Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sandshaker]

^^^^ fuhnee ^^^^^

A Quickie Please
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[RadRob]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or

on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[RadRob]

A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon..........

Kind of makes you proud.

 

[augk]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even
had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'




God said: "I didn't recognize you!!"

 

[m3830431]

My wife left me... I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back

 

[The Anchor]

A cabbie picks up a nun... she notices that the handsome cab driver is staring at her in the rear view mirror.
She asks him why he is looking at her, and he replies "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".
She responded "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.... I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".
The cabbie replied "Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun".
The nun answered "Let's see what we can do about that... first, You have to be single, and second, you must be catholic".
The cab driver excitedly said "Oh yes, I'm single, and is catholic".
"OK" the nun said... "Drive into the next alley".
The nun fulfills the cabbie's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
When the cabbie got back behind the driver's seat, on the highway, he began crying.
"My dear child" says the nun. "Why are you crying"?
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess that I am married and is Orthodox".
The nun replied "That's OK... my name is Herbert and I'm going to a Halloween Party!"

 

[m3830431]

 

[The Anchor]

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water just gets thicker.

-0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have their last BBQ of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Vancouver Canucks win the Stanley Cup

 

[sandshaker]

Here are some Funny George Carlin jokes and quotations

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?



If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?




Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?



What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

[radiocraig]

God and acid...love it

he will be missed