m3830431
Contributor
So it is a cold day in Hell
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
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dive bandit
Contributor
Depends in what time zone you're in..........................
pidgiepoo
Contributor
sorry reefguy--I must have skipped page 77..but I still think the joke's funny.
augk
Contributor
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
augk
Contributor
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and, surely enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no. Just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yep," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go to the White House. Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The new Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs, and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Surely enough, a half hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and, surely enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no. Just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yep," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go to the White House. Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The new Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs, and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Surely enough, a half hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'
augk
Contributor
Rectum Stretcher
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she
replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?" I'm
a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I
start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then
three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until
I can get both hands in. Then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's
about 6 feet wide."
"And just what in the hell do you do with a 6 foot
*******?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge..."
:mooner:
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she
replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?" I'm
a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I
start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then
three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until
I can get both hands in. Then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's
about 6 feet wide."
"And just what in the hell do you do with a 6 foot
*******?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge..."
:mooner:
santafejoe
Contributor
Great one s Augk
The Anchor
Contributor
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is
Moving North or South. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down it down and asks,
'What happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey,
Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 Million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon.'
Moving North or South. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down it down and asks,
'What happened, what's the hold up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey,
Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 Million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon.'
santafejoe
Contributor
Good oneSimilar threads
