OP
sandshaker
Contributor
santafejoe:
eewww...poor guy
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eewww...poor guy
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
A young red-headed woman in Kansas City, Missouri,
was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Missouri River.
She went down to the river and was about to leap into the
frigid water, when a handsome young man saw her tottering on the edge of
the bridge,crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm a
sailor, and will be leaving off to Europe in the morning, and if you
like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and
bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl
nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
>From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is." the captain said. "This is Harrah's Casino and we
never leave North Kansas City."
was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Missouri River.
She went down to the river and was about to leap into the
frigid water, when a handsome young man saw her tottering on the edge of
the bridge,crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm a
sailor, and will be leaving off to Europe in the morning, and if you
like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and
bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl
nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
>From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is." the captain said. "This is Harrah's Casino and we
never leave North Kansas City."
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know,
I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard
for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you
will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary
is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh**in' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know,
I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard
for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you
will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary
is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh**in' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."
santafejoe
Contributor
Oh sandshaker your to much with those last two LMFAO 2 times.
santafejoe
Contributor
>
> Subject: New Rules from George Carlin for 2007
>
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
>
> to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes,
>
> graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and
> having
>
> other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
>
> version of looting.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
>
> Classmates.com <http://classmates.com/ <http://classmates.com/> > !
> There's a reason you
>
> don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
> them!
>
> Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
>
> these days: mowing my lawn.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
>
> with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
>
> better description for these kids: LUCKY *******S.
>
>
>
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
>
> baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes
>
> of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
>
> how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
>
> Okay, we're done.
>
>
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
>
> There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but
> without
>
> that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
>
> You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
>
> That's your flavored water.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop *******ing with old people. Target is
>
> introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
>
> label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures
>
> out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
>
> Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
>
>
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
>
> the bigger the ************. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a
>
> "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
>
> gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
>
> Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ************.
>
>
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
>
> from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
>
> verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and
> pressing
>
> "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
>
> there eating my Almond Joy.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
>
> characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
> of
>
> your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
>
> you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
>
> pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
>
> of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
>
> the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
>
> watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
> exciting.
>
> What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
>
> It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
>
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
>
> extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>
>
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
>
> No more bathroom attendants.
>
> After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and
>
> a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
>
> he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want
>
> to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
>
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
>
> don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just
> fine.
>
> He's not a cheese.
>
>
> Subject: New Rules from George Carlin for 2007
>
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
>
> to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes,
>
> graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and
> having
>
> other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
>
> version of looting.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
>
> Classmates.com <http://classmates.com/ <http://classmates.com/> > !
> There's a reason you
>
> don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
> them!
>
> Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
>
> these days: mowing my lawn.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
>
> with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a
>
> better description for these kids: LUCKY *******S.
>
>
>
> New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
>
> baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes
>
> of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
>
> how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
>
> Okay, we're done.
>
>
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
>
> There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but
> without
>
> that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
>
> You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
>
> That's your flavored water.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Stop *******ing with old people. Target is
>
> introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
>
> label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures
>
> out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
>
> Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
>
>
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
>
> the bigger the ************. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a
>
> "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
>
> gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
>
> Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ************.
>
>
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
>
> from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
>
> verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and
> pressing
>
> "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
>
> there eating my Almond Joy.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
>
> characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
> of
>
> your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time
>
> you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
>
> pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>
>
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
>
> of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
>
> the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
>
> watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
> exciting.
>
> What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
>
> It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
>
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
>
> extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>
>
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
>
> No more bathroom attendants.
>
> After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and
>
> a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
>
> he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want
>
> to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
>
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
>
> don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just
> fine.
>
> He's not a cheese.
>
>
m3830431
Contributor
Why I Like science
http://eepybird.com/dcm1.html
http://eepybird.com/dcm1.html
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
What to do in an attack
santafejoe
Contributor
Vaseline
Research for the vaseline company A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
Research for the vaseline company A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
santafejoe
Contributor
Lmfao
ok...one for the ladies to take shots at the guys and say, yeahhhh!!!
The follwing was forwarded to me from a chicy who heard this on TV:
"You know what women call guys who are lame in the sac?"
"Just friends"
The follwing was forwarded to me from a chicy who heard this on TV:
"You know what women call guys who are lame in the sac?"
"Just friends"
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