Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sandshaker]

Airline Flasher

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub

 

[wstein]

weird phobias

• Nomatophobia: Fear of names (that must be the artist formly known as Prince)
• Barophobia: Fear of gravity (this is what women fear as they get older)
• Phronemophobia: Fear of thinking (sorry can’t think if anything to say here..to scared to think!!!)
• Arithmophobia: Fear of numbers (this explains my math grades)
• Paraphobia: Sexual perversion (ok, how can you be afraid of a little kink)
• Anablephobia: Fear of looking up (guess they are afraid they are just going to flop over backwards or something)
• Scolionophobia: Fear of school (these people work at McDonalds and convenience stores)
• Hypnophobia: Fear of sleep (can you say insomniac?)
• Hippopotomonstroses¬quippedaliophobia: Fear of long words (hmmm, makes you wonder why people are afraid of long words)
• Geniophobia: Fear of chins (this would suck if your Chinese)
• Genuphobia: Fear of knees (ok someone explain this to me)
• Geliophobia: Fear of laughter (yeah, they are called accountants)
• Bogyphobia: Fear of the bogeyman (shouldn’t we have gotten over this after turning 6)
• Aerophobia: Fear of swallowing air (guess this applies to fish)

 

[PUGMASTER]

Serious allegations towards the young french man walking up to the stand.
-- do you swear...
In your opinion, what exactly happened?

Well, I bot er som drinks and den we went to my place

Go on

Well, I **#$%% er and den I ate er!

Then what !!?

Errr, I ate er some mor and den **#$#@ er agin.

STOP, STOP, STOP ANSWER THIS QUESTION... DID YOU HAVE CONSENT?

Ahhh yes, all over my face and my shoulders and even my tummy.

 

[PUGMASTER]

Okay, Wonderwoman just broke up with Superman.

Laying on the beach in sunny Alcapulco, sun tannin' away.

Superman was flying along and caught site of her.
"I'LL SHOW HER. NO ONE LEAVES SUPERMAN!!!"
Swooshing down he did his did at a speed only Superman could achieve.

Feeling a rush of air Wonderwoman exclaimed " wonder what that was?"

The invisible man responded " I don't know, but my *** sure hurts!"

 

[santafejoe]

LMAO

 

[sandshaker]

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3... July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

 

[wstein]

oh that is good. I have to try some of those sometime!!! especially the last one

 

[sandshaker]

Why did the chicken cross the play ground...??/
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to get to the other slide!!!

 

[m3830431]

Interesting comparisons

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
No such man is alive for some women
_____________________________


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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[sandshaker]

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

no that was good!!!