Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[The Anchor]

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

 

[m3830431]

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man sighed.

"I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world."

"Yeah?"

"And then I wished for a little head."

 

[The Anchor]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed…

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula......

****** off" she said, "they're for the funeral

 

[Deefstes]

Haha! Reminds me of the old man who was on his death bed with his wife of 50 years by his side.

With a wimpering voice he told her:

"You know Martha, when I was 21 and I was involved in that horrific car accident, the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes in hospital was your face."

"And when I had that power boat accident at 34, again I awoke in hospital to see you sitting beside me."

"When I had a heart attack at 58 and was rushed to the hospital, I remember you sitting next to me in the ambulance."

"And here I am now, riddled with illness and taking my meals intravenously and still yours is the face that I keep seeing."

"NOW GET AWAY FROM ME WOMAN, YOU'RE BAD NEWS!!!!"

 

[sandshaker]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh.! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone

 

[Rhone Man]

A man was dating three women, and he decided it was time to get serious with his life and marry one of them. To help him decide he set them a test. He gave them each $10,000 and decided to see how they would spend it.

The first girl said to him: "I spent all the money on clothes and make-up so that I can look as good as I possibly can for you."

The second girl said to him: "I spent all the money on a new HD flat screen TV and DVD player with surround sound so that you can watch sports better."

The third girl said to him: "I invested the money in the stock market and made enough to give you the original $10,000 back and still have enough to start building a nest egg for our future together."

The man thought carefully about how all three women had chosen to spend the money, and then he married the one with the biggest t1t$.

 

[The Anchor]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later

puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four

days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is

delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.



He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next

day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,

beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok

running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can

have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent

shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the

same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.



Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers

that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and

calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most

rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in

years.'



The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a

huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a

sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'



He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[dive bandit]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE

 

[sandshaker]

that's gonna leave a mark!!!!

YouTube - Why I Didn't Make the Olympics

 

[dive bandit]

You've got to watch this video.