OP
sandshaker
Contributor
Ohhh..that's wrong...but it would be hard to turn down somethin' like that????/
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santafejoe
Contributor
Driving Lessons in Math
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is
Window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 car s.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
Weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
Has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so:no :no
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is
Window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 car s.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
Weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
Has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so:no :no
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
... ohh that was a good one santafejoe!!..Yes I pack too..FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered
a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the little mermaid wear an alge-bra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God?
Midnight Star
Contributor
santafejoe
Contributor
Good one Sandshaker
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
CHRISTMAS Cuervo Cookies!!!!
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large
bowl, check Cuervo again to be sure it is of the
highest quality - pour one level cup and drink. Turn
on the electric mixer........Beat one cup of butter in
a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp of
sugar..........beat again. At this point it is best
to make sure that the Cuervo is still okay, try
another cup.........just in case. Turn off the
mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the friggin
fruit up off the floor...........Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt,
or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose
Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees, and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally,
throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose
Juervo, and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large
bowl, check Cuervo again to be sure it is of the
highest quality - pour one level cup and drink. Turn
on the electric mixer........Beat one cup of butter in
a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp of
sugar..........beat again. At this point it is best
to make sure that the Cuervo is still okay, try
another cup.........just in case. Turn off the
mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the friggin
fruit up off the floor...........Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt,
or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose
Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees, and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally,
throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose
Juervo, and make sure to put the stove in the
dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!
santafejoe
Contributor
Oh Wow Good one Sandshaker good one
Good one Sandshaker good one
OP
sandshaker
Contributor
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former ****.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong
places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................B**ch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with
you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with
you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former ****.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong
places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................B**ch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with
you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with
you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay
santafejoe
Contributor
Oh how true this is Sandshaker and so funny. 
santafejoe
Contributor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT (January 2009)
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
first night in the White House. She has waited so long.......
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater ."
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT (January 2009)
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
first night in the White House. She has waited so long.......
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater ."
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