wstein
Contributor
hmmmmm....some of those hold a truth to them
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
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m3830431
Contributor
> > Sound at all familiar?
> >
> > How To Shower Like a Woman:
> > 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
> > according to lights and darks.
> > 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
> > husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the
> bathroom.
> > 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
> > so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.
> > 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long
> > loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
> > 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
> > added
> > vitamins.
> > 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
> > added vitamins.
> > 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
> > with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
> > 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
> > until red raw.
> > 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
> > 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
> > you must make sure that it has all come off).
> > 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to
> > get it waxed instead.
> > 12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose
> > the
> > water pressure.
> > 13. Turn off shower.
> > 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
> > Tilex.
> > 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
> > Country.
> > Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
> > 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
> > nails./tweezers if found.
> > 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
> > 18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
> > and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
> >
> > How To Shower Like A Man:
> > 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
> > them in a pile.
> > 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
> > shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
> > 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
> > see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror,
> > scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
> > 4. Get in the shower.
> > 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
> > 6. Wash your face.
> > 7. Wash your armpits.
> > 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
> > 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
> > 10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
> > 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
> > 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
> > 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
> > 14. Pee (in the shower).
> > 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
> > floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
time.
> > 16. Partially dry off.
> > 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size
> > again.
> > 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
> > 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
> > 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
> > your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and
thrust
> > your pelvis at her.
> > 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
> >
> >
> > How To Shower Like a Woman:
> > 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
> > according to lights and darks.
> > 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
> > husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the
> bathroom.
> > 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
> > so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.
> > 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long
> > loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
> > 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
> > added
> > vitamins.
> > 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
> > added vitamins.
> > 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
> > with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
> > 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
> > until red raw.
> > 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
> > 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
> > you must make sure that it has all come off).
> > 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to
> > get it waxed instead.
> > 12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose
> > the
> > water pressure.
> > 13. Turn off shower.
> > 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
> > Tilex.
> > 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
> > Country.
> > Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
> > 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
> > nails./tweezers if found.
> > 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
> > 18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
> > and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
> >
> > How To Shower Like A Man:
> > 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
> > them in a pile.
> > 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
> > shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
> > 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
> > see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror,
> > scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
> > 4. Get in the shower.
> > 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
> > 6. Wash your face.
> > 7. Wash your armpits.
> > 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
> > 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
> > 10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
> > 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
> > 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
> > 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
> > 14. Pee (in the shower).
> > 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
> > floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
time.
> > 16. Partially dry off.
> > 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size
> > again.
> > 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
> > 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
> > 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
> > your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and
thrust
> > your pelvis at her.
> > 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
> >
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
The dude part..oh how true...LMAO....
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, and early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
Diver Dennis
Contributor
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
santafejoe
Contributor
Boy these last couple Funny s i have been LMFAO
Just keep them comming
Just keep them comming
m3830431
Contributor
Subject: You Got To Love The Irish....
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in
County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly
orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows,
but serves the man three beers, which he
drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the
three beers and orders three more. This happens yet
again. The next evening the man again orders and
drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about
the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week
later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf
of the town."I don't mean to pry, but folks around
here are wondering why
you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You
see, I have two brothers, and one went to
America, and the other to Australia. We promised each
other that we would always order an extra two
beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up
the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was
pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders
Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of
pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that
out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders
only two beers. The bartender pours them with a
heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the
evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around
town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of
the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man,
"Folks around here, me first of all, want
to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then
replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two
brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have
decided
to give up drinking for Lent."
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in
County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly
orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows,
but serves the man three beers, which he
drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the
three beers and orders three more. This happens yet
again. The next evening the man again orders and
drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about
the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week
later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf
of the town."I don't mean to pry, but folks around
here are wondering why
you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You
see, I have two brothers, and one went to
America, and the other to Australia. We promised each
other that we would always order an extra two
beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up
the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was
pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders
Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of
pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that
out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders
only two beers. The bartender pours them with a
heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the
evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around
town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of
the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man,
"Folks around here, me first of all, want
to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then
replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two
brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have
decided
to give up drinking for Lent."
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
ahhwwww...that ones funny!!!!!!
santafejoe
Contributor
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her
boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always
has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel
like spending the next three days on my back with my legs
in the air."
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her
boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is
buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like
getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always
has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel
like spending the next three days on my back with my legs
in the air."
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
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