Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[The Anchor]

A new sign in a bank lobby reads:

"Please note that this bank is installing new Drive-Through ATM machines, enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customersusing this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and recipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake.
4. Find hand bag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. retrieve cash and recipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place recipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to the irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.

 

[goldenbear01]

Ben walks into a confessional booth and says "Father, I'm 73 years old and I just slept with a gorgeous 20 year old college girl." The priest asks Hiram how long it's been since his last confession; to which Hiram replies, "I'm Jewish, but I just wanted to tell everyone that I just slept with a 20 year old!"

 

[DivingPrincessE]

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

I do those :embarass:

 

[mike_s]

I do those :embarass:

hmmm... I can tell...

(you forgot to list that you unset your parking break also... )

 

[Deefstes]

you forgot to list that you unset your parking break also...

 

[m3830431]

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

 

[sandshaker]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie
detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?'
asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to
Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and
delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her
three times.


Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance

 

[The Anchor]

Ole Blue



A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.




Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"




"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.


About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.


"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"



"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "




Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.


The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.




When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"




"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'




The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"




"That's my boy!"

 

[sandshaker]

Mating bulls

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. Isn't that nice!" After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, "You could learn from this one!"

They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast's head. "How many times has your bull mated this year?" asks the wife.

"This here's the pride of the County: 365 times, ma'am."

The wife's jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. "Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!"

The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, "Hey, was it all with the same cow?"

 

[The Anchor]

Oil Change procedures for Women:



1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00





Oil Change procedures for Men:



1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $20.00

Total $4,145.00



(But you know the job was done right!)