Pun-ishment

[The Chairman]

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and say's "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys,licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner omes up and says "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the dang thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? I'm just trying to figure out how to get her pajamas of!"

****************************************************

This guy was taking a course in human sexuality. The instructor was going through various things in the Kinsey report, and the class members gasped audibly when she read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?".

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...who was *HE*?"

 

[The Chairman]

An Floridian, a Oklahomian and a Texan were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Floridian said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Oklahomian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Texan opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day - the Floridian opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Oklahomian open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Texan opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral - The Floridian's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Oklahomian's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Texan's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

( And yes, Iggy... I know how to spell "Oklahoman")

 

[DivingGal]

What a hoot, thanks guys.

You know I think this the first time I've seen a thread that is two pages long almost completely generated by a page per poster. Keep it up Pete, Mike.

 

[The Chairman]

Now being from the GWN, she is of the mind that she might can have some fun with the yokels... So as she is driving about she comes across a shephard with a passle of sheep. "Hey farmer John", calls out she,"If I can guess how many sheep you have there in that herd, can I have one?" Well, now this shepard had thought he had heard it all, so he calmly answers, "Why shore!, go ahaid an' give 'er a go"

The canuck sized up the herd, and given that it was quite small, she says... "23".

"Dang my cats" he says in wonderment, "you got it jest right! But to make this right fair, I should get to guess sumthin' about you to win 'er back!"

Well, the Canuck being of a fair sort, pondered a moment and said, "You got it, what would you like to suggest?" she asked, just knowing that this hayseed didn't have the sense that God gave a goose!

"OK" said the shepard, "If I kin guess just where exactly you're from, kin I keep my dog???"

 

[The Chairman]

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy. "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies."

"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!"

 

[DivingGal]

How many men does it take?

• How many honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes? Both of them
• Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize an egg? They don't stop to ask for directions
• How does it show that a man is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
• What's the difference between government bonds and men? The bonds mature.
• Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
• How do you get a man to do situps? Put the remote between his toes

 

[The Chairman]

Well, since DG used my secret alter ego, I guess I should bore ya'll with the background... yeah, it's kinda funny.

As many of ya'll know, I have a great commitment to the Boy Scouts of America. I am involved at a District and Council level in the training of Cub Scout and Boy Scout adult leaders. Several years ago it was announced that the premier training for leaders (called Wood Badge) was to be consolodated and that the Cub Scout Trainer Wood Badge would be the first to get the "axe". Since our informal motto is "WeBIT" (WE Believe In Training) we started looking for one that would accept both of us. Well, my best buddy Dan and I found one in NC... but it was full, so we looked some more, and found that the one in Texas was full too. Hmnnn, well there *IS* on in good ol' PA that's got openings, so off we went to Camp Bashore.

Well as these folks had never met me, I was determined to make an "impression". It started with my way over the top southern drawl (I kept it up througout the course, and would constantly refer to everyone's "funny accent"). They all greeted me warmly, and none were the wiser for the affected accent. We were all divided into patrols (just like the boys) and I was assigned to the Bobwhite patrol. Now, having had time to plan for this trip (a few months) I had the foresight to include a couple of pink plastic lawn flamingos in with my gear... As I set up camp, they took up residence in front of my tent.

Shortly, one of the trainers came through our campsite... he took one look at my "mingoes" and cried out in astonishment... "What on earth are these???"

Calmly I approached him and casully observed... "Why, those are Florida Bobwhites, don't you have them up here?"

Since then the name (as well as the pink yard birds) have been associated with me and Scouting. In a few short years I went from owning *0* mingoes to now well over a hundred or two. If anyone knows where I can get 6" flamingo decals, I would love to put them on my tanks.

Maybe next time, I'll tell ya'll about the inflatable gator I took up there... :tease:

 

[DivingGal]

Now Pete -- did I actually name you? hehehe
Actual t-shirt sayings

• Frankly Scallop, I don't give a Clam
• Wrinkled was NOT one of things I wanted be when I grew up
• Procasinate now
• I have a degree in Liberal Arts.... now did you want fries with that?
• All men are idiots, and I married their king
• Failure Is Not An Option. It comes bundled with software
• I'm out of Estrogen.... and I've got a gun
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes
• Stupidity is NOT a handicap. Park somewhere else.
• He who dies with the most toys, is nevertheless dead.
• A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory
• The meek shall inherit the Earth. . . after we're through with it
• Ham and Eggs. A day's commitment for the chicken, a lifetime for the pig.
• The trouble with life is that there is no background music.
• Commputer programmers don't byte, they just nibble a bit.
• Commputer programmers know how to use their hardware.

 

[pipedope]

Three leg dog goes into a bar, sez, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

michael

 

[The Chairman]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning.

When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany," a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear.

Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I was immediately filled with the quintessence of the moment and I suddenly knew what I had to do....

Quit drinking before noon.