Pun-ishment

[TexasMike]

How do crazy people go through the forest? [/b]
they take the psycho path.

how do you get holy water?
you boil the hell out of it.

what do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
damn!

what do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
polaroids.

what do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
a stick.

what do you call cheese that isn't yours?
nacho cheese.

what do you call santa's helpers?
subordinate clauses.

what do you get from a pampered cow?
spoiled milk.

what do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
frostbite.

what lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
a nervous wreck.

what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
anyone can roast beef

why don't blind people like to sky dive?
because it scares the hell out of the dog.

what kind of coffee was served on the titanic?
sanka.

what is the difference between a harley and a hoover?
the location of the dirt bag.

why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

what is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
a bad golfer goes, whack, damn.
a bad skydiver goes, damn, whack.

how do you catch a unique rabbit?
unique up on it.

how do you catch a tame rabbit?
tame way, unique up on it.

what do you call skydiving lawyers?
skeet.

what goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
an amish drive-by shooting.

how are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

 

[TexasMike]

One day, a wife of hunter started complaining about being left alone all day when the hunter went out to the deer lease. She said she didn't like be left in the house all by herself and insisted that she be taken along.

So the hunter agreed and took her to the sporting goods store. He bought her all of the really good gear and the best rifle they had. Then they went out the the gun range so he could teach her to shoot.

Turned out that the wife was a natural. And in no time at all she was plinking away at the center of the targets even out to two and three hundred yards.

The hunter is pleasantly pleases since he now has a new hunting buddy and promises to take his wife out to the deer lease next weekend.

So next weekend, they load up the 4x4 pickup and head out to deer lease.

"Now honey, you go on up into this blind. I'll go out into the scrub and see if I can't chase a dear back towards you. And when you see one, shoot it. Okay?"

The wife smiles sweetly, kisses her husband and climbs up into the deer blind. And the hunter walks off down the trail.

About 15 minutes later, the hunter hears a BLAM!!!!

"That was quick!" he thinks and hurrys back the blind.

Just as he reaches the clearing he notices his wife up in the blind point her rifle down at a man wearing a cowboy hat and chaps. then he hears the man say,

"Okay lady, what ever you say.....it's a deer. Now can I please get my saddle off of it?"

 

[TexasMike]

Two orphans who were identical twins were separated at birth. One went to a family in the Egypt who name him Ahmal, the other went to a family Spain who named him Juan.

After many years go by, the bio-aunts and uncles decide to bring the two back together to meet each other and participate in a family reunion.

So the large family was waiting eagerly at the airport. When Juan stepped off of the jetway, there was much hugging, kissing and carrying on. After a bit, everyone started leaving.

"Wait a second," cried one of the aunt's, "We still need to greet his brother!!"

To which one of the uncles replied, "Why bother? If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

 

[TexasMike]

Up the road from us was a family named Spilt who had a son named Milton. Milton was a good kid who worked as a roofer during the summer.

One summer Milton was operating the machine that would take bits of wood and cut them into flattend pieces that the roofers would nail to the house. Then tragedy struck and Milton got sucked into the machine and was hurt very badly.

While he was being loaded into the ambulance, a bystander noticed the complete lack of emotion on the forman's face and asked why.

"Well, you know what they say....there's no use crying over Milt Spilt. And besides....the doctor said it was the worse case of shingles he has ever seen."

 

[TexasMike]

I think that's enough for one sitting.......

"Say good night Gracie"

 

[The Chairman]

(Stolen off of a web site)

Ten Ways to tell you are a Woman Tech Diver!:

1. A man can always impress you with the size of his Haskell.

2. You have to wear double booties so that you can fit the XL Jetfins!

3. When your kids check the refrigerator all they can find is an Oxygen Sensor.

4. You have to braid your hair so it doesn't wind around the isolator.

5 Standard hair ties include a stainless bolt snap so you can clip your braid off to a D. Ring.

6. You are the only one on the whole boat wearing diapers!

7. You find yourself considering a mastectomy to reduce drag.

8. Your best tool for pull and glide is acrylic nails.

9. Your idea of a hot date is a guy with more dive gear than you already have!

10. When you put on your gear you double your body weight.

 

[The Chairman]

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh crap! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with
your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

 

[The Chairman]

Artery;...The study of paintings
Bacteria;...Back door of the Cafeteria
Barium;...What doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel;...A letter like A, E, I, O or U
Cesarean Section;...A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan;...Searching for a kitty
Cauterize;...Made eye contact with her
Colic;...A sheep dog
D & C;...Where Washington is
Dilate;...To live long
Enema;...Not a friend
Fester;...Quicker
Fibula;...A small lie
Genital;...Not a Jew
G.I. Series;...An Army ball game
Hangnail;...Coat hook
Impotent;...Distinguished, well-known
Labor Pain;...Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff;...A doctor's cane
Morbid;...A higher offer
Nitrates;...Cheaper than day rates
Node;...Was aware of
Outpatient;...A person who fainted
Pap Smear;...A fatherhood test
Pelvis;...A cousin to Elvis
Post-operative;...Letter carrier
Recovery room;...A place where they do upholstery
Rectum;...Dang near killed him
Secretion;...Hiding something
Seizure;...A Roman emperor
Tablet;...A small table
Terminal Illness;...Getting sick at the airport
Tumor;...Adding two
Urine;...Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose;...Near by

 

[The Chairman]

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. --Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique: just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

 

[The Chairman]

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started i've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since" !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was: "This is the Gate of Heaven." Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read: "Use Other Entrance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. "They couldn't get a baby-sitter" a small child replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.
"What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means --- tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-yr-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead sea gull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said,
"And God threw him back down?"