!!"

 

[The Chairman]

Rita Rudner- Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after.

Henny Youngman- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller- My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Rita Rudner- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Some tips for a happy marriage...

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in British Columbia and mine is in Nova Scotia.

3. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time," she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

4. We always hold hands when we go out to a store.
If I let go, she shops.

5. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

6. She got a mud pack and looked great. Then the mud fell off.

7. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

8. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

10. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested!

Remember! Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

 

[DivingGal]

After serveral practice fire drills, the employees ofa government office invited the local fire chief to watch them gothrough a drill With the ringing ofthe alarm, the 600 employe evacuated thebuilding in three minutes. Everone was proud --- until the buzzer sounded for the quitting time that afternoon and someone timed that evacuation. That time the building was cleared in two seconds.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three men sat down at a restaurant table.
After each hadmoved their menu closer to and father from his nose, all three produced glasses from their pockets.
"I only weare mine for reading" said the first.
"I really need mine just for driving." said the second.
" I rarely wear mine." said the third, "except when I want to see."

 

[The Chairman]

SUBJECT: Sad News Dear Friends, It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great American icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. The doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including
Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Long time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy,describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was never considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even still he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough,two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[Fishkiller]

An old man is feeling ill and goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man to come back in a week for the results.

The next week, the old man returns to the doctor's office and the doc says "I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news!"

The old guy thinks it over and says, "Okay, doc, give me the worst news first."

The doctor says, "You've got cancer and there's nothing we can do for you."

"Aw man, I'm gonna die!" replies the old man.

"Yes," says the doctor. "And you only have a couple weeks to live."

The old man just sits there stunned by the news. After a few minutes he says, "Well, go ahead and give me the bad news."

The doctor replies "You've also got Alzheimer's disease!"

"Whew!" replies the old man... "At least I don't have cancer."

 

[Stone]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Men are Men.

 

[The Chairman]

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves.

Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What,
you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour." Which brings us to the moral:


Since you read this story with your computer, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

 

[TwoBitTxn]

This was recently sent to me and I thought I'd share.



A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary
clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck
pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on
the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the Doc shook
his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has
passed away."
What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You
haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want
another opinion!"
With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few
moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The
Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on
the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a
considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly
shook his head and went, "Woof."
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and
returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked
around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook
his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the
table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can
do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's
owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is
dead? This is outrageous!" Doc shook his head sadly
and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the
cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and
the cat scan..."

 

[TexasMike]

I'm taking my cats to the vet this week...and this is going with me

 

[The Chairman]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."