Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sandshaker]

This is funny but in poor taste..............

Serious about his fishing . . .

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day
with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds
when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife
had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and
in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided
to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a
stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was
jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him
and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out fishing for the past
four hours, enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing
in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will
be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest
of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her
care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then snickered and said, "I'm just jacking with you. She's dead.
What'd you catch?"

 

[santafejoe]

OMG Sick but Funny

 

[wstein]

i am guessing that doctor is a fisherman also

 

[m3830431]

Interesting Facts


The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US
Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear
better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk
to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any
given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in
China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great
king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both
front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the
horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a
result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all
four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that
makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other
day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny)
is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a
party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey month we
know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in
old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and
settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's
and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this
practice.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow.

 

[m3830431]

THE HUSBAND STORE



A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. At the entrance is a description of how
the store operates:



"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"





So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor
the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."



The second floor sign reads:

"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."



The third floor sign reads:

"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the
fourth floor and the sign reads:



"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help
With Housework."



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to
the fifth floor and the sign reads:



"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:



"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."





To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street..........



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.



The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[santafejoe]

These last two post were very good LMFAO

 

[sandshaker]

How To Fail Your Open Water Test.

a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface

b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.

c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wussies".

d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY better".

e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.

f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.

g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000 pounds of air in it….love that one…;-)

h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travelbrochures.

 

[santafejoe]

LMFAO SandShaker very good

 

[santafejoe]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Breakfast on the Farm

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a
farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the
little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.


Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at
his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or
should I?

 

[santafejoe]

>How to treat a Woman:
>
>Wine her.
>Dine her.
>Call her.
>Hold her.
>Surprise her.
>Compliment her.
>Smile at her.
>Listen to her.
>Laugh with her.
>Cry with her.
>Romance her.
>Encourage her.
>Believe in her.
>Pray with her.
>Pray for her.
>Cuddle with her.
>Shop with her.
>Give her jewelry.
>Buy her flowers.
>Hold her hand.
>Write love letters to her.
>Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
>
>! How To Treat a Man:
>
>Show up naked.
>Bring chicken wings.
>Don't block the TV.
>
>
>Sad! Very, very sad...................
>THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD.
>Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
>AND YOU ARE ON THE DAMN COMPUTER!!!
>
>Welfare
>Q - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does the Government give you?
>A - A map to the United States.