Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sandshaker]

Two 90-year-old worn out bikers, Spider and Wolf, had been friends all of their lives and had ridden many miles together.

When it was clear that Spider was dying, Wolf would visit him every day. One day Wolf said, 'Spider, we both loved riding our bikes all our lives, and we have ridden every where together. Please do me one favor: when you get to where ever you end up, somehow you must let me know if there's motorcycle riding there!

Spider looked up at Wolf from his deathbed, 'Wolf, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll let you know man.'

Shortly after that, Spider passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Wolf was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Wolf, Wolf.'

'Who is it?' asked Wolf, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Wolf -- it's me, Spider.'

'You're not Spider. Spider just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Spider,' insisted the voice.

'Spider! Where are you?' asked Wolf.

'In Heaven,' replied Spider. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

Tell me the good news first,' said Wolf.

'The good news,' Spider said, 'is that there's motorcycle riding in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that,we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows its always warm and the wind is always at our back. And best of all, we can ride all we want, as long as we want.
'That's fantastic,' said Wolf.. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're the Ride Captain on Tuesday.'

 

[Rhone Man]

A guy dies one day, and because he has not been an especially good person, he is sent by St Peter down to hell. When he gets down there, understandably he is a bit depressed by this turn of events.

Seeing him sitting down disconsolate on a stack of brimstone, one of the other residents of hell comes up to him and asks him how he is doing.

"I don't know - pretty bad I guess. I mean, it is not every day that you get sent to hell for all eternity."

"That's true," admitted the long term resident. "But hell is not as bad as you think. For example, do you like drinking?"

"Sure," said the new guy. "I love a good rum and coke."

"Boy you are gonna love Mondays. Monday is drinking day. Beer, wine, sprits - have all the rum and cokes that you want. And the best bit, you are dead already! No need to worry about liver damage or getting into an accident driving home drunk!"

"That is pretty good, now that I think about it," replies the new guy.

"What about smoking? Do you like to smoke," asks the long term resident?

"Yeah, a like a drag on a cigarette, but I had to give up for my health in my 30s," replies the new guy.

"Boy, you are gonna love Tuesdays," replies the long term resident. "Tuesday is smoking day. Smoke all you like, and guess what - you are dead already so no need to worry about cancer or heart disease!"

"Wow," says the new guy, "hell is not sounding that bad now that you explain it."

"It gets better," says the old timer. "Do you like drugs?"

"Well you know, I used to shoot up every now and again...." the new guy replies.

"Oh, you are gonna love Wednesday. Wednesday is drugs day. All the herion, smack, coke, LSD and weed you could ever want. And guess what - you are dead already, so need to worry about an OD!"

"This is fantastic," replies the new guy!

"Hey, and wait till you hear about the sex. Are you gay?"

"Uh, no," replies the new guy.

"Oh. Boy, you are gonna hate Thursdays."

 

[dpbishop]

The hormone hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth & he takes his life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker, or significant other!

Dangerous: What's for dinner?

Safer: Can I help you with dinner?

Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?

Ultra safe: Here, have some wine


Dangerous: Are you wearing that?

Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!

Safest: Wow! Look at you!

Ultra safe: Here, have some wine


Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?

Safer: Could we be overreacting?

Safest: Here's my paycheck.

Ultra safe: Here, have some wine


Dangerous: Should you be eating that?

Safer: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

Safest: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

Ultra safe: Here, have some wine


Dangerous: What did you do all day?

Safer: I hope you didn't over-do it today.

Safest: I've always loved you in that robe!

Ultra safe: Here, have some wine

12 things pms stands for:

1. Pass my shotgun

2. Psychotic mood swing

3. Perpetual munching spree

4. Puffy mid-section

5. People make me sick

6. Provide me with sweets

7. Pardon my sobbing

8. Pimples may surface

9. Pass my sweats

10. Pissy mood syndrome

11. Pack my stuff

12. Potential murder suspect

 

[dive bandit]

After a terrible hurricane, a sailor find himself stranded on a desserted island with only a dog and a sheep. After a few months of only eating fruits and seafood, his urge for meat is insatiable. He approaches the sheep with his knife in hand, but the dog jumps in between them growls and attempts to bite the sailor. He tries this repeatedly for several days with the same result and gives up.

A couple of months go by and other urges arise in the sailor. Now as he looks at the sheep in a different way. And again he attempts to get to the sheep. No matter what he did, the sailor couldn't get past the dog to get to the sheep.

Just as the sailor was beginning to loose all hope, another terrible storm hits the desserted island, this time a beautiful woman washs up on the shore. She is barely alive and the sailor tends to her night and day for weeks.

Finall, the woman is back on her feet and thanks the sailor for he has done for her and asks "you've taken care of me for so long. I owe you my life. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you. Tell me now, name anything I can do for you."

The sailor ponders this for a moment. Thinking back over time since he has been stranded on the island, he says "well this one thing..."

She responds "just say it and I will do it."

"Will you please get a hold of that d#%m dog," replies the sailor.

 

[mike_s]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'



The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'


The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'

 

[Rhone Man]

I was taking a bus the other day and I sat next to an old man, and we fell into conversation. I told him that I had recently become engaged and was going to get married in the Summer. The old man looked wistful, and said that reminded him of his own engagement and the most important lesson he had ever learned in his life.

He recounted that he had met his future wife in college, and they had decided to get married, and so they travelled together to meet her parents, and to give them the good news.

"Her family were a bit suspicious of me, and not very welcoming" he recalled, "being from out of town and all. Everyone except my girlfriend's mother. She was really nice and friendly, and very keen to welcome me."

"Well, as time went on, I spent more and more time with my girlfriend's mother making plans for the wedding, and I began to get the strange notion that she was coming on to me. After a while I became sure of it - she kept resting her hand on my arm, and giggling at any silly comment I would make. It was quite flattering because she was very attractive for an older women, but it was also a little disconcerting."

"Anyhow, one day when the whole family, including me, was supposed to be going out to see a football match, she asked me to stay behind with her so that we could plan the wedding invitations. I didn't think I could say no, so I went around to her house at the appointed hour and she answered the door only wearing her dressing gown and invited me in. I was a bit shocked, but I didn't know what else to do so I went in."

"She sat down next to me on the couch, took my hand in hers and said to me: 'You have to know that I am desperately attracted to you. Before you marry my daughter and commit to her forever, I want to know you intimately just once. I'll be be waiting for you upstairs.' With that she got up off the couch and went upstairs giving me a long glance over her shoulder."

"Well, I took a minute to compose myself, and then I got up very slowly and walked to the front door and opened it to go outside. Imagine my surprise, there on the front step was my future father in law holding a bottle of champagne which he popped open with a cheer! 'We weren't sure that we could trust now, but now we are happy to welcome you to the family!' and with that my girlfriend and various other relatives came out from around the side of the house where they had been waiting, and my future mother-in-law came back downstairs more sensibly dressed."

"And I have never forgotten the lesson that I learned that day," added the old man wistfully. "Always, always, always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[The Anchor]

Murphy's Other Fifteen Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things
left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[mlkco]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'
'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.
'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'
'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'

 

[pidgiepoo]

I haven't been reading the latest jokes..so if this one has been on here before..please excuse me.


A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

 

[pidgiepoo]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of peop le. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.