Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Evie G]

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration

A little holiday humor. Have a blessed Holiday Season. Celebrate, enjoy, be happy and stay safe.

 

[intropiles]

LMAO with that one.

Hell yeah!

 

[WOODMAN]

Two potatoes had eyes for each other, and they got together and had a little sweet potato which they called 'Yam'.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life, and warned her about going off half baked and getting mashed, and getting a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and ending up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam reassured them and said no spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her, but she wasn't going to stay home and become a couch potato either.

When she decided to travel, her parents warned her about the hard boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from France called french fries, and warned her also about the Indians out west, so she wouldn't get 'scalloped'.

Yam said she would watch out for her skin and not associate with those guys who advertise their trade on the sides of all those trucks marked "Frito Lays"

Yam became successful, and really ended up in the chips, but then one day she came home and announced to her parents that she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Her parents were very upset, and told her that she couldn't marry Tom Brokaw, because he was just...

Are you ready?

Sure?

Okay, you asked for it-

He was just a COMMON TATER!:homealone:

Happy New Year, everybody!artytime: Woody

 

[pidgiepoo]

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security





Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

 

[Ed L.]

Doing Your Part As An American Citizen:
A Texas rancher whose ranch backs up to the Rio Grande river, reported this morning:

"At about 8:30 this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat, because of the large backpack of drugs he was wearing on his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps."

 

[inventor]

Guy walks into a bar..

Go figure.

...With a dog.

Bartender says, "We can't have him in here, it violates the health codes."
Guy says, "But wait, it's the world's smartest dog. He can even talk."
Bartender: "Right, prove it."
Guy: "What's under a tree?"
Dog "Root!"
Guy: "What's on top of a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Guy: "Who's the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
Dog: "Ruth!"

So the bartender throws them out into the gutter.
Dog looks up at the guy..."Dimaggio?"

 

[DM95]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.


Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are helpless against this approach, after several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Rifle Ranges' in the phone book.

 

[Evie G]

MALE SENSITIVITY....

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was
in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and
was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners
at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?

 

[pidgiepoo]

Best Joke of the year:


A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was
badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.


The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

 

[pidgiepoo]

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.



Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose, so wid my last ounce of strenth I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vell, not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"