Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

 

[sassyalice]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"62kg," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 70kg.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

 

[sassyalice]

Fifty Five more times than shown here!
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids a gain ...
I will never complain about MY kids again .. .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ..
I will never complain about MY kids again ..
I will never complain about MY kids again ..
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ..

I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again ....

 

[sassyalice]

-------Original Message-------

From: Terry & Michele
Date: 11/10/2007 9:09:49 PM
To: Anne; Brittany; Cec; Elaine; Glenda Dumont; Harvey Lavoie; Heather; Judy; Lois Skarsen; Pat & Leo; Shirley
Subject: FW: Thanksgiving recipe for you to try!


Subject: Thanksgiving recipe for you to try!


Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
Stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it as perfect
For people like me, who just are not sure
How to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. Baking chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOWFAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with
Melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in
Baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the
Oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and
The chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And you thought I couldn't cook

 

[sassyalice]

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

 

[sassyalice]

> > Are you a Martha or Maxine?
> >
>>
> >*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
> >to prevent ice cream drips.
> >
> >*Maxine's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
> >Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating
> >it, anyway!
> >
> >
> >To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
> >
> >Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
> >
> >
> >When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
> >cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
> >cake.
> >
> >Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
> >
> >
> >If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
> >peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
> >'fix-me-up.'
> >
> >If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite
> >with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't
> >care how bad it tastes!'
> >
> >
> >Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
> >keep for weeks.
> >
> >Celery? Never heard of it!
> >
> >
> >Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
> >beautiful glossy finish.
> >
> >The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites
> >over the crust so I don't.
> >
> >
> >Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
> >forehead. The throbbing will go away.
> >
> >Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
> >
> >
> >If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
> >They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
> >
> >Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
> >
> >
> >Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
> >use in casseroles and sauces.
> >
> >Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!
> >
> >
> >

 

[sassyalice]

Why's of Men



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)



(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?



(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?



(you need a rough draft before you make the final masterpiece!)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)


( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)





And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

 

[sassyalice]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

 

[sassyalice]

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD..


Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

 

[sassyalice]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
> > stayed home.
> > He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
> > "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
> > merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
> >allow
> > her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
> >
> > God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
> >
> > The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
> > He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
> > Awakened the kids,
> > Set out their school clothes,
> > Fed them breakfast,
> > Packed their lunches,
> > Drove them to school,
> > Came home and
> > Picked up the dry cleaning,
> > Took it to the cleaners and
> > Stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
> > Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,
> > Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
> > He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
> > Then it was already 1P.M. And he hurried to make the beds,
> > Do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
> > Mop the kitchen floor.
> > Ran to the school to pick up the kids and
> > Got into an argument with them on the way home.
> > Set out milk and cookies and
> > Got the kids organized to do their homework,
> > Then set up the ironing board and
> > Watched TV while he did the ironing.
> > At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
> > Washing vegetables for salad,
> > Breaded the pork chops and
> > Snapped fresh beans for supper.
> > After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,
> > Ran the dishwasher,
> > Folded laundry,
> > Bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
> >
> > At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
> > finished,
> > He went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed
> > to get through without complaint.
> > The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
> > -"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
> > Wife's' being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let
> > us Trade back."
> >
> > The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
> > "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
> > change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine
> >months
> > though.
> > You got pregnant last night.